Just Live For Me

Thank You

November 19, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I still don’t know what Jake and Jill were fighting about, but I’m guessing at some point in the fight Jill found out Jake was still with me. When I got home, there was a lock on my window and my parents were pissed. My dad was angrier though. He was yelling at me about how I deliberately disobeyed them, and how dangerous the things I was doing were. I have no idea what exactly he though Jake and I had been doing, but he mentioned drugs and stuff a lot (But I have NEVER done drugs!). It was really irritating. He was acting like Jake was a dangerous boy who was turning his ‘sweet little girl’ into ‘ a disobedient girl he doesn’t even know’. If he really wanted to get to know me better, then maybe he should try being nice to me instead of forbidding me to see my bf? I mean seriously, does he expect me to be all open about everything!? I told them about me finding Jake and how he was losing weight! What more do they want me to tell them!? That I constantly live in fear of finding Jake in a pool of blood again? That I fucked up and had sex with him on Halloween? No! They don’t! That would kill them!

         My mom wasn’t that mad. She was just ‘disappointed’ in my decisions. After my dad was gone we talked more. She told me how sorry she was about Jake’s illness, but she didn’t want me to get hurt (I’m tired of people feeling sorry for me!) She said she was worried that I was traumatized from finding Jake and that we never really ‘talked’ about it. She wants me to go to fucking therapy! I don’t want therapy… I want to see Jake. She thinks that talking to some guy in an office will make me less stressed, but it wont. The only thing that could possibly erase worry from my stupid brain is Jake. Seeing Jake on our wedding day happy and pain free… I know that it would be the end of my worrying. Even seeing him happy with me every night, when he comes to my window is enough to make me feel better. For once I actually told my mom what I was thinking. And ya know what? She agreed with me. She knows how much I love Jake, but she also knows that he isn’t the best influence on me and that he has a long way to go until he is ‘cured’.

         I wish my mom would believe in me. I’ve been working to perfect myself for her all my life, but It’s time she realizes that I would flunk out of school if it meant Jake could be better. I think in the back of her mind she knows that we belong together… if only my dad could see that…

November 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Yes Thanksgiving break! I can sleep in again! Rachel and Matt left yesterday, and she’s been texting me about Wisconsin all day. I envy her so much. There she is having the time of her life with her bf in Wisconsin… and I’m going to struggle to think of one thing I’m thankful for… Of course I’m thankful for Jake, but… I don’t really have him anymore… We still have so much love between us, but with all of the crazy stuff happening it’s been harder and harder to see each other. We can hardly text anymore, because my dad checks my messages. Why can’t he just let me love Jake? Of course Jill is no help to the situation. She is so overprotective of Jake now. I wont lie and say therapy isn’t helping Jake, because as far as I know he has no new cuts on his arms. But Jake goes there so much, and I never get to see him. We used to talk about it, but now on the rare occasions that we actually mange to sneak out see each other, he doesn’t want to ruin the time with a sad topic. Instead, we stay as close to each other as possible and talk about the good things in life (and kiss, we kiss a lot). I think I found the most comfortable place to be ever. It is at the park, lying on the grass, on a nice day, with your head on your bf’s chest, and his arm around you. I doubt I can say that on Thanksgiving, so I’ll say it now. I’m thankful for the moments like that. When we are happy and peaceful in a park where no one knows who we are, or any of our problems J

November 21, 2012

Dear Diary,

         This afternoon my mom caught me trying to sneak out to meet Jake (we were going out to a Thanksgiving lunch, since we wouldn’t be able to see each other tomorrow) I tried to lie and say I was going to Bree’s house, but like I said before I’m a bad liar. Plus I guess I was wearing too much makeup to justify a casual visit. Though she never said it, I’m sure my mom knew where I was going. She wrapped me in her arms, handed me a 20, and told me to be home by 4:30 at the latest (my dad gets home at 5). Maybe I do have something to be thankful for tomorrow. That I have a mom that knows what love means.