Just Live For Me

Hurricane

September 20, 2012

Dear Diary,

I can’t stop crying… I try to stop, but I can’t

I didn’t even bother going to school on Tuesday. At seven a.m. I slipped into a black shirt and went to Jakes. His mom wasn’t home (the bitch leaving him alone on that day!). I could smell and see pot smoke coming out from under Jake’s door. I knocked gently… no reply… I knocked harder… no reply… I said Jake’s name… Small cry then I heard him say my name. It was absolutely terrible. I couldn’t do anything while my boyfriend was crying in his room on the anniversary of the worst day of his life with the door locked. I asked him to open the door, but he refused. I tried… I really tried to get him to open the door, but he refused. I just stood there listening to him cry. I could only imagine what he was doing in there. He made a grunt noise and slammed the door… I saw a trail of blood splatter under the door… he was cutting himself… I shouted for him to open the door… I screamed, I knocked, I really tried… oh god I tried… I could hear him singing the words to Savior by Black Veil Brides in between tears. About half way through the song he slammed his fist against the door and didn’t stop. He shouted the lyrics and screamed and cried… and I just stood there… helpless. I could hear him moan as he slid the knife over his arms. I could see his expression in my head as he took the long glides with the blade. As he kept singing the lyrics shakily, I sang with him. We sang together for what seemed like hours, but was probably just a few minutes.

“ I never meant to be the one who kept you from the dark”… gasp… “But now I know my wounds are sewn because of who you are…” cry. I used to love that song… now I cry whenever I hear it…

Then he just let out a huge scream. He kept saying how god was punishing him. He said something like “ Why am I here!? What’s the point!? I was supposed to die that night and we all know it! God’s just an ass out to make my life hell! It’s not bad enough that he made my sister die! Oh no! That would be too easy! No, he had to make ME the one who killed her! He made ME sit there in the car awake watching my baby sister slowly bleed out! She asked me to help! She was CRYING for god’s sake! She was covered in blood with at least five broken bones dying slowly and god just made me watch helplessly for thirty HELL filled minutes! But he wasn’t done there! He made my mom completely shut down! He made her become a walking zombie! He made her deny therapy, which I think it’s pretty fucking obvious I NEED! I’M A MOTHER-FUCKING WRECK! Then he gives me a jackass who dedicated his life to ruining mine! Does Kevin honestly think I wanted this to happen! This sucks dick! And finally, he gives me an amazing girlfriend that is forced to share in my pain! Well I’m not taking it anymore! I’m DONE!

Eventually, after about an hour of muffled sobs he let out a deep grunt; I heard a metal clink, then… silence… nothing… no cries, no songs… I’ve never screamed louder in my life… I screamed for him to open the door, I screamed for him to say something… anything… I screamed for him to be okay. It took me ten minutes for me to unlock the door with my bobby pin, and when I did I almost fainted. Jake was on the ground with blood everywhere, on the walls, on his face, on the floor, on his bed… and his wrists… oh his wrists… I can’t write this without crying… They were slit… deep… very deep… blood still gushing from them. Jake was passed out and incredibly pale. I struggled to find my phone, but as soon as I got it I called 911. I was frantic and I’m not even sure if they understood me, but they sent an ambulance.

For four minutes I sat there crying and screaming and trying my god damn best to stop the blood. I just couldn’t believe it…

…Jake tried to kill himself…

For the past two days I’ve been at the hospital. Jake is only awake for short periods in time, and even when he’s awake he can’t say much. He just lays in the bed with bandages up his arms mumbling how sorry he was for putting me through what he did. I think my eyes have officially run out of tears, since I cried for two days after finding Jake. I just now ran home to get changed, and brush my teeth (I didn’t even explain to my parents what happened; I just said Jake was in the hospital). His mom still hasn’t visited him. If she’s not there when I get back I’m going to fucking kill her (Like I’m not already)