Just Live For Me

The Bridge

November 26, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Remember how Jake said he needed my help? Well… I finally found out why… For two days possibilities had been going through my head and I had to stop myself at 100 because I was going to go insane. When time came for me to go to school I was really beginning to worry about Jake. He still hadn’t texted my back. I was about to drive to school, when I got a text. It was from Jake and he was telling me to meet him at the bridge a short way from school. Well… not really a short way, but not really far away. Still, I had no idea why he wanted me to meet him there. However, at the time all I cared about was seeing Jake and I’m still so thankful I followed my gut.

         It took me twenty minutes to get to the bridge and I soon found Jake relaxed on a rock beneath it. His feet were nearly grazing the slow moving river only a few feet away from him. When he saw me his blue-gray eyes that I’ve grown to love more and more instinctively brightened. Not two seconds later I was engulfed in a hug with his arms around my waist. I attempted to get on my tiptoes to kiss him, but slipped and nearly fell into the cold river. Before I could fall to far back, Jake tightened his grip in my waist and hoisted me into his arm bridal style allowing me to kiss his soft lips properly (I felt like a princess J). His arms were stronger than they were a few weeks ago and I could tell that he’d nearly returned to his normal weight. I took advantage of my current position to kiss him once more then bury my head into his warm chest to shield myself from the brisk wind. He carried me over to a large rock and set me down like I was made of glass. I invited him to sit down beside me, but he refused. I could tell he was uneasy.

         I walked over to his position near the end of the rocks and along the edge of the river. I hugged him from behind, but he soon turned around for my arms to return to the familiar spot around his neck and his once again around my waist. He cupped my head in his warm hands and brushed away a few stray hairs that had made their way onto my face from the wind. His eyes were so sad and pained, yet I still found myself getting lost in them. I stared into his blue-gray eyes for what seemed like hours, but I’m sure was only a few seconds until a strong wind forced it’s way between us. I instinctively moved closer to Jake for comfort, but as I tried to hold him tighter he took my arms off of him. In a way… he was colder than the wind. He was trying to force himself away from me.

         I asked him what was going on just as my eyes began to fill with tears that I’d though had run out. Then he spoke in a voice I’d missed so much… joy. Ignoring my question he began to tell me how much he was improving. How he’d returned to nearly a normal weight, how his old scars were nearly gone, how his nightmares of the night Helen died were occurring less. For a moment I thought things were looking up… but then he told me why he needed my help the other day… On Thanksgiving, his mom (Yes, the overprotective bitch) told him that they were going to be moving to California… She thinks that he needs a ‘new beginning’. Isn’t she just doing what she was doing before!? That bitch is just ignoring his problems and creating new ones! You can’t just erase his past and sugar coat his future like that! I could feel my heart begin to break when he spoke those words to me. It didn’t fully shatter though until he told me why he was standing under the bridge. After she told him her plans on Thanksgiving Jake ran away (that’s what the texts were about). He’d been roaming around for a few days and had decided on the only solution… he’d planned to jump off of the bridge…

When he told me that I grabbed his arms and began to panic and beg him not to jump. He looked at me with a sweet yet sad little look and pat my head soothingly. He wiped tears from my red eyes and kissed my forehead before finishing what he had to say. What he told me next made me nearly fall over… in fact I did fall… well kinda, my legs gave out and I collapsed crying. He told me that he wanted to leave. Not because of me, but because he knew that as long as he lived there… Kevin, the memories, and well, everything would just bring him back to the darkest time in his life.

I knew he was right, but I couldn’t bare the thought of losing him… I still can’t. I cried in his arms knowing deep in my mind that soon I would never be able to do that again. He held me tighter than he’d ever held me with tears beginning to form in his beautiful eyes. Only then did I truly begin to notice all the wonderful things I was going to miss… his soft black hair that framed his perfect pale face, his bright blue- grey eyes that conveyed more emotion in the past few months than most peoples do in their entire lifetime, the sweet- minty smell of his breath as he breathed on my neck… his sweet, loving, perfect smile that he gave to me and me alone… everything… everything about him… I stood in his arms taking in every little detail about him and encasing it in my mind forever.

As I drove home with him driving closely behind me, I struggled to keep my hands steady on the road. We stopped in front of his house, but I refused to let him leave. I took him to my house, so that I could keep him close to me for just a little bit longer… after all… he’s leaving on Friday… I only have a few days and I’m not wasting any time. Thank god my dad was working late and my mom… well… I didn’t even speak to her when I brought Jake home… I was too panicked and my vision was too blurry to recognize anyone’s existence, but Jake’s and my own. She didn’t interfere though; she could tell something was up… I’ll tell her everything tomorrow along with Casey and Rachel I guess… they deserve to know…

Jake and I have been in my room for hours now. It’s been a mix of me crying and him trying to console me… I just can’t believe he wants to leave… I mean I get why, but… I just don’t want him out of my life… not after everything we’ve been through…