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Shinra Electric Power Company
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Final Verdict
Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.6
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 12.7
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 13.7
Plot (30): 21
Fan Votes (10): 8.4
Judges Vote (20): 16
Total: 76.4
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 5
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 13
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 10
Plot (30): 20
Fan Votes (10): 8.4
Judges Vote (20): 15
Total: 71.4
Additional Comments: Well, you're still not giving us very much to go off of, but you caught my attention, because what Dajh said was probably a bit creepier to me than anyone else because I have a phobia of little children saying creepy shit thanks to watching too many horror movies. I want you to really work to give us more in the next chapter, like we're 3 pages in and so far all that's happened is Seifer is being Seifer, Nabaat and ShinRa are dicks, we go to lunch, Dajh is ominous. Like there's starting slow and then there's just nothing really happening. I don't really know how else to critique you because there is so little to go on. It's good so far, like I'm interested to see what happens, but there's not really much else to say.
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Spelling and Grammar (5): 4.8
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15): 12
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20): 14
Plot (30): 23
Fan Votes (10): 8.4
Judges Vote (20): 18
Total: 80.2
Additional Comments: Well, I'm glad that you got rid of the 'censors'! Now, one thing I thought I'd mention is that when you mentioned "O13" I wondered what that was for a solid 20 minutes and then immediately, as I searched for what it could be thinking it was something for Final Fantasy, it came to me as "Oh my God, she's talking about Organization XIII". I'm not meaning anything bad by it, I just thought it'd be funny to let you know about that. Now, let's get down to the brass tacks of things. I...didn't think your grammar or spelling was off at all. I mean, you might have needed a semi-colon at one point, or something along those lines, but I'd say that it was damn near perfect. As for the writing, well, isn't "Shinra Electric Power Company" sometimes just called Shinra? Or maybe it's just abbreviated to "S.E.P.C" maybe, but I don't think you should've written out the whole thing, it just sounds strange. As for characterization, I'd like to think you were very much on point, but, at the same time, I don't know, something about Rufus Shinra makes me think he isn't as much as him...though I suppose that's because we haven't seen much of him. As for Jihl Nabaat, she just seems somewhat bland, more so than her character in Final Fantasy XIII. In FFXIII, she seemed to be a bit more...sly? Calculating, really. So, maybe you should work on that a bit. Seifer, though, you don't have to worry. He's a jerk and he's also a friend, so, I think you did well with him. Otherwise, I'd say that this was a really great chapter, and as short as this was, you did add something of the plot, but still not enough. So, this should be interesting!
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Spelling and Grammar (5):4
Character Portrayals and Story Canon (15):13
Writing [Dialogue, description, etc.] (20):17
Plot (30):20
Fan Votes (10): 8.4
Judges Vote (20):15
Total: 77.4
Additional Comments: I liked this and you took our advice from the last judging about the censoring which is fantastic. You hinted at a plotline in this one with the whole Dajh thing, but it still feels lacking. Don't get me wrong, I did enjoy this chapter a lot and nothing made me want to bang my head against the desk which earns you bonus points, it's just the lack of action? I don't mean action in the sense of fighting and explosions and what not, I just mean it by people doing things period. You just have a very slow pace and your chapters are short which results in an awkward pace. For example, your prologue and this chapter could have been combined (then add even more) and it would have probably felt more balanced. Still though, you're doing a good job. Keep it up!
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'Best KH/FF/Others Story' Competition Judgment Book
FanfictionWhere all results, feedback, comments, judges input, and scores will be posted. If you're in this competition, this book is your lifeline. It's how you can connect with the judges, the other writers, and the other stories.
