Smile [Ziall]

42.

I was sitting at the cafeteria, absent-mindedly staring at the bowl of soggy cereal in front of me. Nothing interested me. Nothing meant much to me right now.

I was driving myself crazy, over-thinking about why Zayn had ignored my words last night.

My only two conclusions was that either he didn't love me back and I had ruined this for the both of us by being stupid, and the other that Zayn wasn't ready. He was just scared because our relationship would be illegal and very hard to hide if someone else found out.

I was desperately hoping for the second possiblity to be true.

I hadn't slept for a second last night, my mind working in overdrive as I'd tossed and turned, my mind replaying last night's scene, and Zayn's shocked and pained face over and over again.

I eventually cried myself to sleep during the dark hours, only to wake up minutes later as sobs racked me again. I just couldn't control my emotions, and was terrifying me how much I had fallen for Zayn. It hurt too much, too damn much to think that I'd actually have to move on from him, and that would have to happen.

I had panicked Louis at night, who was soothed me while hugging me tightly and kissing my hair, and I had finally slept brokenly for a few minutes in Louis' arms.

I was sitting at the table with Louis, Liam, Ashton and his room-mate Luke now. I had told Louis everything after I'd broken down, and Louis being the best friend he is wanted to punch Zayn square in the face the instant he saw him behind the counter this morning.

And when I'd seen him this morning, my throat had itched with the sudden urge to sob, my hands had shook and my heart had hurt again.

Zayn himself looked worn out and not like the cheerful Zayn I saw everyday. And what I saw shocked me. Zayn Malik was wearing a fake smile today.

When his eyes had met mine, his had twinged with something like guilt, and he looked away quickly, busying himself even more, making me let out a shaky sigh as Louis had comfortingly rubbed my lower back, guiding us to our table.

I'd wanted to run and hide again, but Louis had grasped my arm in an iron tight grip to prevent me from escaping. And he was right. I should start getting over him, I should start right away.

Because Zayn isn't going to give me an explanation. He had made that clear last night. When he had returned to the car with Louis and Liam, Zayn had drove back to the hostel without a word, not ever looking at me once. Only when we'd reached inside did he try to stop me. Even when I'd wanted to turn back, I stayed, looking at him hopefully for a rational explanation, tears in my eyes.

But Zayn had opened his mouth and closed it. And he had signed, Forget it. Forget this happened. I'm sorry I- he'd then ran his hands over his face, then glanced at me with pain his eyes. I had waited, but Zayn just shook his head and covered his eyes regretfully, turned on his heel and briskly walked away.

But I'd known what he'd wanted to say when he cut himself off. I had waited for what what like hours when it was only a minute, watching him disappear back into the building, and then I'd finally walked away blinded by my tears.

Sorry that I don't love you back. But you should have known better than to fall for me, someone who is so much older than you. Now try to get over it.

I know that's what he'd wanted to say.

But why did he lead me on and convince me that he felt something for me if this wasn't even right?

And why wasn't he explaining? Why was he avoiding me? Why? Is a simple answer too much to ask?

Louis was still livid of course, even more so when we were stood in line in front of Zayn and I had wanted to disappear. But since Louis couldn't punch a teacher, he instead, when Zayn had handed Louis his bowl of cereal, had thrown all the contents of the bowl on Zayn's face, and I was just left staring wide eyed and Louis shrugged innocently, and Zayn sputtered out milk.

Louis had gotten detention, I had been saved from being served by Zayn (bless Louis), Zayn had a drenched uniform but didn't look the least bit mad... but what didn't change were my feelings for Zayn.

If anything, I wanted him to talk to me and not avoid me, and clear everything up once, just once. Tell it to my face that he doesn't love me, if nothing.

I wanted this more than anything because I know I can't ever get over my love for Zayn Malik. But if he just assures me that he wants this to end, then maybe, just maybe I can try.

- - -

babies :'(

badass louis tho :D

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