Kiss me hard before you go (#Wattys2015)

CHAPTER 35 (I'm sorry)

“Don’t worry, everything’s all right. I’m marrying you, Andrei Marco Falcon. Don’t think about me leaving you. I never said I’d leave, right? Mahal nga kita eh. You have to deal with me, because I love you so much that I can’t live without it.” I touched his face. I felt the cold beads of sweat on his forehead at ramdam ko ang takot niya habang sinasabi sa akin ang lahat.

He’s crying because of this and I hate seeing him cry. I don’t want to see him cry. I want him happy and smiling kaya naman kailangan kong gawin ang mga bagay na makapagpapagaan ng pakiramdam niya. I want to assure him that he has me and I’ll never go.

“Really? I love you so much, Victoria. I’m… really afraid. I have sick issues in the head and I’m scared to mess you up. Baka iwanan mo ako ‘pag na-realize mo na hindi lang ‘to simpleng depression. I have addiction, Victoria; it is almost cured.”

“I never said anything about leaving, right? I love you so much. Let’s talk this out with your Psychologist. I’m willing to join you, ‘di ba mas maganda ‘yung tayong dalawa? It would be better kasi mas mahahanap natin ang root cause. I suffered depression as well noon sa US. I visit the councilor every Friday. We both have issues and we’ll deal with them all.” I reassuringly told him dahil nagsisimula na naman siyang magpanic and I hate seeing him this way.

He just smiled, pero iba ang ipinapakita niya sa aking mukha. His confidence façade faded away at takot ang nakikita ko. Alam kong hindi biro ang issues naming dalawa pero we need to face this. We have issues at hindi namin kayang kami lang ang reresolba. Kailangan namin ng tulong.

“Okay, pumunta tayo dun bukas. Please stay here… I need assurance na hindi ka aalis. I need you warm body against mine kasi natatakot ako Victoria. Pakiramdam ko mauulit ‘yung dati. Baka iwanan mo na naman ako.”  I hugged him and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Kailangan niya siguro ng assurance na nadito lang ako palagi. I smiled at him and he seems at ease now he’s against my skin.

“Don’t worry… I’ll stay so you have to stick with me. Ayokong wala ka din sa tabi ko. Sanay na ako nang nandyan ka, at kung iwanan mo ko baka hindi ko rin kayanin, Andrei.” He just hugged me really tight a humiga na kami. I felt my energy drained from all the drama and confession kaya naman mabilis din akong nakatulog.

“Promise me, kasi hindi ko na kaya kung iiwan mo ako ulit. Ang hirap, Victoria. The nightmare eat me up every night at pakiramdam ko sobrang sama kong tao because I badly hurt you and karma became a b*tch for making me realize na in love pala ako sa’yo.” I smiled at him and pulled him closer. I love him so much… so much I’d die for him.

The next day, napag-usapan naming dalawa bisitahin ang sinasabi niyang Psychologist na lagi niyang kinakausap. I want to know more about him and the progress of his condition. We inflicted pain to eacg other at hindi namin napansin kung gaano pala kalaki ang epekto namin sa isa’t-isa. This just shows how much we’re meant for each other. Our issues will be the source of our strength. I’ll make sure na hindi ko siya bibitawan katulad ng kinakatakot niya.

“So you must be the lovely Victoria, come and sit down. Pasensya na kung kailangan magkahiwalay ko kayong makausap. This thing we’re going to do is the vital part of his recovery. So  to begin with this , can you explain me why you suddenly left without notifying anyone from school and tell me how you felt.” Bigla akong nagulat sa deretsahang tanong ni Dr. Santos.

“I’m hurt, kaya ayokong na sanang malaman pa ng iba. I’m a private person and I’m raised to be a good woman kaya ayokong sabihin na may kasalanan si Andrei. I love him so much kaya nga okay lang kahit na nasaktan ako.” I finally said.

“We get hurt, at siguro dahil nga sa pure intentions mo eh you unconcsiouly caused a scar to him na sabihin na nating nagpa-iba sa kanya. I first thought dati na baka dahil lang narcissistic siya, pero hindi eh. I felt a deeper cause for his actions.” He said.