Just Live For Me

Fresh Wounds

July 15, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I’m worried for Jake. He hasn’t messaged me in ten days. Last time just after a few days I found him locked in his room higher than a kite. I need to see him and know that he’s O.K.

         I found Jake. He showed up at my house today at about 7p.m. He was so drugged up he could hardly stand. He has to stop the drugs. It’s now 10:07 p.m. and he’s still here. I can’t let him leave like this so I just let him sleep in the guest room. Then I saw something freaky… I was taking off his sweatshirt so that he wouldn’t overheat (it’s like 90 degrees outside), and I saw his arms. They scared the hell out of me. I mean he’s usually so happy, so I never would have guessed. They were cut almost all the way up to his shoulder (fresh cuts even).

The image of his arms will never leave me. It was like seeing a white canvas splattered with red and salmon colored paint carelessly. Overlapping and crooked. His beautiful, thin (maybe too thin, pale arms flowing down from his shoulders to his hands. From above… they look perfectly normal, a little skinny and pale… but normal. But flip them over…. It is like a battlefield… You can see the deep fresh wounds crooked above poorly healed salmon scars.

I will never understand why someone would cut themselves like that. I guess if your inner pain is so forceful, you’d do anything to distract you from it… deep… dark… painful… bloody… distractions. Even so they’re only temporary distractions. Then you are left with big ugly scars that just remind you of WHY you cut in the first place. In the end it’s a big never-ending circle of pain.

What his happening to him to make him do that? I love him and I can’t let him go through it alone anymore. I now understand why his mom thanked me for giving his happiness… I am a distraction from his pain… but even so I’m only temporary… He has to be alone sometime or another. When he is, the circle repeats… he is drawn to a new distraction… a damaging distraction… the knife… to create a new pain. How long has she known? How could she just let it go on? Just waiting for someone else to fix it for her?

July 16, 2012

Dear Diary,

         This morning I woke up on Jake’s lap. I was lying on the floor next to the guest bed with Jake sitting next to me with my head on his lap. I could hear his breathing and, it was really sweet and a nice way to wake up until I noticed that he’d been crying. His gray-blue eyes were red and emotionless. He was just sitting and staring at the wall… in a trance… somewhere else… somewhere better. Tears began to rise again in his dry red eyes, but as soon as he noticed I was awake his blank expression exploded into one of his nicest smiles. It was a smile that made the world melt away; a smile that made me forget all my worries. But they all flooded back when he stroked my hair with his scarred arm. His pale, red-scarred arm…I don’t regret what I did, and I never will. I was over flooded with emotions, and I stood up, looked him straight in the eyes, and slapped his face. I must have screamed, “Look what you’ve done to yourself!” at least five time. I will never forget the look of shock in his eyes after I slapped him. He starred at me with his big blue-gray eyes, with a pink mark on his cheek. It was a mix of terror and disbelief that could break your heart. That’s why immediately after looking into his gaze my knees buckled and I fell to my knees… then I hugged him.

         I love Jake more than anything in the world, and I would never do anything to hurt him. However, if it is the only way to make him see…I would do anything to make him stop his pain.

Jake hasn’t left yet and it’s already 4:00 p.m. I’m glad that he hasn’t left. I want him to stay, so he wont hurt himself. However, he’s also not talking to me.

         After I hit him, we sat in silence holding each other. I think we were both afraid that if we let go, that the other would leave forever… even now as I write this, we both have our eyes on each other… God please don’t let this be over!

July 17, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake left at about 7:00 p.m. last night. He never spoke to me until he was leaving. He just grabbed me around the waist and held on tight. Then he whispered, “ I’m sorry… I love you.” That was it. He left. But not before kissing me on the lips.

         I may not know what causes him to go to such extremes, or why he feels the need to hide it from me, but I do know that I help him through it. That’s all I care about.

Because he is the boy I’m going to marry