The Tapes; A 13 Reasons Why Fanfiction

You Can Tell the Heart of a Man by How He Grieves

Y/n's POV

Today was Bryce's funeral. I had originally planned to go and sit in the back and say nothing to anyone. But then Bryce's mom had asked me to say a few words, and I couldn't tell her no. So now here I was standing at the front of the church working up the nerve to go inside. I was clutching the small black purse at my side that held my phone and the notecards for my speech, and the nails on my left hand were digging into my palm. After taking a few deep breaths, I walked inside. Nora, Bryce's mother, was standing at the entry way to the main body of the church, greeting the guests as they came in.

"Y/n, it's so good to see you," Nora claimed and gave me a hug. 

"You too," I return. "I'm uh, I'm sorry for your loss." 

Nora smiled sadly. "Thank you. I think I saw Zach and his mother sitting somewhere towards the middle section if you'd like to sit with him." 

"Thank you. I'll see you in a bit," I bid her before heading into the main body of the church. Just like Nora had said, Zach was sitting with his mother and Chloe in the center section of pews. Zach stood up when he saw me and gave me a small squeeze. He then allowed me to enter the pew, where I took a seat.

"Hey," Zach greeted. "Where are your parents?" 

"Both of them had to work today, so I had to come by myself," I answer. "That also means no one has critiqued my speech yet. What if it sucks? What if it's too sad?"

"I'm sure it's fine," Zach assured me. While waiting for the funeral to start, I became jittery. My foot was tapping against the ground, my fingers were tapping against my lap, and I couldn't stop fidgeting. "You okay, Y/n?" 

"Yeah," I reply. "I think I just have to use the bathroom. I'll be right back. Excuse me." 

I made my way out of the pew and into the bathroom, which was empty. And thankfully it was, because my stomach suddenly lurched, and I ran into the nearest stall and threw up in the toilet. For a moment or two, I just sat there on the floor, staring at the stall wall. I didn't want to get up, let alone speak at this funeral. But here I was. Once I gathered myself, I went over to the sinks and set my purse down on the counter. Opening my purse, I pulled out my bottle of oxy pills. I took two out of the bottle before swallowing them with the help of some of the sink water. When I looked back up at the mirror, the person who stared back at me didn't look like my normal self. My eyes were all red around the edges, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking no matter how calm I was. After taking a few deep breaths, I exited the bathroom, and to my surprise, Monty was standing a few feet away from the door.

"You okay? You don't look too good," Monty noticed.

"Fuck off Monty. I'm fine, okay? You don't have to worry about me," I tell him. 

"Really? Because it feels like you've changed since this summer," Monty confessed. 

"Maybe that's because I was shot in the fucking leg and had to give up volleyball," I retort. "Did you ever think of that? Just leave me the fuck alone." As soon as I got back to my seat, Zach had to get up to start his speech. I watched him walk to the podium with his notecards and take a spot behind it before taking a deep breath.

"Bryce was a real competitor on the field," Zach started. "He fought for his team. Always. He was loyal, and he was strong. He was the kind of strong that I always wished that I could be in a way. I didn't always agree with Bryce or what he did, but I wonder sometimes if all we are is the sum of our actions in the end or if we're more than that. I want to believe that we're more than that. There was a time where I called Bryce Walker my brother, and there was a time where I didn't, but we're all brothers and sisters. All of us. And whether I like it or not, I am my brother's keeper. So Bryce I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and goodbye." 

"Good job. You did great," I commend Zach.

"Thanks. Good luck," Zach wished me as the two of us switched spots. I began to walk up the aisle to the front of the church, and I could feel everyone's eyes on me, but I ignored them. This was my chance to speak about how I really felt about Bryce. This was my chance to share my feelings with everyone sitting in the pews. I took my note cards out of my purse and set them on the podium, and then I began my speech.

"Bryce Walker was the kid who shared his twinkies with me during lunch back in middle school," I begin. "It's how we met, actually. He offered me his twinkie in exchange for my grapes, a weird trade, but one that grew into a friendship. And once he knew I loved all things sweet, he never told his mom he didn't like the twinkies just so that he could always give them to me. Back then, kids would always make fun of me for being too smart, but Bryce always shut them down. He kept the bullies away. In high school, Bryce and I got even closer. We would have parties on the weekends and study groups on weekdays and we did all the things high schoolers did. But I'm not here to talk about me. I'm here to talk about him.

"Bryce was a good guy in the beginning, like many of you know. He was always helping his friends with whatever they needed, no matter what it was. For me, he was someone I could vent to about problems with my family and friends and boyfriend. And he listened every single time, no matter how stupid whatever I was ranting about was. But then, as we know, Bryce made one bad choice, and that choice defined who he was. That choice set his life in stone. Throughout everything though, especially the trials that happened this past spring, Bryce remained kind to me even when I wasn't the kindest to him. I'm sorry for that, Bryce. I know not all of you are here for the right reason, which is to grieve for him. Some of you believe Bryce is a bad guy. But to me, he's one of the nicest people on the planet, even after everything that happened. He wanted to change, but his life was taken from him before he could. Bryce, I'm sorry for what happened to you. Just know that even when other people didn't believe you could change, I did. I love you Bryce Walker. I always have, and I always will." 

"You did great," Zach commented when I returned to the pew. "I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks. I um, I'm actually gonna be going though," I murmur and wipe at my eyes, where tears had began to form. "I don't think I can sit through the rest of this. I'll talk to you later."