A life of Payne (1D/5SOS) *HEAVEY EDITING*

Amazingly Beautiful.

Katie's POV

I love you

Those are the three words I worked hard to never hear in my life.

For years I've been convinced that those were the words that will ruin just about anything and everything.

They were a curse when it came to me.

My parents use to say it to me all the time until my sisters came along then they never, and I mean never told me again. I thought I had done something wrong until I found out it was because they cared about their real children more then me. They told me they loved me right before I left for London but I couldn't hear any emotion in their voices.

Vinny told me he loved me when we were together in high school but took it back only days later when the whole school find out that I was still a virgin, people thought it was strange that I was one of the popular girls and hadn't slept with the whole rugby team yet. He started to tell people that he was only dating me out of pity so I dumped him. We worked things out a year later but neither of us brought up the whole 'love' thing, almost like it was bad mojo just to talk about it.

The only other boy I was ever serious about in high school said that he loved me but then slept with one of my close friends the next day. It's safe to say I never regained the friendship between him or her but I did ask him if he meant what he said when he told me he loved me and his answer was no. He only said it to try and get laid which didn't work so he cheated.

Overall the words don't bring happiness to me.

"Please say something Katie." Calum placed his hand over mine that was still gently resting on his torso.

I reluctantly pulled away from the embrace and sat up next to him again.

"You..." I struggled to find find my voice as I looked down into his eyes while he laid there reaching out for my hand.

"You can't love me." He squeezed my hand making me let out a strained laugh mixed with a sob.

"And why can't I baby?" His voice was quiet but he didn't seem upset by my words, I think I was the only one upset here.

"Because I'm a screw up Calum. I ruin everything good in my life and I don't even know how to love someone." He sat up rather fast after I said that and pulled me on his lap so I was straddling him.

"You're not a screw up Katie." I let my tears fall as I looked down at my hands not having the strength or guts to look into his eyes.

"Yes I am." I half laughed and sobbed at the same time, still not looking up at him.

"You couldn't even tell if I wanted you or Niall until I pretty much spelled it out. I probably suck in bed because I have no idea what I'm doing but I wanted to be with you and knew if I waited to much longer then you wouldn't be into me anymore. And lets not forget that you pratically saved me on the airplane to America and then again when we came to Australia because I can barely look after myself."

I looked into his eyes to see them filled with tears just like mine.

"How can you love someone who is indecisive, unexperenced and can barely hack it in the real world. I'm just a screw up."

Calum pulled me closer to him and captured my lips with his. I couldn't believe after everything I just said that he still wanted to kiss me.

It felt like pity, I didn't like the way his lips tasted right now. I wriggled my way out of Calum's grip but I didn't want to feel cold or lonely so I sat right in front of him.