Sad Supernatural Imagines

#99 Cas - You Weren't Supposed To Know

Request by @Lexie_Stadelman. I hope this was what you asked for!

You and Cas are best friends. Sam and Dean are like your brothers.

Triggering! Do not read if you get triggered easily. You have been warned. Plus, this will be long.

Y/N p.o.v:

You looked down at your arms with tears. You couldn't help it. It was your only way to numb the pain of your parents death. The scars were visible and so were the newer cuts. You pulled down your sleeve and plastered on a fake smile. You walked out of your room and to the library. You saw Sam sitting down on the couch with his nose in a book. You had known the Winchesters for years. Sam was a gigantic moose who was as soft and cuddle as a teddy bear, yet, he could be the scariest fucking thing ever. Dean was a little squirrel who pretended to act all tough, but when it came to you, he was as sweet as candy.
"Hey, Sammy! Whatcha doing?" You asked. Sam looked up at you with a smile.
"Just reading." He responded. You made a weird face.
"You read? For fun?" You asked. Sam rolled his eyes and chuckled. He sat up and stretched, his perfectly tanned stomach showing just a little. You thought of him as your big brother, same with Dean. Sam looked back up at you with a wide smile, teeth showing and all.
"Is there a problem with that?" He asked. You gagged.
"Uh, yeah! It's boring. How can you stand just sitting there and reading?! It's a monstrosity!" You exclaimed. Sam laughed. One of those full blow head thrown back laughs. You forced a giggle.
"You're such a nerd, Sam." You said. Sam shrugged. Then, Dean walked in.
"What's going on in here?" Dean asked with a laugh. You just fake a smile and shake your head.
"Nothing, Dean." You reply. He rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, right. Anyway, I found a hunt. Y/N, you'll have to stay back. It's way too dangerous and I don't want you to get hurt." Dean said. You frown. He always said that. They used to bring you on hunts no matter how dangerous. But there was this one time where you almost got killed and ever since then, unless it was a ghost hunt, they hardly ever let you join them. If it was absolutely needed and Cas wasn't available, you had to come along, but even then you weren't allowed to do much. You get why, but it was one time. You can take care of yourself.
"It was one time, Dean!" You yell. Dean kept his cool, but glared.
"I don't care. It's too risky." He said. You growled.
"I can take care of myself, asshat! You need to stop leaving me behind. It's stupid! When it comes to Sam, you still let him come." You said. Dean rolled his eyes.
"You're different. You kind of hold us back, Y/N." Dean said. Your anger flared and tears welded up. You did not hold them back. You stayed out of their fucking way. You turned away and ran to your room.
"Shit, Y/N!" Dean yelled. You heard him running after you, but you were faster than him. You made it to your room and slammed the door shut, locking it. Tears finally cascaded down your cheeks. He really thought that, didn't he? You were a burden. You were worthless. You gritted your teeth and shut your eyes tightly. Your hands turned into fists and your nails bit into your palms.
'You're fine. You're fine. You're fine.' You chanted in your head. You heard Dean yelling and beating on your door.
"Y/N! Open the door! Please!" He yelled. You could hardly hear him over the raging thoughts in your head. His words repeating themselves in your fucked up head.
'You're different. You kind of hold us back, Y/N.' You opened your eyes and you hands. You looked down at them and saw blood very slowly come out of the indents of your nails. You collapsed to the ground, shaking. You couldn't breathe.
"I'm sorry, Y/N." Dean said softly. You curled into a ball with tears still falling down your face. You tried to cry out. You heard him walk away and then some talking. Suddenly, the bunker door closed. That probably meant they left. Wow. They won't even try to comfort you. They'd probably send Cas over. You got up and grabbed a marker. You drew Angel sigils all over your room. Ones Crowley use all the time. You still had tears down your face. Once you finished, you dropped the marker and sat on your bed. You took deep breaths. They were trembling breaths, but at least you could breathe now. You looked over to your makeup bag. You had hidden your small blades in a black lipstick container. A place Sam, Dean, or Cas would never look. You walked over to it and grabbed the tube. You opened it and grabbed one of your few blades. You slid down the wall and pulled up your sleeves. The tears were still spilling, but you didn't care. You pressed the cold blade to your scarred and cut up wrist. You slid it across in one swift motion. It stung, but nothing you couldn't handle. Blood seeped through and dripped on to the floor and your leg. Some got on your shirt. You let out a sigh of relief. You continued to keep making up your wrist, even taking a turn on your other wrist. You also cut your forearm. You couldn't stop. You started to get lightheaded. You dropped the blade and there was a slight ringing in your ears. You looked at your arms and watched as they made pools of blood. You didn't notice the banging on your door till now.
"Y/N!" A grave voice yelled. It was Cas. But there was more than one voice. Were Sam and Dean back? Suddenly, you saw all of the sigils you made glow and burn. Then, your door flew to the wall. You closed your eyes. You wanted death to hurry up and come. You felt yourself fall softly to the ground and were now laying down on your left side. You heard gasps and heavy boots running towards you. You felt a pair of arms lift you up and the scent of honey and a hint of the woods filled your nose.
"You weren't supposed to know. N-none of you were. Please, Cas. Don't heal me." You whispered. You heard him crying. You also heard Sam and Dean choking back sobs.
"If I don't, you'll die. Y/N, look at me. Look at me!" Cas cried. You slowly opened your eyes. Dots were dancing in your vision.
"That's the whole point, Angel." You said with a smile. You lifted your hand up and wiped his tears away. You didn't realize the pain you were in until now, but it was okay. You deserved it. Cas shook his head. He grabbed your arm and hovered his hand over your wounds. You watched at the disappeared along with your scars. You winced as he grabbed the other. He healed those too before looking at you. You were a mess, inside and outside.
"Why didn't you come to me? Or Sam and Dean? We-" You interrupted him.
"'You're different. You kind of hold us back, Y/N.'" You quoted. Cas tilted his head before looking back at Sam and Dean. He saw their guilt expressions.
"I'm a burden. I hold you guys back. I'm worthless. You guys proved that to me." You said quietly. You smiled at them. Sam and Dean's faces showed hurt, pain.
"We didn't mean it like that, Y/N." Sam said, his voice breaking. You just smiled.
"You said that to her?" Cas asked. He was trying to keep calm. Dean nodded.
"I was angry. I didn't want- The hunt was dangerous! I don't have any excuses. What I did- If I had let her come, maybe this wouldn't have happened." Dean said. He was blaming himself. You shook your head.
"I've been doing this far longer than I've known you or Sam, Dean. Longer than I've known Cas." You said. Dean stared at you. So did Sam and Cas.
"This has been something- Y/N..." Cas said. You sighed and stood up.
"I'm taking a shower. We can talk about it later, I guess." You said. You grabbed a pair of clothes and went into the bathroom. The tears that threatened to spill, finally did. They ran down your cheeks like a waterfall. You didn't want them to find out. You wanted them to forget about it.
"Y/N, do not do anything stupid. I will come in there and make sure-" You interrupted Cas.
"Cas, no! God, there is a thing called privacy. I don't think you understand that you coming in here is crossing so many boundaries and I'm sure Sam and Dean would mind that a lot!" You yelled. You heard murmuring and then someone clear their throat.
"If it would stop you from hurting yourself even more, Dean and I don't have a problem with it all that much." Sam said. You groaned. You started to undress and then hopped into the shower.