Just Live For Me

Stupid Phone...

November 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Originally my mom had planned a small dinner with my grandparents and a few of my parent’s close friends (I wasn’t really looking forward to it). I woke up early, so that I could have a few hours of peace before seeing my grandparents, but when I went downstairs my cousins were there. Sam, Kim, Sydney, my aunt and uncle… all of them. It was so awkward. I was still in my pajamas and my hair was mess. I was not in the mood to be seen… I’m getting off track. Anyway, after I ran upstairs and made myself ‘decent’ my mom told me what was going on. It was supposed to be a fun surprise for me, since I’d been so lonely. Did my parents really think I wanted to sit through an even more awkward dinner with my cousins!? To make matters worse no one seemed to have told them that Jake and I ‘broke up’, so Kim and Sydney kept asking to see him. My uncle wanted to meet him since he’d never net him before. Oh god it was terrible!

         My only help was surprisingly enough, Sam. Being the oldest cousin he’s always known me best. He knew something wasn’t right with me. Whenever I began to feel overwhelmed, Sam would put his hand on my back and try to change to topic. After an hour of that I asked my mom if I could just go to my room. I was in the middle of trying to call Jake for the third time, when Sam walked into my room. He knew something was up. My eyes were red and watery. I didn’t bother trying to cover up the fact that I’d been crying. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be able to see my boyfriend without something standing in the way. I wanted him to be there with me for Thanksgiving. I wanted him to be there for me. I wanted to be able to be sad and not have to smile and be sweet for my cousins. I was sick of it. I don’t know why I did, but I told Sam about Jake and me. I told him how I wasn’t able to see him because we screwed up (I didn’t tell him how) and how no one wants Jake and me together… not even my own father.

         Sam tried to calm me down, but being a 14-year-old boy he wasn’t very successful. Instead he sat down next to me and took my phone. He saw that I’d been trying to call Jake. Then he turned it off. He helped me up, whipped away my tears and hugged me. I won’t lie; I love Sam a lot. He’s a great cousin. He convinced me to get dressed in some nice cloths and go back downstairs for dinner. It was brutal. Everyone was too happy, when I felt like breaking down. Sam helped me through it though. We did this thing that we used to do when we were little. If the other person ever started to get sleepy (or in this case sad) we would squeeze or pinch their hand. By the end of the night my hand was sore as fuck… but I was grateful for Sam’s help.

When we all went around to say what we were thankful for, Sam said he was grateful for the best cousin in the world (A.K.A. me J). I said I was grateful for my family members that have helped me through everything (A.K.A. Sam and My mom). Under my breath I said Jake too. I think Sam heard me. He kicked me with his foot and smiled at me.

I’m sorry that they have to leave tomorrow night. This time around Sam was back to his normal self. My baby cousin and one of my best friends J

November 23, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I haven’t turned my phone back on since Sam turned it off yesterday. Well, more like Sam wouldn’t let me turn it back on. He said that I deserved one day without worrying about Jake. No mater how much I wanted to deny it… I worry free day did sound nice. Sam and I played video games almost all day today. I think I am the worst gamer EVER. I lost at Super Smash Brothers Brawl (one of the only game I had) at least seven times before I gave up. It was pretty pathetic, but Sam got a good laugh out of it. What did he expect? I’m an only child and whenever Jake and I play (which isn’t often) he lets me win or we play story mode. I just chose Kirby and pressed A a bunch, while he used Fox and somehow did a bunch of fancy kicks. Well… at least I managed to beat Sydney. That’s something right?

         When 7 p.m. rolled around and they had to leave I couldn’t help, but feel sad. Other than my mom and Casey, Sam was the only person who really wanted to help me stay with Jake. After my grandparents left last night Sam and I hung out for a little bit. I didn’t really know what to say, so he said the first words. He said, “ Megan, I know I was a jerk last time, I mean a HUGE jerk… but if you and Jake really love each other then I wish you the best. I mean who am I to judge a relationship? My first girlfriend dumped me for some jerk and… well… lets just say I think you made a better choice then Claire did…” His words came out really shaky, but I could tell he really meant it. He really does want me and Jake to be together. That’s is why it was really hard to watch my cousins leave. Because once Sam left… I was back to only having two people to support me, and one of them (A.K.A. my mom) was tied down to a man who hated my bf’s guts.

         I’m currently staring at my phone having a mental argument of whether or not to turn it back on. Once I turn it on there’s no turning back. I have no idea what to expect. 100 text messages from Jake… None? I don’t know which would be worse… well… here I go…

         When I turned on my phone I found 5 unread messages. 4 were from Jake and 1 was from Rachel. I decided on Rachel’s message first since, well… I could use a happy message about her vacation at the moment. Anything to stall finding how much turning off my phone screwed things up. Turns out she and Matt were having a great time and she wanted to hang with me when she got back. That’s good something to look forward to. I haven’t had one of those in a while.

         Jake’s messages were not as uplifting. I can’t really describe them that well, so well here they are…

#1: Hey. I’m really sorry I missed your calls don’t hate me lol. Anyways I hope your Thanksgiving is going better than mine is. With any luck we’ll be able to meet again b4 school starts on Monday. <3 you

#2: I don’t know if you got my last text but plz text me back I need your help.

#3: Are you mad at me? Megan? Srsly this isn’t funny…

#4: I know you got my messages. I don’t know what I did but whatever it is well… I’m sorry… I just need help right now and I don’t have anywhere els to turn…

            Shit… his last message was three hours ago… god only knows what he meant by he needs help! Why did I turn off my phone!? Why was I so selfish! I texted him back how sorry I was 10 minutes ago, but he didn’t respond… with Jake… that’s never a good sign…