UNBROKEN

TWENTY SEVENTH INSTALMENT

I stayed with Mum for a few more days and finally Jay decided to call me. "When are you coming back?" He didn't ask how I was just when are you coming back. I told him to come and get me. I didn't feel like leaving mums but he was not happy and I just didn't have the strength to argue. I called Mum to tell her I was going back to Jay's and that I would call her again soon and come and visit. "Are you sure? You can stay at home sweetheart" she said. I told her I was fine and that I had to go. She just replied with "if you need me just call"

Jay arrived and we went for a drive to see Steven. Don't know if I have said before but Stevens brother was Ze so he knew Nigel well. Ze was there when we arrived. Jay went inside and left me in the car as usual and Ze came out to the car to see me and check I was ok. "Come in Emily, you'll boil in this car it is too hit"he stated. "No Jay told me to stay here" I replied. Ze stormed off and started yelling at Jay " what the fuck are you doing you left Emily in the car, she pregnant you idiot" Jay didn't argue with Ze as his family were not the people you messed with. Jay yelled out and said "Emily what are you doing I told you to come inside". I was so confused he told me to stay now he's tell me the opposite. I got out of the car and walked inside. Ze got me a glass of water and we spoke for ages whilst Steven and Jay smoked pot. After a while Jay said were all going to Johns house (another friend of Stevens and Jay's I didn't know him very well).

We all piled into the car and not much was said. We got to the other side of town and went down a little hill, John lived in a caravan with his girlfriend. This is where Jay disappeared to most nights. It stunk of pot, there were no clean dishes and clothes everywhere. I had to move a heap of clothes to try and find a spot to sit down. I had never lived in a brothel and this is exactly what my mum would have called this place and exactly what I thought when I first walked in. After being there for hours in a smoke filled caravan I felt really sick. I asked Jay if he could please take me home. He was so smashed that I shouldn't have said anything but I really was feeling unwell and the next day was going to be Nigel's funeral. He finally agreed to take me home to lay down. It may have been that my face turned grey/green and Steven had recognised and said "mate she doesn't look good best you take her home and come back".

We got in to the car and Jay immediately started yelling at me " if you didn't want to come you should have just said so and I could have dropped you off before we came, fuck Emily you really shit me". At this stage I had really had enough. I had just lost my best mate and was pregnant to someone who always said they loved me but then in the next move would beat me. I did not think before it came out of my mouth " fucking hell Jay, it really is all about you and your bullshit, you haven't asked how I am it if I'm ok and my best mate just killed himself you constantly beat me and I am fucking sick off it, take me to my mums house" what the hell got in to me? I should have expected what followed he slammed on the brakes and pulled over to the sit of the road. He punched me in the face the grabbed my arms and started shaking me " don't ever fucking speak to me like that again" he screamed in my face "take me to my mums now" I spat back at him. Funnily enough he let me got and sped all the way to my mums house. He pulled up down a side road and said "well get the fuck out" I did and he sped off.

I sat on my neighbours lawn for about an hour watching my mums house and couldn't bring myself to go inside. I picked myself up and started walking at this stage it was nearly midnight. I just kept walking and walking I was on the way to my karate sisters house. As I got just near the lookout that Jay had first hit me I heard his car coming. It was dark and I was trying to hide but he found me. He got out and was chasing me up the road yelling and screaming at me he grabbed my arms and slapped me across the face when a car pulled up it was an older guy he came running over and said "is everything ok here?, are you ok love". Even though blind Freddy could see it wasn't I stood in front of this guy and said " everything is fine, thanks for caring" he got back in his car and drove away.

As soon as the guy left Jay started being nice to me telling me that he was sorry and he only did it because he loved me etc. I told Jay that I wanted to go and see my karate sister and he said "ok I'll drive you there". We got in the car and he took me to her house. He said he'd be back in an hour. I walked up to her door and knocked. It was lucky that her dad didn't answer the door. My sis got to the door. She saw the state of me and told me to come inside. We spoke for the entire hour. I told her that I loved Jay but I was scared of him. She told me it would be ok and that she could see Jay loved me. I heard Jay's car pull up outside and I said my goodbyes. I felt that I really had no one that I could speak to as no one knew exactly how I was feeling and exactly what was happening behind closed doors.

I got in the car and Jay drove back to his house. We went to bed. He didn't try anything that night he was off his face. Before we went to bed I set the alarm and said "I have to go to Nigel's funeral tomorrow" Jay said "yeah I have to pick up Steven and take him".

I woke before the alarm and got up and dressed in all black. I woke Jay and told him we had to go. He got up and put on his football shorts and singlet. I remember thinking these are not really funeral clothes but he wasn't going to wear anything I asked him too and today I didn't need to be hit before I went and faced a day that I was not looking forward too.

We got in the car and were on our way over to get Steven when I said to Jay "I'm really not feeling well. I can't believe that Nigel is not here and that I can't just give him a call". Jay slammed the breaks on and looked at me "He fucking deserved to die he was a fuck head" he spat out. I just stared at him in complete shock. I wanted to beat the crap out if him. How could he be so mean. He knew how close I was to Nigel and that he was my best mate since childhood. Why would you say this about anyone. No one deserves this. He pulled away and we went to Stevens and didn't speak any more on the way there. Steven got in. The car and we were off to the funeral.

We pulled up in front of the church. I remember seeing all these cars everywhere. There were about 300+ people there. As I walked in I saw all my school friends. They all walked over to hug me. We all walked up the front of the church. We stood to the right of his coffin. In the front row was his mum and his beloved nan. Nigel's nan was blind so she had her guide dog with her. I walked over and gave her a hug and said "I'm so sorry nan". She cried and said "is that you Emily? He loved you, you were such a good friend to him". I kissed her cheek and backed away as everyone was trying to get to her. I could see she needed space. I walked back over to the right of his coffin. There were flowers everywhere. His coffin was white and only about 4 foot long. This shocked me as he was at least 5 foot tall when he was alive. I tried not to cry but I could help it "Jay! Why is his coffin so small? He can't fit in that" I cried. " he blew his head off Emily that is why" he whispered so Boone could hear him. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream at him and bash him. How date he. Why couldn't he hold me and say "it's ok baby, he safe now" no not Jay.

I don't remember much more about the service as I was a mess. All I do remember is that they had changed the Lord's Prayer. I learnt it from my pa and the words they were saying had changed. It was weird I wasn't sure what was going on I was so confused over a prayer and words changing I just kept going over and over the prayer in my head. Strange I know habit I think back now and I think I was trying to not think about girl in that tiny coffin.

Ze and all my other mates carried the coffin out to the car. I walked beside them along with a lot of our friends. Ze asked me to come to the burial. I couldn't do it. I started shaking and I fell to the ground. Jay told me to get up but I couldn't move. I couldn't control my body. Jay lifted me and got me in to the car. I looked right at him and said "take me home, I can't go and watch them put him in the ground, take me home please just take me home". He took me home dropped me off then left me there to deal with my emotions by myself.

I needed a hug, I couldn't bring myself to go and watch them put him in the ground. I laid down all I could see was that small coffin and in my mind I was seeing only Nigel's body no head. I didn't want to close my eyes.....