You make me ache

Ch40: Relentless longing and Gentle tears.

Tyler's POV.

Despite it only being a little gone ten o'clock, the night feels much later. The day that I had dreamt about, that I had planned to be perfect, had slowly turned into a nightmare as darkness fell. Now the days swirling memories of sweet kisses, lazy laughs and bitter tears are spinning in my head, creating a fiery whirlwind of mixed emotion. My head throbs and my drained body aches with exhaustion. It seems impossible that our intimate lustful morning and loved up, blissful afternoon was only earlier today. The torturous night has burnt away the loving haze and the angry flames are scorching my heart and head. Korey's speculating words have added to Troye's confusing ones and I am left lying on my friends unravelling sofa, wondering how I too have not come undone.

Suddenly the vibration of my phone douses the angered flames and coats my confusion in a sheath of hope. As I read the new text message, I am glad to find that it is Zoe. After calling her almost an hour ago, she had promised me that she would check on Troye and her text confirms that he is safe at our shared apartment, however she goes on to say that he is also hurting and this gives new life to the fire inside me. The idea of Troye being scorched by the same flames that flicker against my heart sickens me and I instinctively feel the need to find him and collect him into my arms. I know that us hurting is inevitable right now, but I am no longer willing to allow us to hurt alone.

After folding up Korey's spare blanket, I carry it to his bedroom and gently knock on the panelled door. He calls my name beckoning me to enter and I find him sprawled across his bed happily staring at his laptop screen. I perch on the edge of the mattress, placing the folded blanket beside me.

"I think I'm going to go home. I know I said I was going to stay here but-" I begin to say before Korey interrupts,

"It's okay Ty. You don't have to explain. Plus remember you've got a key to this place still. Don't be afraid of using it again later if you need to" he reminds me and in response I give him a weak smile.

"Thanks Korey- really... I know it can't have been easy for you to say those things about Troye being too young earlier and I appreciate it".

"Look, I could be wrong. Remember it's just my opinion. Neither of us have any way of knowing what Troye is thinking right now"

"I know, but you're also sort of right. I had been so focused on the issue of long distance, that I had completely disregarded my early fear of our age difference" I say, my voice swamped with a reluctant acceptance.

"Just be careful. Know what you want to say and think things through before you blurt them out. Troye might not be ready for marriage, but are you ready for life without Troye?" he asks me gently, and I know that his question is designed to probe my thoughts rather than demand an answer.

"I know and I'm not ready to talk about it yet" I say running my hand through my tousled hair, "I just need to see him". Korey gives me a sympathetic smile and reminds me once more that I can use his key, or call him anytime during the night. For a brief moment I give him a genuine smile, entirely grateful for my understanding and generous friend, but it is not long before the scorching flames inside me expulse and take my smile with them. With this I say goodnight and leave Korey's apartment to begin the short walk back to mine and Troye's home.

Even hours after sunset, the summer night is warm, but there is also a gentle breeze that feels crisp on my sun-kissed skin, and as I walk through the near empty streets the fresh air begins to dim my angry flames.  Taking deep breathes as I walk, my headache begins to fall away and although I am still hurting, my stretching exhaustion is contributing to dimming the nagging pain that has contorted my thoughts. However the image of Troye's pained expression at the tree I had carved my proposal, keeps trying to sink into my pores and drown my body in its sorrow. In a bid to repel the anguished memory, I keep my tired eyes fixed on the road ahead, drinking in the dirty, dusty pavement and the tall palm trees above me.