Damaged / ℂ𝕠𝕞𝕡𝕝𝕖𝕥𝕖𝕕 /

Forty - Four

I was laying on Justin's bed alone as the music was blasting downstairs, how can they even live here?

I'm not going to go downstairs, I'm done with these stupid parties, and I know Noah will be downstairs so no thank you.

After Noah said that very Noah thing, I went to Justin's and laid here, Justin tried talking to me but I couldn't seem to answer, I'm not sure what is up with me but someone asks me something and I cant seem to get the words out, but I couldn't cry, no tears came out.

Someone knocked on the door, good try it's locked, I thought, I ignored it until my phone buzzed, it was Lucas that wanted to come in, maybe talking to him will help? If I can even talk, I unlocked the door letting him in, when he was in I locked it again.

"Justin said you were upstairs" He said awkwardly, I sat down on the bed again "Why aren't you talking?" He asked, worry spread all over his face "I...I don't know" I cracked out, he sighed pulling me into a hug, and there it was.

All the tears that I couldn't cry out alone, came out now "Sorry" I cried out in his chest, he sighed stroking my hair "Let it all out" Lucas said softly.

"This is not how you want to spend your Friday night" I cried out "Oh please, what do you want me to do? To sit down there with my friends that are all wasted and dont even know what they are saying knowing you are up here like this?" He whispered, I sniffled in his chest.

"Noah is a jackass, he doesn't deserve your tears" he said wiping them "Why did I even start to mess around with him?" I mumbled sitting up "Because you feel-" "felt" I corrected "Yeah, felt attracted to him" He said "But I'm not like that" I cracked out "Nobody thinks less of you if you have feelings for him" He said rubbing my back"I don't!" I yelled at him, he put his hands in the air "Sorry, you don't" He said.

I sighed throwing myself back on the bed "I knew he would do this" I said covering my face "We all did" He said, I glared at him, "We've been warning you, I'm not lying" He laughed "He was changing" I muttered looking down "I know, but maybe he is just too broken to be fixed, you can't make all the wrongs right in the world Ava" He whispered, I looked at him, tears in my eyes again.

"I tried" I cried out once again, he pulled me back into the hug and we just laid there, he was stroking my hair while I was crying. Why didn't I just messed around with Lucas?

Loud bangs woke me up, Lucas was already by the door, Noah stormed in pushing Lucas against the wall "What the fuck are you doing here with her!?" He yelled in his face "I was just comforting her" He said calmly, he must be so used to this already "I'm sick of your ass always being with her behind my back" He snapped "What the fuck is your problem!?" I yelled at him storming to him pushing his chest so he would move away from Lucas.

"What the fuck?" Noah groaned at my pushes "I hate you, fuck off!" I yelled, I didn't even know what I was doing now "What do you want from me?" Noah snapped "I want you to go" I said crossing my arms now "You dont mean that" He said "The only one that doesn't mean what they say, is you" I said angrily, Lucas was out by now, probably so we would fight it out.

"What?" He asked confused "You are special to me Ava" I mocked him "Don't make fun of me" He warned "You made fun of me, when you said that you had a good time messing with my head, you made fun of me when you fucking invite Lana out of all the people to the party you knew I had to go to, why!?" I yelled "You know what? Fuck you" He said turning around.

I got in between him and the door "Why?" I said again "Because you need to stay away from me" He snapped "You are so selfish, you think it's okay to just play everybody around you?" I spat out.

"I'm not fucking playing you!" He yelled punching the wall right next to my face "I'm trying, I have to be with Lana" He growled "You don't!" I yelled at him "Everywhere I go I see your fucking face! You are all I think about all day and I cant fucking deal with it anymore get out of my fucking head!" he yelled punching the wall again.

"I can't fuck anyone anymore because all I see is you, all I think about is you, how your hair moves when I'm thrusting into you, how your swollen lips part when you are about to come, how you whimper when I pull out, I can't fucking deal with it anymore" He breathed out, I looked at his face "You notice all these details?" I mumbled "That's not the point" He snapped.

"What is the point?" I sighed "The point is that you need to stop doing whatever you are doing" He muttered "I'm not doing anything, it's all you" I said sitting down on my bed now.

He looked at me with tears in his eyes "I can't love you" He whispered as if he was convincing himself "What?" Did he just say he loved me?

"I can't let myself love you" He leaned against the wall while his voice broke, I got up walking to him "You have feelings for me?" I asked him confused.

"Everything and everyone I love, I end up destroying" He cracked out, and then it hit me.

He is afraid of love.