Just Live For Me

Run

October 8, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake’s missing… His mom came home yesterday, and he was gone! So was all of his mom’s money. What did I do!? Jake’s gone because I fucked up! This can’t be happening! Oh god why! I take it back! Let me rewind! I didn’t mean any of it! I would still never let him die! I still love him! … God just let him be safe…

October 9, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake’s still not back. I don’t know what to do… his mom is blaming me for his disappearance (can I really blame her? I blame myself too). I’m pretty sure my parents do to, but they’d never say that to me. Not after I collapsed crying yesterday when I told them about our fight… but I can tell… everyone blames me for it… Everyone except for my friends of course, but honestly… I don’t know what they think anymore… I know they want the best for me, and I know they want to help Jake almost as much as I do… but in all reality… I can’t imagine any way that it isn’t my fault… I left him alone… I yelled at him… I told him I wouldn’t save him… I let him get to this point… I mean, even after seeing how shut out his mom was and how broken he was, and STILL I left him alone in his home…STILL I allowed him to stay in the empty house… STILL I allowed him to drive to school alone every day, just a short distance from the spot where he lost Helen… STILL I let him sleep alone, in the same hospital that Helen had died in… STILL I convinced myself he was better…

         I’m helpless aren’t I? I try to help him, but… what did I do to help? Give him a few extra weeks… a few extra minutes of happiness before he cut himself off?... If I don’t find him soon… I just… I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t take the blame… I want it gone… I want him back… I want to hold him… I want to fulfill my dream… I want to marry him…

October 10, 2012

Dear Diary,

         His mom called the police today. She reported Jake missing. The police acted like it was no big deal; they kept saying how teens run away all the time, and are usually back in a few days. I don’t think they were going to do anything… until his mom told them about his attempted suicide… She told them how sick he was, and that his running away was not just a form of rebellion… She told them that he’d probably run away to kill himself without being found in time… Although I think we’d both been thinking this neither of us had wanted to admit it till then… Once it was out in the open, I think I got about 100 times more worried. However, that did convince the policemen to actually TRY to find Jake. All I can do now is cross my fingers and hope that he gets found.

October 13, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Jake texted me! It’s been almost a week since he left, and this gave me so much hope. He told me he loved me, and that he would never say anything to me like that again. When I asked him… begged him… to come home… he didn’t reply. Well… not a real reply. He sent me a picture of him smiling and making a heart with his hands. The smile wasn’t forced. It was a true, genuine smile. I don’t under stand what he did or where he was, but his smile was true and heartfelt. That has to mean something right? It made my day. I’ve never stopped looking at it since I got it. I can only hope this means that he’s okay and that I’ll see him soon..