The Fifteenth Year

December: Part 6

Friday, December 24, 2004

Dear Friend,

I'm still in a fog from yesterday. Seriously, what was that? Did I imagine it? Thank goodness it's Christmas Eve and tomorrow it's Christmas so my friends will understand why I didn't call them and them about it. What would I even say? Plus, I'm sure I'd get strangled by them when they find out I didn't steal the chance to tell Jason my secret. At least my death sentence will be delayed until the holidays are over. Maybe even by then I'll understand what's going on between the two of us. I'm more confused than ever. It seems as though he is too.

Jason isn't exactly avoiding me, but it's all weird between us now. He's acting strangely around me. My family is over at his house now for Christmas. It's really fun with all the talking, presents, and playing with the puppy...but something between Jason and me has shifted. He almost seems embarrassed to talk to me. Like, I went in the kitchen to grab a plastic cup and pour myself a soda and Jason had the bottle I wanted. He apologized, offered to pour me some, moved too quickly and spilled a little on the floor and mumbled another apology before promptly grabbing a paper towel to wipe it up and then left the room. He wasn't together, smooth, or my teasing friend like usual. See? He's being weird.

His family had It's A Wonderful Life on the TV and our families were glued to it with bowls of popcorn, but I left the room with a weak smile. I just wasn't feeling it. Too much was on my mind. And no, it wasn't the Christmas presents.

Jason found me sitting halfway up the steps on his stairs about ten minutes later. "People are asking about you," he said. "Why are you hiding out?"

I shrugged. "I've seen that movie fifty times. Just wanted some quiet."

He grabbed the railing of the stairs. "Mind if I grab some quiet with you?"

I patted the step beneath me. "Sure."

He took a seat and we were quiet for a minute.

"Can I ask you a question?" I asked, looking down at my hands while I interlaced my fingers. I would never find the courage to ask if God forbid I actually looked at him.

He shifted his weight uncomfortably. He knew what was coming. "Sure."

"Last night..." I had to go right out with it. It was the only way. "You grabbed my hand. Why?"

He grabbed the hair at the back of his neck and sighed. "I don't know. I guess...hearing you and my mom sing together... Cassie, I didn't know if my mom was going to make it to Christmas. We didn't know how bad it'd be...how the surgery would go...so seeing you and my mom together...hearing you two sing for those people...how close you guys are...it made me realize that you'd be losing her too. I guess I never realized how much she loves you. How much you both mean to me. I guess what I'm trying to say is...having you both here, seeing you guys in that moment; it made me feel...like everything was okay. And I was comforted by that. You've both always been there for me. It caught up to me, I guess."

Oh. So not where I thought (or really hoped) he was going with that. This was about his mom? My heart twinged with ache. It wasn't that his words didn't mean something to me. I had stupidly hoped it was because he was beginning to feel what I had been feeling. Like there was something blossoming between us. Yet again, I read too much into that look. I provided Jason with a sense of belonging and security, and there was nothing wrong with that. But that's where the feelings stopped. We would always be friends. Maybe it was time I came to terms with that once and for all.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable," he said after a minute.

It had occurred to me that I'd never given a response, so I'm sure that's why he felt the need to say this. Of course he would come to this conclusion. I acted like a scared fawn when he touched me and now I was silent as I took in his words.

"You don't need to be sorry," I whispered. "I'm thankful your mom is here, too. Truly, I am."

"Thanks for understanding. I guess that could have been misconstrued, so I'm sure you had a lot of questions. I'm that I confused you."

And there it was. Him locking the door to any sort of relationship we might have had. I never even had to put myself out there to embarrass myself. He didn't want to lead me on. This was his way of saying no.

I nodded. "It's good you told me." Don't cry. Don't cry. "It would have been awkward if...you know..."

His eyes told me he understood where my sentence was headed. "Right. We're okay. Nothing needs to change. I'm glad we talked." Then he smiled and socked me gently in the arm.

I blinked longer than normal. If I didn't, the tears would spill over.

"Come on back soon. Chester notices your absence," Jason chuckled.

I nodded. When I was sure he was gone and couldn't hear me, I took a deep breath and cried as softly as I could manage.

Perfect moment? What a freaking joke. Sometimes there weren't perfect moments. Sometimes there were just simple 'no's. It doesn't happen that way for everybody. Jason didn't even realize he had rejected me. I figured all along that would soften the blow. Somehow it didn't.