UNBROKEN

FORTY SECOND INSTALMENT

We returned home that night and I was buzzing from the day. It really was a lovely day the best I had had in a while. Grant stayed for as long as he could but he had to go by midnight in order to be ready to sail the next morning.

I had been having terrible pain in my tummy since having Ava and mum decided it was time to take me to the doctors to check it out. So started the familiar walk to the train station in order to go to town. I was in pain this day but we really couldn't afford to catch a bus or a cab to the doctors. I was pushing Ava's pram and this was helping a little as I could take some of my weight on the pram.

When we arrived at the doctors he asked if I had ever had a Pap smear. My answer was no I was only 16 nearly 17 by this stage. He called the nurse in and they gave me a Pap smear. Well wasn't I in for a shock what a horrible feeling at that age it feels like you are being invaded. Any woman who has had this done (which should be all of us) will know it is extremely uncomfortable.

After they had finished the doctor said he should have the results back by the end of the week. He didn't do any blood tests or much else but I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

We left the doctors and went across the road the westfields shopping centre. It is a massive shopping centre 3 stories high and it would take you almost all day to look around. We decided to go and have an ice coffee before catching the train home. I was not looking forward to the walk but we had no choice.

We decided to have a look around the shops before heading off and I wanted to go and look at the baby clothes in best and less for Ava. They always had pretty clothes. I found a really cute jumpsuit for her and it was on sale so I decided to buy it. Yes I know we didn't have enough money for the bus but I could buy a jumpsuit for Ava. Well she never went without ever. I lady at the counter looked down and said "she is beautiful" as Ava smiled her magical smile that always brought people in. The lady looked at me and said "she's not yours is she?" I said yes and she responded "you are just a baby, you shouldn't have a baby". I looked at her and said "obviously I could she here, well dressed and loved" the lady just scanned my item and looked away. It made me feel about 2 inches tall.

We finally got home and didn't do much at all. We watched tv and had dinner and went to bed.

The next day the phone rang quite early. It was the doctors surgery. They wanted me to come straight in. The doctor had been concerned and rushed my results through. He didn't show it the day before though.

So again we walked to the station, rode the train to the doctors and I didn't even get to sit down. He called me and mum in. Barry waited with Ava.

"We got the results back and they found something Emily" the doctor said. Mum asked some questions the he touched my leg and said "you have to go to the hospital, I have scheduled you in. You have to have a colposcopy (this is an examination of the cervix) and a biopsy".
"Cancer" mum blurted out before she thought. The doctor hadn't said this but mum knew that if you have a biopsy it is to determine if you have cancer or not. I had no idea.

When we walked out I was numb. I didn't know what to think. Mum hailed a cab (we couldn't afford it but there was no way she was going to let me walk there). We got to the hospital and as the doctor had said he had organised everything. A nurse walked me in to a theatre room. If I thought the paps smear was bad it was nothing on this. The only benefit was that it was a lady who did this.

I was put in stirrups and the nurse used the clamp she poked around inside and put some sort of dye in and a scope that looked around. She told me the the dye would show and problems. She the took the biopsy. I didn't have a local and to be honest it must be numb in there because I just felt uncomfortable it didn't really hurt. When she had finished I got my dignity back, dressed and walked out to mum. The nurse said they would rush the results and call us as soon as they have them.

Again we went home and did nothing. I couldn't really do anything I didn't know how to feel, I was confused and that word rang in my head like alarm bells 'cancer' over and over. I didn't sleep well that night. Again the next morning the phone rang and I froze. I couldn't answer it. Mum walked past me and grabbed the phone. It was the hospital I had to got back again.

We travelled on the bus to the hospital. We got there and the same nurse came out to great me. She called me in to a little room and I wanted mum to come also so she did. A doctor came in just as we sat down. "Hello Emily, we have found something. You have cervical cancer" he said my eyes started to water and all I could think is 'no what's going to happen to Ava, Mum and Barry I didn't hear what Mum was asking the doctor as my mind was not in that room. Then the doctor tapped my knee "Emily, the cancer is stage 2. This means we need to do a diathermy ( this is burning tissue) we will be doing it today as if we don't it could go further at the moment it is in 2 areas so we should get be able to get it all and there shouldn't have to be any more treatment" I got up and said "ok let's do it" the doctor smiled and took me to a theatre that he already had prepared. I got on the bed and followed the same procedure as I had the day before. He rapped a band around my leg and without a local he started the procedure. It was so uncomfortable I didn't feel pain I just smelt burning flesh. It was horrible. I don't remember how long it took because my mind was elsewhere.

When the procedure was finished the doctor order me to come back the next week and they would check that they got it all. He said I needed time to heal. He said he was pretty sure they had but needed to check. He then said I had to have Pap smears every 6 months for the next few years.

When we got home that day I took Ava to our room laid on the bed and cried holding her...