The Fifteenth Year

April: Part 1

Love makes us both happy and sad, and there is not a soul alive that has been able to understand why.  - Courtney Peppernell

We know what the world wants from us. We know we must decide whether to stay small, quiet, and uncomplicated or allow ourselves to grow as big, loud, and complex as we were made to be. Every girl must decide whether to be true to herself or true to the world. Every girl must decide whether to settle for adoration or fight for love.  - Glennon Doyle Melton

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Friday, April 1, 2005

Dear Friend,

Spring break is here! We got out of school at a usual time and a week of fun and freedom is now upon us. Chloe left a few hours early to go to the orthodontist for her appointment. So she got the braces off. We are all dying to see what she looks like without them! (Because, seriously. They were holding her back.) She's meeting Tessa, Renee, and me at the park tomorrow to rollerblade. Can't wait!

I took my backpack up to my room (brought home some textbooks for review and a book Miss Burgess gave us to read through for an essay we got to do when we got back to school), vowing to myself that I'll look at them later. Then I went downstairs to eat a banana and meet Jason outside. He was sitting on the curb by my driveway and I walked over and plopped down beside him and kissed his cheek.

"Excited to have the week off?" I asked stupidly. Of course he was. What teenage boy wants to be in school?

"You have no idea. I needed the week off from football too. My ankle was starting to twinge," he admitted.

"Is it okay?" I asked, eyes getting big.

He laid a hand on my knee. "Don't worry. I iced it and have been doing some stretches with it the past couple of days. It'll heal over the weekend I'm sure."

Relief flooded me. Jason couldn't miss the playoffs with his team. It'd kill him. The Lions were just announced to be huge contenders for State, and the leading team in our district. They were about to head into the playoffs for the final month before the State Championship. They only had one more regular season game before playoffs started and at that point they will need to win every single game - just like they've been doing.

"My mom had her six month scan today," he said softly, pulling me from my thoughts.

I sat up and turned to him, concern all over my face. "And?"

He smiled. "All clear. No regrowth of the cancer."

I threw my arms around him. "That's fantastic news, Jason."

"Feels like a million years ago, doesn't it?"

"Yes and no. A lot has changed since then, but at the same time...still fresh. It feels like we just got her back. I don't take our parents for granted anymore."

"Me either. The guys in the locker room were complaining about their moms as mom was going through all this - and they weren't stupid, they knew. It was pretty insensitive. But more than that, I was incredibly frustrated that they didn't see how lucky they were that their families were untouched." He met my eyes. "The only person I felt I could talk to about it all was you. You love my mom. You understand what I could've lost." He closed his eyes and whispered, "I feel like such an idiot."

I touched foreheads with him. "Why?"

"Because I should've been with you a long time ago. I should've dumped Lydia that week. She never got along with my mom, didn't empathize with me at all when I found out...I don't even think she has any loving feelings toward her own mother, for that matter. She never grasped family like you and I do. And you...here you were...loving me all this time. You were more than a true friend, Cassie. I was so stupid for not realizing it."

"It doesn't have to keep coming back to this, you know. It's not my goal to keep making you feel like a jerk. I wanted to tell you so many times..."

"Why didn't you?" he almost pleaded. "Why? Why did you let my stupidity continue? Why did you let yourself go through that pain? Why did you let me put you through all that?"

"I thought I wanted to tell you, but...maybe what I wanted t was for you to figure it out on your own." I shrugged. "And then when your mom got sick...everything else just seemed so...ridiculous. My problems became petty. Not everything was about me. I just wanted you all to be okay. I wanted you and me to finally be okay. I wanted my friend back. The way it was before high school got in our way."

"Makes me mad, actually."

"What? What I did?"

"No. That something as stupid as school came between us. I know we're stronger than that. Why did we let that happen?"

"I don't know."

"It was my fault. You were always so kindhearted that you were never going to ask me for attention if you thought it'd make me feel bad. I should've made an effort. You must've thought I stopped caring about you."

"I just wasn't sure."

"Well, Cassie, I promise you," he took my hand in both of his, "when college potentially comes for me ,and when it inevitably does for you? I won't let you down again. School will not come between us. You and I are going to be okay."

Then we sealed it with a kiss. And another kiss. And a few more after that.