Pretending (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction)

Chapter 39: Him

6 Days After

6:00 AM

My heavy eyelids opened as the loud sound coming from my alarm coming started ringing around my room. My eyes started wandering around and I closed it again. There's a throbbing going on in my head, making the pain unbearable. I tried to go back to sleep but my alarm went on again. I moved and reached for the clock at my bedside table, shutting it down. I got up from the bed, with my eyes still closed. I walked groggily inside the bathroom, not caring if I bumped into something. I tried to open my eyes as I turn on the lights. I got a bit blinded but I managed to adjust my vision. My head hurts like hell, and I'm not feeling any good. I feel like in any moment I will throw up. I feel hungry but I'm not in the zone to eat. I walked in front of my mirror to check myself. I looked horrible. I haven't got much sleep, I haven't had proper meals. I don't quite know what has gotten into me. I washed my face and ran a hand in my hair, making me regret every single night that I had been drinking. I wasn't like this. But I couldn't control myself. I feel like I'm in a total devastation, but the other side of my head screams not to give such a big deal about everything. I want to get better. I can't be like this all the time.

7:43 AM

I tried to eat as I drive my way to school. My stomach doesn't want anything, but I know I'd pass out if I didn't take any. I had a banana, someone once told me it's a good thing to get rid of hangover. I rolled the car windows down and let the wind hit my face. This is very calming, I said to myself. I tried to smile, a real one. I had been faking it for days, and I know it was hard. I turned up the music, but when a familiar song came on, I immediately turned it off. I still couldn't get rid of those words in my head. The memories, all of it. No matter how much I get intoxicated, they won't get away from me. I want it all to fade away. I want to forget about it all. But at the same time, I don't want to. Those are the only memories I can hold on to. They were all beautiful, I can't just let them go.

I parked my car where my friends usually park theirs. It's near behind a tree, the tree where I usually go to after classes. It has been only days, but it seemed like forever. I stood there for a moment, and realized that nothing's going to happen no matter how much I look at it.

I walked passed the gates and felt something different. I need to get used to this, I reminded myself. It's been six days. Did something happen? Nothing. I still feel like stopping here and wait, even if I have to wait that for hours, I would. But I know no one would show up. It's not like the same anymore. Things had change. Words had been said. Feelings were expressed. But life goes on, and it wouldn't just stop because I got hurt.

8:36 AM

I feel like I'm going to die. I regret all the things I've done these past few days. I've been a reckless jerk who partied almost every night even though I know I have school the next day. I haven't had a proper meal. I feel so hungry but I couldn't eat. My whole body feels like I got slammed into an iceberg. My eyes are burning, and my head won't stop pounding. I know I shouldn't be drinking. Not only for the fact that I am underaged, I am not myself when I'm drunk. I can barely remember most nights I've spent. I've been going to school since this Monday with hangover and it's not good. I shouldn't be drinking but I thought it was the only way I could do to help me get rid of all these fucked up feelings inside my chest.

I hate how I'm reacting at everything. I have never been like this before. I have encountered rejections, but it didn't turn out like this. I was always the one who's ending up happy. I always win at everything. I'm not used to this but I feel like I am. Maybe because I got really hurt in some kind of way that I never expected to happen to me. Never in my life had I imagined that I would ever get my heart shattered into pieces. Maybe that's just really what love can do. It can turn you into the most happiest person alive, then turn you into some kind of a person who doesn't want to give a single damn about his life anymore.