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Blackened Hearts
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Final Verdict
Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9.7
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 15.3
Plot (30): 21
Fan Votes (10): 9.4
Judges Vote (20): 12.7
Total: 72.1
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 17
Plot (30): 20
Fan Votes (10): 9.4
Judges Vote (20): 10
Total: 69.4
Additional Comments: It has improved from the first, I will admit. You did use words the right way and didn't overwhelm us with the darkness talk or with words that were just way too fancy, if I'm making sense. So, it's better than the first. But that still doesn't mean shit. Listen. I really had one major problem with this. And that was Reno. You're talking to the guy who kills people for a living and does dirty work. One who, in this AU of murderous psychopaths who give no fucks of the murders they did, deals with people like her on a daily basis with his partner Rude there, too. He should be used to this, really, the talk of murder and such. Given, I can understand why they're tense about when she did the blood thing with her handcuffs, but that doesn't mean shit. Both Rude and Reno should be used to this, not having one shouting about getting her out and basically having a hissy fit. If I'm right and these two work there for a living, they should be used to crazy, to someone like her. Just...try not to mess up everyone else, alright? You're dealing with a Kingdom Hearts/Final Fantasy story, characters who tend to be nice, heroes, and the occasional villainous psychopath, but it mainly consists of heroes. So, already, you're going to have us wonder on just what it is you're going to do with these characters when you're already having a Turk who deals with murder for a living in canon screaming at a little mention of the feeling of murder. Sometimes, your sentences didn't work, too. Like you're calling the asylum a house. A home, even. Why? It's an asylum, a place that she's heard is terrible. Why call it something like that? All in all, you did improve, but please try and make sure that what the character says and does is something that the character would say and do in canon.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 14
Plot (30): 18
Fan Votes (10): 9.4
Judges Vote (20): 10
Total: 64.4
Additional Comments: I have to start with the handcuffs scene. I do. I really do. That scene made me so uncomfortable, and not in a 'this is a horror/thriller type movie where the aim is to be uncomfortable'. Listen, when I watch a zombie rip apart a human to eat them I get kind of uncomfortable but it's in a good way as psychotic as that sounds (Good Lord). I cringe and I shift in my seat, but it's part of the reason why we watch horror movies and things like that. We want to be scared, we want to be uncomfortable. Yours made me uncomfortable because it was just so...awkward. You know when you watch a movie and the main character is totally humiliating themselves and you just squirm in your seat because you can FEEL the embarrassment radiate through you? That's what was happening. She licks the blood off her handcuffs then Reno flips out, she giggles and I just-uuuuugggghhh I'm cringing again. I'll get back to the whole OOC Reno in a bit because I wanna focus on [Name].
You haven't written your character to give off that psychopathic feel. Sure, she is saying a lot of cray cray shit, but she obviously isn't off her rocker the way you've written her. That seems like your point in a sense when I get towards the end, but you still don't hit what you were aiming for because she has no balance. My number one tip for you is to work on her. She is the bare outlines of a character and you need to flesh out more before she can be a successful MC.
Back to the OOC Reno. All I can say is research and I suggest that for other characters as well. Last thing, your dialogue seems really, really forced and stiff. Dialogue is a tricky thing. I don't have some magic tip that will fix all problems with it. All I can suggest is practice. It takes a lot of practice for some to get that flow that is needed to make dialogue come out right.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 11
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 15
Plot (30): 25
Fan Votes (10): 9.4
Judges Vote (20): 18
Total: 82.4
Additional Comments: SO. MUCH. BETTER. (still needs work, but compared to the first one, it's night and day. Get it? Night? As in all the darkness soliloquies you kept throwing out in the first one? xD) But just for future reference...Rude isn't a black guy. Nomura has openly stated that Rude was made to look South American.
But anyway, on to the actual critique. I think you still need to calm down with the creepy vibes you are trying to force, like every single word out of ~~~~~~~'s mouth was probably supposed to come off as unsettling to us, but because it was EVERY. Single. Word. it kind of lost it's effect really quickly. You should look up examples of understatement in horror writing, because I think that could really help you out. If you make everything is creepy all the time, then it loses it's effect and nothing becomes creepy. Like when ~~~~~ is talking to Reno, I was surprised by her at first...then she just kept on with the blood and the murder, so I eventually stopped being curious what she was going to say next, because I knew it was just going to be more blood and murder. Try incorporating, like personality changes, unsettling silences, tone shifts. Understatement is your best friend here. Like have you ever seen Hannibal Lector, or Silence of the Lambs? It's creepy because he does fucking nasty, weird shit, but is then the most intelligent and almost friendly man in the room. You like him, but he's fucking insane. But you see his insanity through his actions and callousness, not through him talking about eating people all the time. Because of the way you have it now, ~~~~~~ seems more like a mean, yappy dog that will try to bite you if you get too close to it, but onces it's leashed up it's no danger to anyone. Give her some mystery, some thoughts bubbling under the surface, some depth, but still maintain that murderer sense, and you wont need to force things to seem creepy, they just will be.
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
