'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book

Round Two: Finding Zinnath by Im_iNSaN3

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Finding Zinnath (Formerly [Name]: The One With The Dragon Tattoo)

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Final Verdict

Spelling and Grammar (5): 3

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9.3

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 10.3

Plot (30): 17.3

Fan Votes (10): 8.8

Judges Vote (20): 12.3

Total: 61

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 10

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 10

Plot (30): 17

Fan Votes (10): 8.8

Judges Vote (20): 15

Total: 63.8

Additional Comments: Wait, wait, wait, so at age 13, the village boys wanted 'things' she wasn't comfortable with? Are you kidding me? And is she still 13, because I don't know if I buy her and her dragon surviving out on their own if she won't let him eat any meat, and her wilderness skills seem to be a little lacking (exhibit a: the acorn). (Also, question...So..The dragon is both scaly AND hairy?) And you kinda blew your whole samurai vibe when the first character you introduced was named McNelly. Is she an OC? I don't recognize the name from FF or KH, so that makes me assume it's an OC, which is kinda frustrating because I'm just sittin here waiting for you to bring in some other characters for [name] and her dragon to interact with, and the first one you do bring in isn't anyone I recognize. But I guess you finished with more canon characters than OCs, so at the end of the day, I'm happy. Well, kinda. I got the impression from the first chapter and the beginning of this one that this story was going to be set in like, feudal japan, with samurai and warrior clans and shit, so I'm a little disappointed that you've decided to make it...moderny (I don't really know how else to describe what the image SOLDIER brings to my mind, but I guess it's modern. After all, where there's SOLDIER, there's ShinRa, which is in a big, modern city).

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 10

Plot (30): 20

Fan Votes (10): 8.8

Judges Vote (20): 12

Total: 62.8

Additional Comments: ...She's 13? Even Hiccup in HTTYD was 15! Also, I doubt that a 13 year old lady samurai would be trusted to kill a dragon that's already destroyed/killed other people, especially since women samurai were typically housewives. Now, there were female samurai, but I don't think that they'd send a 13-year old out to fight the dragon where countless others have failed. Also, do you mean that they've been traveling for 3 years and then all this happened, or that all this is happening in three years and you're telling it to us? Because it makes it sound like it can be either or, until you mention later that it's been years. And, I'm sorry, but there is no way that a basically full-grown dragon is going to listen to you when it comes to eating some meat, regardless of the bond they share. He's a full grown dragon, technically. What is he gonna eat other than meat? Something that he's probably been living off of for his whole life and you're banning him from it. Not good. Now, moving on from dragon dietary habits, there was the matter of the McNelly's. ...Moving on, as I don't think I'd like to discuss that, let's move on to how our dear reader goes on the dragon's back, claiming how tired she is to walk. ...Okay, so, your friend is basically being starved because you can't eat, he is forced to continue on this journey with you of his own free will, and you hop on the dragon's back and just fly away? ...I highly doubt that he's going to fly you after everything you've done. Given, I don't think he'll mean ill intent and he would still walk with you to your destination, but, I know that if I had a friend who was starving because eating animals is wrong in my book, was forced out of their home and travelling with a girl who has apparently "befriended" them in a few simple steps, regardless of our friendship status, I don't think they'd be very courteous and allow me a piggyback ride. Now, moving on, there was a bit of a grammatical mistake with the "He looked terrify". ...But the thing that kinda bothers me is the analogy with the snake at the mice family reunion with the room being dark. ....Strange, really. ...And, now I am curious on why you're allowed to eat fish, but Zinnath and the reader can't be bothered to hunt for animals and fucking eat them. I guess you could make the argument that it's not real meat, but, it's still kind of ridiculous. Now, the boys at your village called the reader princess or queen when they wanted sex? Because that's what my mind is thinking at the moment. But, why just those names? There are other names, ones that would make the point come across clearer. And, this girl is a fucking samurai. Her dragon may be hurt, but does this guy have any way of communicating with the ones who have Zinnath? She could just kill the guy or at the very least knock him out and then find out the situation with Zinnath. She's a samurai and therefore she's supposed to be resourceful. In fact, as she's escaping and figuring out all sorts of things, she proves she can escape these sorts of situations easily, even with her dragon in captivity. Then, there's Kladis. This villain sucks as a villain, considering how easily he was distracted, and the distraction being less than satisfactory. And then we finally meet our first KH/FF character, Leon. ...I don't know how to feel about this. He just doesn't feel...right. Like, he doesn't sound like he's written the right way. But, then again, this is Kingdom Hearts Leon, I suppose. And, he is more friendly. Though, what was with that incantation? If you can even call it that. When it came to summons in Kingdom Hearts, you needed someone like the Fairy Godmother for such things. In Kingdom Hearts II, you got these special necklaces. In Final Fantasy VIII, you fight the summon you want and then you can use them whenever you want once they're defeated, or at least that's what I remember from it. So, why the use of an incantation? And he's a dragon that can fly. Plus, if you're saying that SOLDIER is taking a special interest in her, which I'll get to in another moment, then it must be because she tamed said dragon. She might be a female samurai, but this doesn't seem like an era where that truly matters as much as it should, despite you making the argument that she's "impeccable". If she's smart, why didn't she use those smarts when it came to Zinnath being kidnapped by those guys when she first encountered them? And unless she has a special weapon or a special way of fighting, I don't think SOLDIER of all things, something that apparently is "the greatest thing since bacon", would notice her for something that you could probably find elsewhere. If they want the reader, then they're probably gonna want the dragon, too. Now, you could make the argument that Leon didn't know about the dragon, but Leon's smart. He'd probably put two and two together once he figured out about the dragon. Moving on now, you talk about SOLDIER and how she was noticed after this whole "Zinnath turning into a summon" moment. You make no mention on the dragon. Is this something that'll be brought up once she's there? Because, despite her being a female samurai, which is apparently a big deal in an age where there's helicopters, the fact remains that she's the first and only person to ever tame a dragon, apparently. This might not be true, but it should be something important. That's all I have to really say on this matter, as it's become much too long. But, I hope this story gets better, because as much as there are a lot of flaws, I love dragons. And to see a KH/FF story involving dragons makes me want better for it.

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3

Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 9

Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 11

Plot (30): 15

Fan Votes (10): 8.8

Judges Vote (20): 10

Total: 56.8

Additional Comments:

So, wait. She was 13 when she fought/tamed Zinnath, right? Then they were lost for three years meaning she's 16 now? When you start is that three years after they were kicked out? Because it doesn't sit well with me that despite them being out in the woods for three years they still haven't figured out the food/water/shelter scenario. I mean after a couple months even the most novice people (if they survive that long even) find a pattern. They find something that works and they kind of stick with it you know. So after three years it seems kind of strange that they still don't have a life pattern set out. Another thing I don't really get is the whole 'Don't eat other animals Zinnath'. I mean it's the food chain and don't get me wrong I have nothing against animals but if my dragon friend is hungry I'm gonna let him eat up some squirrels and rabbits and deer. Hell, I'd get Zinnath to catch the damn deer, roast it, and we'd both be eating venison for dinner. Another content issue I had was the characterization of Leon and Namine. Getting a character's personality right is freaking hard. It's really, stupidly hard sometimes. Honestly, it's a hit or miss kind of thing. Either your reader reads the chapter and thinks 'Rock on, it's [insert character here]' or they think 'Wait a minute [IFC] seems freaking weird'. So my suggestion is research, and by research I don't mean reading other people's fanfics b/c other people screw up too (trust me on this, I learned the hard way). Google them. Watch cut scenes. Play the games. There are an infinite amount of ways to find out how a character acts. There are no excuses, it just takes effort and I can tell you right now EVERYONE on Wattpad who writes KH/FF is still working on getting their characterizations just right. Now writing wise, I see possibilities. With work and practice you can fine tune your writing. It takes years and it's a pain in the ass but it's something you have to work for if you really want it. My helpful tip? Cut down on those flashbacks. Flow is everything when it comes to writing. I don't care if you have the vocabulary of a freaking literary genius, if you don't have flow you don't have crap. Flashbacks really screw up flow in my opinion. They can be used occasionally (and I heavily stress that word) but if you have more than one (short) flashback than you have too many. Find a way to tell what you want to tell in your story without using flashbacks. It's hard sometimes, but trust me when I say it's worth it. So don't give up. Work on it, alright? Practice, practice, practice.