The Fifteenth Year

October: Part 6

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Dear Friend,

I don't feel good. I'll write tomorrow. I'm sick and I'm lying down. I have a headache. Who knows? Maybe that lovesick heart is actually killing me.

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Dear Friend,

I'm feeling much better today. Well...on the headache, that is. Do you think I'll ever have the time and courage to tell Jason that he doesn't truly know me? Well, so far no perfect moments even exist in this stupid town!!! Unless I tell him the truth, he'll never find out. I fell for a guy with half a brain. Okay, maybe I'm overreacting a little. I have a right to be a little ticked. Hey...do you think I could tell Jason the truth over AOL?

Friday, October 22, 2004

Dear Friend,

I'm reading A Place To Call Home by Jackie French Koller. It's one of my favorite books, so I want to get back to it. But first: I saw Lydia in school today, and she seemed a little nervous. She was telling her friend Heather Marsh that something was struggling in her and Jason's relationship. I wonder what the problem is. Maybe Jason would like to talk about it. Nah, that'd be wrong. I won't bring it up.

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Dear Friend,

I have been writing in my diary for three months now. I can't believe it. I didn't think I'd last a week in this thing.

Anyway, Renee came over. We played some jokes on Jeremy. This kind of stuff doesn't last forever, so you want to do it while you still live in the same walls!

Sunday, October 24, 2004

Dear Friend,

Today Brendan and I went rollerblading then went home and had tacos for dinner. He told me things are going well with him and Charlotte and he's looking at apartment brochures. I don't want to think about him moving out. Especially lately. I'll really miss him.

Monday, October 25, 2004

Dear Friend,

Today Miss Burgess made us each write a poem for English and then read it in front of the class. Unfortunately, mine was last (Wallace is last alphabetically). Finally, Miss Burgess called on me and I went up and murmured, "My poem is called I'm Not."

Here's my poem.

I know I'm not the greatest catch. I know I'm probably not what you need.

I know I'm not the prettiest, and I know we don't always agree.

I know I'm not the most talented. I know I don't exactly make your world brand new.

I know I'm not the most calm, but I know that I love you.

I know I'm not the smartest. I know I'm not the most polite.

I know I'm not the example of ideal, but I love you with all my might.

I know I can't always make you happy. I know I'm not your type.

I know I'm just plain not ideal. But could we pretend I'm special tonight?

I looked up from my paper and the whole class applauded and Renee smiled knowingly. 

"Excellent poem, Cassie," Miss Burgess said. "It must've taken you hours to think up something like this. Did some of the ideas come from books?"

"No," I replied. "I happen to know an inspirational subject."

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Dear Friend,

Jason's birthday is coming up. I very badly want to tell him the truth, but I know that Lydia is going to be at the celebration and won't leave his side for a minute. He probably won't pay much attention to me with all his friends there. I can tell you right now that this perfect moment isn't going to come in the next two weeks. Heck, at this rate, it's not coming in the next two years.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Dear Friend, 

Jason and I walked around the neighborhood tonight, and then sat down on a curb to catch up.

"So you're coming to my birthday party, right?" he asked.

"I wouldn't miss it," I responded. "But I'm nervous."

"Why?"

"What if I make you look dumb in front of your friends and you hate the present I get you? Maybe I shouldn't go. I'll make a mockery of everything."

"What are you talking about? You have to come."

"But Jason - "

"Stop. We'll have fun. Koala, why do you think this party will tank if you're there?"

"I'm fifteen, Jason."

"So?"

"So your friends are seventeen. I don't want to embarrass you."

He laughed. "Oh, don't be dramatic. Koala, come on, be serious. Don't worry. I promise you won't embarrass me in front of my friends. You're just as cool as any of them. You'll always be my friend, and I'm sure whatever you got me, I'll love it."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

I was surprised by what happened next. He opened his arms for a hug, and I took it.

Thursday, October 28, 2004

Dear Friend,

I have to say that Jason's hug felt really good even though it didn't mean anything. I want to know if I'll be in his arms like that if I reveal my feelings, or pushed out of them. Not that this little matter is going to be his birthday present. My friends keep telling me it'll turn out as a happy ending and we'll be an awesome couple. But one, they are my friends and then wouldn't be friends if they didn't say that; and two, we may look cute together, but my life is no fairytale. It's not like I'll be Cinderella swept up in the arms of her beloved Prince Charming and get kissed and live happily ever after. That's not how it works. And for some reason, I keep imagining the princess as Lydia even though she's not right for him.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Dear Friend,

Tonight I had Chloe and Tessa over for a little sleepover. Renee wanted to come but she had to be somewhere. I even invited Harriet Stanley (that girl from my class), but she wanted to stay home. I guess I'm not her cup of tea. Anyway, the three of us played various games over girl talk and then turned in before 2am. We're really worn out from school.