Just Live For Me

Time Bomb

September 21, 2012

Dear Diary,

         Writing right now is the only thing keeping me from crying. I’m currently in a chair next to Jake’s hospital bed. He looks so calm while he’s sleeping… like a little angel. His content breathing and the slow beeping of his heart monitor are calming and helps me not break down. I saw Jake’s mom leaving the hospital when I got back yesterday. She didn’t bother to talk to me, since I couldn’t even force myself to look at her. I think my parents have been here more than her. I know for a fact I have. I haven’t slept; I haven’t eaten… I just sit and wait for him to wake up. He was up for about three hours today. We talked about music, and I told him how much I loved him and how I never want him to hurt himself again. He took my hand and squeezed it hard. He was sorry… but not for hurting himself; he didn’t regret his attempted suicide… he regretted me finding him… he hated to see me cry. He’s so stupid. He hurts so much that he wants to kill himself, his mom’s never around, he’s practically a walking toothpick… and still… he says the worst thing is seeing me cry for him.

         I love him… and he loves me…

         Earlier today I had a crying and panic attack in the hospital. He couldn’t control myself. I didn’t care who saw me cry, Jake was asleep and that’s all that mattered. My parents hugged me and tried to calm me down… but it was no use… Savior was playing on my iPod… all I could think of was Jake… in his room… cutting himself senseless… singing that song for Helen… not even Jake would be able to stop my crying. Only now have I stopped crying.

September 22, 2012

Dear Diary,

         I don’t think I’ve ever seen Jake as angry as he was today. He saw his mom. Jake was awake almost all day today. At about 11ish I went to get him some food (which he said he didn’t need, but it was pretty obvious he did)… When I got back, I saw Jake screaming at his mom. I don’t remember it completely, but this is how it went about…

Jake’s mom: Jake I had no idea… how long have you felt like this? I…

Jake: BULL FUCKING SHIT! Don’t stand there and act all innocent! Don’t pretend like you had no idea! When I walk into the kitchen, grab a knife, go up to my room, and play loud music… WHAT THE HELL DID YOU THINK I WAS DOING!? Oh that’s right… You completely left me for dead! You didn’t care! You didn’t want to deal with me!

Jake’s mom: I’m sorry Jake… I just…

Jake: just nothing… you screwed up… we both did…

Jake’s mom: You did nothing wrong sweetie; it’s been a hard year… for both of us…

Jake: Ha! How would you know how hard it’s been? YOU DESERTED ME! You saw my arms! You saw the pot! You didn’t even ask me why I was gone that weekend I went to Ohio! You just wanted to believe it was all just fine! Here’s a reality check for you IT’S NOT!

Jake’s mom: I’m so sorry.

Jake: I don’t give a fuck how sorry you are!... My life is shit and no amount of sorrys is going to help.

Jake’s mom: I know. I just… I just didn’t want to believe what you were doing… you’re my baby boy after all.

Jake: No I’m not! I’m sick! I need help! If I were your baby boy you would have gotten me help!... Do you want to know how I found out I was ambidextrous?

Jake’s mom: No I…

Jake: It was when I first cut my right wrist! When I first ran out of clean skin on my left arm!  When I first got thrown against the wall at school! I went into the bathroom… took out my pocketknife… and cut… and cut… and cut...! It hurt! I cried! I screamed! When I got home you didn’t care! I was in short sleeves, and there were cuts up my right arm! All you said was ‘ dinners in the fridge!’  

Jake’s mom: But…

Jake: And even when I stayed in my room ALL weekend without eating or sleeping… you STILL ignored me! Even when you found bloodstains on my door… you STILL refused to accept my pain!

Jake’s mom: I though that nice girl was helping you… I thought she was making you happy again…

Jake: MEGAN IS NOT A DOCTOR! SHE’S NOT YOUR SCAPE GOAT! YOU CAN’T JUST THROW OUR PROBLEM TO HER AND MAKE HER SOLVE IT!... I made her cry… Oh god I made her cry…

Jake’s mom: Jake I…

Jake: GET OUT!

         Then he slammed his arm on the table. I could see how much it hurt him in his eyes but it wasn’t until his mom left the room that he grabbed his arm and groaned in pain… When he saw me standing there he immediately covered his pain and smiled at me. He tried to talk to me, but I wasn’t listening. I threw his sandwich on the table and hugged him. It was a nice hug. Then he kissed my head, and we sat hugging in silence. I knew he cared for me. I knew he loved me and still does. Hopefully that will be enough to make him stay.