The Fifteenth Year

November: Part 4

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Dear Friend,

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving Day and the Conners' are coming over (of course) and some of our (and their) closest relatives. Then about twenty of us are going to be over here pigging out on a 24 lb. turkey and stuffing and all that happy stuff. We'll have the parade on the TV. I'm sure I don't have to pick out an outfit since I'm probably going to drip mashed potatoes and gravy all down my shirt anyway, but I think I'll wear my long-sleeved, green-checkered plaid shirt that looks great with blonde hair. Tomorrow is going to rock!

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Dear Friend,

I wore my green-checkered shirt and put my hair in a high ponytail and applied a natural look of makeup (not too much). Then guest after guest came. I think I caught Jason looking at me for a split second, and then he went over to the sink to wash his hands and sit at the table. Was I finally getting through to him? And if I was, now is my chance to say something! After visiting and eating the big feast, people began to leave. After all the relatives were gone, we put in a movie. After the movie was over, Jeremy went to bed and Brendan and Tracy paired off to talk as did our parents. So Jason and I joined in on Brendan and Tracy's conversation. As the Conners' left, Jason told me I looked nice, and shut the door behind him. Now that's a start!! Now we're getting somewhere. Lydia didn't come up in conversation once, so that must mean they haven't spoken since the breakup and he must not really miss her. Hopefully she'll stay history.

Friday, November 26, 2004

Dear Friend,

I don't feel good so I'm laid up in the house with a book. Chloe called to ask how my holiday was. When I asked about hers, she went into this story about how all week long her parents have had to send strangers off their property because 'no, the pigs are not for sale and they will not be honey-glazed hams.' It made me laugh.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Dear Friend,

Is it so wrong in life to be afraid?! Renee was over asking if I told Jason how I feel at Thanksgiving. She was all upset.

"You can't keep making excuses forever. You could be ready to tell him and it'll be too late - he's already married to someone else."

"It wasn't the right time," I said pitifully. "Even his grandma was there."

"Want my advice? Get him somewhere alone."

"Yeah, like where?"

"Take him fishing or something."

"That's not a perfect moment!"

"Nothing will be perfect until you make the first move."

"I'm scared, Renee. When his family first moved here, I thought, 'Gross. A boy.' I was eight. I had no idea I'd like him so fast. I can't risk us being a couple and then not have us even be friends." She didn't say anything, so I continued. "Renee, I might as well give him up. If he really felt the same way about me, what's he waiting for?"

She shrugged. "Maybe he's scared too."

I refused to believe it. "We've been friends for seven years. I'm not enough for him, okay? I'm not the one."

"God, Cassie, it's not like you're worthless. Men are clueless. This isn't Cinderella where fate intervenes. It's two-thousand-frickin'-four. Make the move."

"I can't waste my time on something that's not there."

She rolled her eyes. "Seriously? That's not what you want."

I took a deep breath. "Yes, it is."

Renee shook her head, disgusted. "I don't get you, Cassie. You go through all this trouble wishing him away from Lydia, and now that he's fair game you want to sit on the sidelines. Hope you enjoy moving on. It's better than watching you torture yourself." She grabbed her purse and walked out the door. Her ride was there to pick her up.

I shut the world away for a few hours, soaking my pillow with tears at one point.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Dear Friend,

Just being pleasant to be around is difficult now, because...well, you know. I don't really want to talk about it. I'm actually not taking this situation too well. I still laugh and smile, but people are beginning to notice I'm not the same. Even Jeremy said I sound like I lost a part of me. And I did. I lost a part of me that hopes.

Monday, November 29, 2004

Dear Friend,

I went to school in a funk. I glumly sat down at my desk and when Miss Burgess picked up on my mood, she asked me to join her in the hall.

"Are you sending me to the office?" I asked.

"No, Cassie, but I want to know why you aren't applying yourself when you have excellent grades," she responded. "What's troubling you? Problems at home?"

I sighed. "Miss Burgess, have you ever loved someone that didn't know how you felt?"

She nodded. "As a matter of fact, I have."

"What did you do?" I asked, wiping a tear. "What happened to him?"

She flashed me a grin. "We're engaged. I met him in college. He loved someone else at the time. Finally, two years later the blockhead came to his sense and asked me out. Never been happier."

I smiled weakly. "I wish my situation was that easy." I felt like I could trust Miss Burgess. Her eyes are warm and welcoming, so I caved and told her. "What if he never speaks to me again?"

"Is he that kind of guy?"

I paused. "I guess all he's ever wanted all along was the truth. I don't know if he'll be able to forgive me." I bit my lip. "What do you think I should do?"

"I think you know what you have to do, Cassie."

"I'm afraid of what he'll do."

Miss Burgess said something to me I'll always remember. "There are plenty of things in life you can't prevent, so you can't always blame yourself. Things happen for a reason, and how you use it shapes you as a person."

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Dear Friend,

I'm having a better day than yesterday. I went to Chloe's and we played with her new little piglet on her farm. It's so cute. She named it Ornery because it always runs into the fence. Chloe and I had a lot of fun talking. I was so wrong about her. I'll never jump to conclusions about people again.