Unpredictable | Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood. (Cake/5SOS)

Chapter 60

*Calum's POV*

June 18, 2014

Six months. It's been six months since they arrested Michael, Charlie, and Tyler. It's been six months since I was sexually assaulted unwillingly by a man I once swore to love, a man I thought I could trust, and a man I despised more than anything I've ever come across on my now eighteen years of living on this earth.

But it hasn't just been six months of remembering pain, suffering, sorrow and confusion, not even close, because none of those words could ever be used to describe the last six months of my life especially with my beautiful boyfriend present in it.

It's been six months. Six months of glorious recovery with the one man I can actually call my all, the one who was willingly able to break past his comfort zone to back up my truthful plead to the cops, the man who saved me that one night many months ago. Luke.

Suddenly, you begin to realize who's really there for you when you need them the most in your life during time of tragic loss.

The last six months of my life was a loss, not of another significant to me, but myself. I lost myself internally and no one's stood by me more than he has in times of such great loss.

Slowly but surely, I was brought back. There was a time when I was more than petrified to leave Luke's side, the comfort of my room, or even my parents' supervision those many months ago, but some how, some way, I've overcome that. I've overcome it all to the point where I feel like it's okay not to be okay. To the point where I no longer have to beat and blame myself for the happenings of that one night many months ago because for a long time, that's all I ever did.

It was a pity. I was a pity. All I ever did was look down at myself and everything around me. I had such a negative outlook on life. I'm still unsure how Luke stayed and actually dealt with me in such a state, but I couldn't be more happier he made the decision I made months ago in the beginning of our dramatic friendship way before a relationship was even a possibility for us, to stay. All I ever needed was him to stay and he did, through it all.

All those months ago, I had one thing in mind which was desperately to search within in me for the Calum I was before that night, the Calum I thought was me, the Calum I thought I needed to be to get out of this funk, the Calum I thought had to be present in order for Luke to stay by my side. Turns out, I had it wrong the whole entire time.

Luke loved me for me when I couldn't love me for me, when I couldn't even figure out who I was at the moment with everything being blurred with nothing but that night's happenings devouring my thoughts whole.

Then, I realized it was never about finding myself within the last few months because that isn't what life's about. It was always about creating myself into the person I wanted to be, the person I felt comfortable being, not the person I needed to be in order to keep a boy, not a person I desperately wished to have been to keep my family from worrying about me, but me. I had to be myself, not some idea of what I thought somebody's else idea of myself should've been during recovery because none of anyone's thoughts were me. I had to create me and within the last couple of months, I did just that.

And for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so foreign to myself which was one of the best feelings I had felt in months, myself and knowing myself because along the way of the trio's sexually abusive action, I lost myself and with every ending day, I thought I'd never get it back. I thought I'd never find myself. I never did and I most likely never will because I'm not the Calum I once was. I'm myself now. As of today, I'm comfortable with whom I've became, what I overcomed in the last couple months and that's all I could ever ask of myself.

Along the way, I've had assistance from my family, my parents especially.

Because soon afterward, it got around about what had happened. My mother was released from the hospital just a week before her set time. She couldn't stomach the thought of her child hurting and demanded to be released as soon as possible, which even my dad's are still in shock she convinced the doctors to agree, but once she came out of hospitalization, I had a decision to make despite either of them failing to tell me. I knew I did though. I always knew I had to choose between the two but I never did really did because I never really could've.