Unpredictable | Luke Hemmings & Calum Hood. (Cake/5SOS)

Chapter 58

(A/N~ So since this is really really long and I ended up putting more than I anticipated in it, their's only two chapters left and a Epilogue. *cries because I know you all hate me but I love you all a lot*

I never really do this but you should Listen to, Little do you know by Alex and Sierra and Say something on loop while reading because it makes me seem deep throughout some of it. Okay, enjoy, and you'll actually see and update sooner than you think :) )

Staring up into Calum's eyes, I shut mine, taking deep breaths in and trying to find a starting point within my mind, trying to find the beginning of the domino effect within me that's made me who I am today.

My lips go dry and for a moment, I just sit there on the ground, looking up at his emotionless face, with a loss for words. I know what I want to tell him. I know what I need to tell him, but for me to finally tell him is a completely different concept that I still haven't had enough time to grasp.

"I just want the truth," Calum begs, snapping me out of my almost hypnotic trance.

"Everything Michael and I have ever told you is a lie. Everything people know of us, and about us is a lie," I start off, knowing exactly where I'm starting from. "Don't interrupt me because once I start, I don't intend on stopping until I've told you everything," I tell him and he nods.

"I've always known I was gay. Since I was little boy in preschool, I've always known. Ashton was the first guy I ever liked. I'd always get jealous when he shared his ninja turtles with other boys and spent his free time with them right before nap time. I would even make sure my mom bought me the real big pack of 96 crayons with the sharpener in the back just to impress him whenever we took out our things for arts and crafts. My family, they found it weird, odd, strange even, but they knew I was gay, although I think for their own personal sake, they tried to ignore the fact. We all did, especially when I got older."

My family always went on about me finding happiness with a girl, building a future with a girl, a house, a home and a child, all with a girl. Growing up, I never wanted to disappoint them. I'd get flustered just at the thought of my mother yelling at me for doing something wrong, so I grew up under the influence of liking girls because that's what was right. That's what was expected of me."

And for so long, I pushed away my feelings. I pushed away the thought of it until Michael and I in the beginning of 8th grade year."

I was a total dick at times. That part of what I told you is true. I couldn't ever be who I really wanted to be and the thought upset me, depressed me, to the point where I was going through girls faster than an 8th grader ever should."

Every time I was with a girl, it felt wrong and disgusting. I was disgusted with myself, and after one girl, I just stopped."

"Did you lie about the way you came out to me?" he whispers, staring at the cuts on his wrist and causing my stomach to churn at the thought of what's happened tonight.

I don't want to continue. I just want to hold him tight and whisper into his ear that everything's going to be okay, that he's going to be okay. I don't need him to resent me after this for lying to him the whole time. I don't need him being disgusted or resenting me, because I don't know if I could ever take that, not again, not ever again, especially from him.

"Please continue," he begs lightly.

"I didn't lie to you about how I came out. I was caught with Michael and forced out the closet face first at the worst possible time, toward the end of 8th grade year, June time, but we aren't at that part yet. There's still so much that leads to that," I tell him and he nods again, allowing me to continue talking. "The last girl I was with, she was my friend. She's one of my best friends still is to this very day and I don't know what possessed us to do what we did, but we did it. We convinced each other we needed someone, we needed to feel needed, we needed to feel wanted, so for one night, we provided each other with what we thought we needed in the worst possible way."