'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book

Round One: "This Little Light of Mine" By Sharpicle

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This Little Light of Mine

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The Final Verdict:

Spelling and Grammar (5): 1.8
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 8.3
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 7.3
Plot (30): 13
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 8
Judges Vote (20): 5.7

Total: 44.1

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Individual judges votes and comments

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 3
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 8
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 11
Plot (30): 10
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 8
Judges Vote (20): 10
Total: 50

Additional Comments: First thing I have to say from reading the description, you say light will overcome the darkness because even the darkest of people have a little bit of light in them, and that’s why the light will always win…..well….even the best, lightest people have darkness in them. The light might never go off, but by your logic, neither will the darkness. Just sayin’. And when you say her weapon is a pole….do you mean like a staff? A rod? Pole seems very...stripper. xD Anyway, my first complaint is that there are no other characters besides your OCs. There’s nothing wrong with OCs, by all means feel free to use them, but I mean, if you have a cast of KH/FF characters that’s at least 30+ members strong, then why would you add in more characters of your own? Second, you have a very roundabout way of phrasing certain things, like there’s one line that says “A job as a Guardian, only specific to Aileen, is, to look after me…” why not just say ‘One of Aileen’s other duties as a Guardian is to look after me’? Much simpler, gets the point across, and takes away a lot of confusion. I’m also a little disappointed that there isn’t even really a set up for any other characters to enter the scene. It feels like this story is an adventure for your two OC’s, not a KH/FF story.   

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Spelling and Grammar (5): 2
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 8
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc] (20): 5
Plot (30): 16
Fan Votes [should be the same for every judge] (10): 8
Judges Vote (20): 4
Total: 43

Additional Comments: PROPER PUNCTUATION IS YOUR BEST FRIEND. DO NOT DISREGARD IT. WITHOUT PROPER PUNCTUATION, CHAOS WILL REIGN. You have run on sentences to the absolute MAX, and did you ever learn how to properly format dialogue? Because it really doesn’t look like it, honey. Also, creating another paragraph does not permit you to end your sentence like this

^ that’s painful for me to read, and I wrote it. Imagine how I felt when I went through your story. I usually don’t have much of a problem with OC stories, but that’s because the characters are well developed and relatable. Your OCs… well… let’s just say that I wouldn’t come near this story again if I had to solely because I don’t like your OCs. The way they speak to each other is so stiff, and I had virtually no input as to what their relationship was. Yeah, one’s a Guardian and the other’s the Guarded, but what of their dynamic? How do they get along? Are they comfortable with each other? How long have they known each other? Those questions are always answered in good dialogue and the ways that characters, OC or canon, react to each other. Your grammar is so cringeworthy, even the ice cream I was eating while looking through your story couldn’t make me smile. As I first stated: punctuation is your friend. It makes things easier to read, and gets points across quickly and painlessly. It’s like ripping a Band-Aid off cleanly- wait what. My point is, watch your grammar. Please.