Just Live For Me

Shut The F*ck Up And Laugh Away The Pain

October 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake got home from the hospital yesterday J His nose is broken, he has three broken fingers, and two fractured ribs, but I think that he’s going to be all right. He’s strong, and lets be honest; he’s faced worse. It’s sad to say, but it’s true… for him… pain is an every day occurrence… now it’s just in a different form… He seems happy though. When he got home his mom reluctantly let me visit him. He was lying in bed with a brace around his ribcage, and a few bandages on his fingers (and pants of course). Other than that he was completely open… He didn’t even bother to try to hide his wrists… he knew I’d seen them…

         He forgot that he wasn’t allowed to walk for a few days and tried to get up and hug me as soon as I walked into his room. It didn’t take him long to remember though (as soon as he got up he flinched and fell back onto his bed). He was embarrassed and I could tell, but he was mostly just happy to see me. He stroked the side of my face and kissed me (I’d missed that). It was nice. I’d forgotten how nice it felt to be loved so much by him. I sat next to him on his bed, while he messed with my hair and told me how beautiful I was. He’s so sweet J Even though I could tell it killed to move his arms or even sit up; he sat up straight and never complained once. I think that he forgets that I want to help him deal with his pain not cover it up (his mom is rubbing off on him I guess).

         Jake keeps trying to explain why he ran away. I don’t really care why he says he ran away though. I know why, and no matter how many times he tries to blame himself for it, I will always know it was because of me. Instead I told him to talk about what he DID when he was gone. He drove a lot. He drove by where he lost Helen, and sat where the car crashed. He told me how he remembers every little detain from that day; where the sun was I the sky, what song was on the radio, how many times she fixed her hair… but when he got there… all he could remember was her voice when she was asking for help. It repeats in his mind every day constantly, but that day it was… different. He says it was sweeter like she knew she was going to die. He says he thinks she forgives him, and that she knows it was never his fault… But he doesn’t. He still blames himself. I don’t know how to make him not though, because if he truly believes that Helen was telling him that she forgive him and STILL he doesn’t… I don’t think there is anything that could make him forgive himself.

         But he sat there with an adorable smile the whole time, and kissed me just like he always did… It was like he was completely desensitized when I was there… l felt terrible to leave, because as soon as I left… he would have no reason to hold back his pain anymore… and there would be no one there to help…

October 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Today when I tried to go see Jake, his mom wouldn’t let me in… she told me to “Let Jake have a moment of peace.” And to “ Let him heal.” Who the hell does she think she is!? Just because she’s beginning to become a ‘better mom’ doesn’t mean she knows what’s best! For your information Jake was the one who invited me over! Jake was the one who told me he missed me and wanted to see me! So before she starts freaking out at me, maybe that bitch should try thinking about what her son wants! I know I’m ranting and that she’s probably just under a lot of stress with Jake and his therapy, but still I think I’m entitled to have a blow-off of steam once in a while! I mean come on; Jake’s fucking trapped in his house being driven back and forth from therapist to therapist while wearing a brace in his ribs and a bandage on his nose! I’m freaking out okay!? I’m worried! So shut the fuck up and let me be angry! All I wanted was to see my fucking boyfriend for five fucking minutes before his mom hauled his sick, broken ass off to another doctor, or physical therapist, or wherever the hell he was going!

WOOOOAAAAHHHH! Haha! I was pissed before XD I probably shouldn’t be laughing right now, but what else can I do ‘ya know? When life is shit you just have to laugh it away. It will all get better in the end J