You make me ache

Ch28: Open when's and Voicemail.

 Tyler's POV.

Just before I start lighting the bathroom candles, a loud bang makes me still and I cock my head, listening for sounds of Troye in the apartment. I call out his name but receive no answer. I blow out the flickering match and as the smoke trails me, I wander through to the living room to look for him. My shoulders fall as I realise that the loud bang was the front door closing and that Troye has left for the shop without saying goodbye or giving me a kiss. I immediately slump down onto the sofa and text him, complaining about his sudden departure. His response comes quickly and as I read his instruction to look in the bedroom, curiosity fills me.

As soon as I enter the bedroom, a fluttery thrill fills my stomach. A small note is resting on my pillow, waiting for me to read it. I take the note into my hands and already I know that it is a last minute decision of Troye's; the paper is lined and likely from a notebook unlike his previous notes. I finger the folded paper and read the title, knowing the first two words before my eyes even take them in: 'For when I don't say goodbye'. A combination of excitement and nostalgia fill my body and already I have forgiven Troye's absent kiss. I take in a deep breath as I unfold the note, eager to find what his messy scribble has left for me. Reading his note, my face bursts into a wide smile. 'Know that I will never say goodbye to us.' is etched onto the paper and the insecurity that has followed me around since Troye ignored my marriage comment this morning disappears. I shake my head at myself, internally scolding the part of me that had worried for our relationship. I feel light and free as I realise that Troye wants this relationship to last as long as I do- Troye wants this relationship to be never ending.

I return to the bathroom and sit on the each of the tub as I turn on the hot tap. Troye's note is safely stored away in my suitcase but his words continue to play in my head. I haven't stopped smiling since reading his written commitment to our relationship and I cannot wait for him to return to the apartment so that I can show him my gratification. I am eager to lock my eyes with his, to trail my fingers along his supple body and show him how much I love him. His note has filled me with a rush of intense emotions and the small, simple words 'for when' has me reminiscing.

My mind falls back to the day that I had first told Troye that I was in love with him. I had returned home from the airport where I confessed my love, feeling confused and hurt. I had expected to feel a variety of intense emotions, euphoria, excitement, perhaps relief but I hadn't expected to feel broken. I remember heading straight into my bedroom and burying myself in my huge bed. I had pulled the covers over my head in an attempt to block out the light that streamed through my window; it was only the late afternoon but all I had wanted to do was sleep. My heart ached as it tried to comprehend what had just happened, and my brain throbbed as Troye's response played on repeat. I had been unable to turn his reply into anything positive- how could someone reply with 'I have to go' to someone saying 'I love you'? I had even extended my declaration by adding "I am so undoubtedly in love with you" and that knowledge had taken away the option of fooling myself into believing that he hadn't heard my heartfelt words. Buried in my duvet, I was unable to stop torturing myself with Troye's uncommitted response.

I had tried to surrender my body to sleep in the hope of silencing the questions that fought amongst each other in my head, but their volume was turned up too high and I remained awake and anxious. I was terrified that I had ruined things and scared Troye away, and I was just as fearful that his feelings for me were shallow- perhaps we were just best friends with sexual chemistry. I worried that Troye felt no romance towards me but the sound of my phone beeping from my trouser pocket gave me a sliver of hope. I had quickly opened up the new text message and upon seeing Troye's name I had taken a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for what his words would be. My body crumpled with relief as I took in his words -'It's only you. I'll only ever want you'. Tears fought their way from my eyes and my body flushed with heat. I had needed to remove my glasses as I sobbed heavily into the pillow that smelt just like my gorgeous Troye. His text had calmed my worries and I had realised that although Troye may not have been in love with me, he cared for me deeply and that our relationship meant a great deal to him.