Kiss me hard before you go (#Wattys2015)

CHAPTER 34 (Tell me more)

“….Naging ganun ako dahil sayo. You confused every fober in me back then. You became the center of my emotions. I hatd, loved, missed, longed, despised, and needed you. You did that to me, and that’s what the Psychologist told me.” He said, while I’m trying to gasp for air. It’s because of me? At bakit ako? May kasalanan ako.

Is it really my fault? I looked down while tears are falling from my eyes, natatakot ako kung ano pa ba ang dapat kong malaman. Did I do that much damage in his life? Paano naman nangyari ‘yun? How did everything happen? I need to know, fresh and hot right now.

“You made me used to all your cooking and attention kaya pakiramdam ko dapat nadyan ka lang palagi. I loved the way you confess your love towards me na para bang dapat kong naririnig sa araw-araw. I thought, na kahit niliigawan ko si Marian eh dapat nandyan ka lang. I thought dapat nandyan ka lang, kasi lagi mong dala ang muffins na favorite ko, at lagi kang nadyan to assure me that you love me. Sabi ng Psychologist, I longed for you too much that I hated you because I had the wrong reasons for hating you. Akala ko nagagalit ako dahil sa ginawa mong pasasabi ng feeling ni Marian kay Robert, pero hindi pala. Nagalit ako kasi pakiramdam ko, tinapon mo ‘yung assurance mo na mahal mo ako. Sabin g Psychologist na I unconsciously loved and needed you.”

“I-I’m sorry… Andrei. Pakiramdam ko I made too much damage.” Hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-iyak ko. Iyak na lang ako ng iyak at para bang may bumabara sa dibdib ko na hindi ko maalis. Pakiramdam ko I ruined a life. Pakiramdam ko hindi pala naging sapat ang pagmamahal k okay Andrei. Kulang nga ba ang nabigay ko?

“No, Vickie. Walang kulang sa binigay mo and you didn’t do any damage. I was in denial of my feelings towards you, kaya nga nagalit ako sayo. I was so damned that time, kaya umalis ka. It was my fault kaya ka umalis. Masyado lang talaga mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. I used rough sex as an outlet para makapanakit ng babae to satisfy myself kasi… wala ka. I long for you way back them too much na ikaw lang palagi ang panaginip ko.”

“Y-you dream of me, Andrei? I really thought… you hated me to the bones. I thought you despise me too much. I thought… I’m the only one hurting, ikaw rin pala.” I held his hand. I need to assure him of my love this time, kung kinulang man ako noon. Pakiramdam ko kasi kailangan ko ‘tong gawin, or else baka tuluyan na naman siyang makaramdam ng kakulangan.

“Yes… I was hurting too and wala akong pakialam who felt more. Basta, I need you. Don’t leave me, kasi hindi ko na alam kung ano ang gagawin ko kung iiwanan mo ulit ako. Araw-araw, iniisip ko kung pa’no na lang at nawala ka? Eh ‘di mas nahigitan ko pa kung ano ako dati. I was never satisfied kahit mayaman, maganda o matalino man ang babae kasi hindi naman ikaw ‘yun eh.”

Tears just continued to flow from my eyes, basta alam ko dapat maramdaman niyang nandito lang ako. Pakiramdam ko malaki ang naging kasalanan ko. Ang daming ‘What if’s’ ngayon sa isipan ko. What ig I never told Robert her feelings, since she never liked Andrei back then na siguradong hindi magiging sila? What if I stayed and I faced his fury? What if noon pa lang naging kami na? Magiging maayos kaya kami?

“I love you so much, Andrei. Pakiramdam ko nagkulang ako. Please, let’s not leave each other again? Hindi natin pareho kakayanin kung mawala ang isa. I love you and you love me, so fvcking marry now or else hindi natin ‘to kakayanin.”

I hugged him and I felt him do the same. I felt his tears on my bare shoulder and it just showed how scared he was. He was so scared that I felt his hands tremble in fear earlier.

“You were sick, and that’s because of me. I can’t… picture you facing your demons because I confused you. I did break you, and I hate myself for that. It’s still my fault.” He placed his hand over my face. Tara, sa condo tayo magdrama. Please, naiiyak ako Vickie. ‘Di tayo dito pwede eh. Ang dami ko pang ike-kwento sayo. I want to give you my honesty.”