Just Live For Me

This Cruel World... I'll Fight Through It

November 3, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Today Jake’s mom showed up at my door. Jake wasn’t with her, but I could see he was in the car (he looked so hurt it made me want to run over and take away his pain)… She told my parents that if I was ever seen with Jake again, she’d call the police… I get it… I fucked up, but this… this is just cruel… first she thanks me for bringing him joy then after one mistake… she completely cuts me off…

November 4, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I don’t know how long I can ignore Casey and Rachel… I also don’t know how long Jake can ignore me… It’s going to kill me at school tomorrow… being grounded is one thing, but losing everything is another…

November 5, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Today I heard the best and worst news. The fact that Jake is going back to school tomorrow. Yes I am dying of excitement to get to see him in school every day, but we aren’t allowed to act like a couple! It will be so awkward. I told Casey that we broke up today, and to make maters worse she told Rachel and she told Matt. Then Matt told Brandon and now everyone seems to know! God know how Kevin will react when he sees Jake… Ah this is so annoying!

November 7, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake and I didn’t talk at all today. It was horrible. He didn’t even recognize my existence… He walked right past me in the hallway, and at lunch, I couldn’t find him anywhere. I know our parents don’t want us together, but he doesn’t have to cut me off completely. I thought I was his life? I thought he’d do anything for me… yet when it actually comes down to it… he seemed more than happy to have me disappear from his life… Maybe it’s for the best… in the end someone was bound to get hurt. I guess I’m glad that it’s me and not him for once. For all I know he’ll be better off without me.

         I take back what I said before J I take it all back! Jake loves me! He needs me! He showed up at my house again tonight, but not like he usually did. He knocked on my window at like 11:30. I wasn’t really sure if I should let him in, but I don’t know I just can’t turn away Jake. He climbed in and immediately kissed my forehead and held me tight. I had to fight back tears. Not because I was sad, but because earlier today I was so prepared to lose him for good. The fact that I was held in his arms again didn’t feel real. I buried my head into his chest and held him just as tight. I didn’t want to ever let go. Then he asked a question that I thought he’d never need to ask. He asked me if I loved him. Of course I love him, and I told him that right away. He wasn’t convinced. He asked me how much I loved him, and I said with all of my heart forever and ever. When he didn’t look at me in the eyes I had to ask something that I thought I’d never have to ask. Did he love me? His response “ I don’t just love you, I’m in love with you and I have been since the day you went to my house and I was high (guess he did remember that). I’m just afraid… I’m afraid that I’m going to lose you. You know I say I’d do anything for you, but honestly if I truly meant that… I would never have cut myself, or slit my wrist, or ran away… I certainly wouldn’t have gotten drunk and been and idiot on Halloween…” I didn’t know anything that I could say to convince him that I would love him forever, so I just looked him in the eyes… His beautiful, blue-gray eyes, and kissed him. A real kiss that I knew would mean something. And it did J He smiled his adorable smile, wiped away a tear that had escaped my eyes, and kissed me back. It was amazing. The best moment in a long time. I know I’d had my doubt about us. I’ll admit I thought it was over, but that moment… it made me remember how strong our love is. It gave me strength to fight through any challenges that comes our way. Love is never easy, but it is sure as hell worth the battle J

         He and I stayed awake together until 3 a.m., but even he agreed that him staying over wasn’t the best idea (the last thing we needed was my parents finding us together). I helped him out the window and watched him run down the street and into the night (I still can’t believe he walked) There’s no way I’m getting any sleep tonight though. I’m too excited to see him again tomorrow J