Pretending (A Calum Hood Fan Fiction)

Chapter 18: Her

I feel so damn stupid for walking away when I don't even know why I did. I was already having a great time with him, why did I decided to be a bitch and leave? I'm so stupid. My day started really good and no matter how things would try to ruin it, I'm not letting it get into me. Then all of a sudden, just because of a stupid question, I walked away without even saying anything other than informing him that I've got to go. How could I've been so rude? He was just trying to get to know me. Why do I have to act like this and walk away? Why did I even walk away?

Here I am again, just like from the start. Just like how I bumped into him. Just like how I waited for him to help me up and say sorry. But he didn't do anything, right? That is what is going to happen again right now. No one is going to stop me. No one is going to ask me why I walked away. Why do I even make a big deal out of it? It was all my fault. He was already there, getting to know me. He actually cares. He wanted to break all the walls that I've put up to guard me. He was trying his best. I was already wanting him to. But I didn't let him. Now I'm filled with all this regret and wonder.

I managed to walk home all by myself. Good thing I still remember how to get home from the beach. I have never been there for a long time. I have never been there with anyone else other than my family. Those were the happiest days of my life. I don't have to worry about anything because I was still young, and I have my parents with me. I always smile, I'm always happy. Will I ever have the chance to get back from being happy again? Seems like this world doesn't want me to. Whenever I try, it just end up really fucked up. I can never be happy anymore, no matter how hard I try. I guess I just have to deal with that for the rest of my pointless life.

I ran up to my room and immediately flopped down on my bed. I couldn't care about anything anymore other than sleeping. I removed my hair tie and turned my phone off. I immediately drifted into sleep.


*


Surprisingly, I woke up by 8 in a Saturday morning with some kind of a good mood. I was expecting I'd wake up by afternoon and I will just do nothing, but then I found myself getting up, turning my music on and heading to take a shower.

"It's Saturday today." I whispered to myself, trying to get back to reality.

I opened my curtains and let the sunlight shine all over my room. I put my iPod on the speakers and played The Summer Set's songs in full blast. When "Lightning In A Bottle" played, a smile formed into my lips. I suddenly found myself singing along again while I take a shower. This is really weird. Weirder than the mornings I've had this previous week. It's Saturday. I should be sleeping still. But here I am, taking a shower at 8 AM on a Saturday, while singing along in a happy song. This has been going for days. Am I okay?

I walked to my dresser and grabbed a pair of ripped gray jeans and a navy blue sweater. The weather today's kinda cold so I have to keep myself warm. I applied my usual make up and pulled my hair up in a bun after blow drying it. After minutes of getting ready, I took my phone and went out. Since my leg is not yet okay, I'm not skating today and I will walk to get to where I wanted to go. The struggle is real.

No, I really didn't plan about anything today. This wasn't on my list, actually I really don't have a list of the things that I should do or what I wanted to do. I don't like planning things. I hate organizing schedules and stuff, or making plans about something. I just go with the flow. But if there's something that I really have to do, like wake up early for school, I set an alarm for that. No matter how much I don't want to, I still do it. But when it comes to things like this, I just wait for my mood to turn up until I decide to do something maybe a little bit interesting. Today I woke up in a good mood again. I wasn't really expecting for it, or let's say I expected to wake up in my usual mood. But well, I didn't. The moment I opened my eyes I already knew I wanted to go out today and just go wherever I want to go. Eat a lot, or maybe buy new books, drink coffee, or just look at things. I didn't plan for this. But I'm excited to find out what is up for me today.

After getting a coffee from Starbucks, I decided to visit a music shop to check on some guitars. I miss playing a guitar. I miss being able to sing while strumming chords, trying to form a song. I miss how I played non stop every night. I just don't know why I stopped. I love music so much but my love for playing instruments had suddenly stopped. Having thoughts of trying to play again punches my heart. The images of my father smashing my guitar that he bought for me when I was just 11 years old into the door keeps on flashing whenever I try to. He was mad and unstoppable because he was so drunk. He had forgotten how he told me to keep it always somewhere safe so no one would take it away from me. No one would wreck it or smash it. But he did it himself. It was like he was destroying his own self. It still breaks my heart. And I shouldn't be thinking about this because I'm not my room. I couldn't let anyone see me crying. And of course, I want this day to be drama less. I just want to have fun even in just the littlest things around me.

I turned around to wipe the tears that were about to fall from my eyes. I don't want my mascara to make a mess on my face. As I walk closer to the electric guitar section, a guy with a pink hair was standing there, smiling at me. He looked familiar. He's one of Calum's band mates and best friends, I think?

"Hey!" He greeted with a cheerful tone.

"Hey." I tried. Oh my god I never thought socializing could be this hard.

"It's uh... It's Kristen, right?" He asked me.

I smiled awkwardly and answered. "Yes."

"Calum's girlfriend?" He grinned.

I bit my lip as I try to stop myself from blushing. "Ahh, uhm yep."

"If you don't know yet, my name's Michael by the way." He winked and stated. What is up with people being nice to me these days?

"The only person I know other than Calum is Luke." I stated.

"I wouldn't question about that." He rolled his eyes and smirked.

"Why?" I asked awkwardly.

"Well... among us, he's really the popular one. Lead singers get everything." Michael stated.

"I don't think so." I disagreed, kind of loving the conversation.

"Why?" He asked me back.

"Well, I think drummers are punk rock." I grinned.

"Well I could say Ashton is the shit." He stated as he chuckle lightly.

So that Ashton guy who's really jolly and friendly is their drummer. I think I'll be thinking about my opinions about drummers being sad and serious all the time.

The rest of the next hours were really awkward and unusual for me but it was somehow fun. This is for the first time that I got to hang out with someone other than Calum. Michael and I talked non stop about bands, and he was quite surprised to find out that I listen to the same bands he listens to. He likes Sleeping With Sirens too, and he added that his band are trying to be like them. He won't stop going on about how he liked the colors in my hair as well. I realized maybe he was just really interested about this kind of stuff too, since his hair is pink and it really looks good on him. He asked me if a reverse skunk would look good on him because he's planning on dying his hair again soon. I just nod, not really knowing what to say. Any color would suit him to be honest. Calum's friends are all ridiculously good looking band dudes and I don't even understand how did that happen.

After hours of chit chat about bands, guitars, pokemons, and coffee, we decided to have lunch at McDonalds together. He thought that it would be rude to just leave me there without asking me to eat something so he asked me to grab some lunch with him. It's food and it's McDonalds. I'd be stupid if I say no.

When our food arrived, I tried so hard not to be awkward and started a conversation with Michael.

"I've heard you guys are competing for the battle of the bands. When's that?" I asked.

"It'll be in less than 3 weeks and we're not even that prepared yet. Fuck."

I looked at him after he cussed, and he thought I got surprised but I really wasn't.

"Sorry for the word." He said, half smiling. I just laughed at him.

"Speaking of that thing," he took a sip on his coke. "We have a band practice tonight. Might wanna come?"

I paused and tried to think of what to say. I wanted to come, but I remembered I haven't talked to Calum since yesterday, and I'm pretty sure he's mad at me for what I did. I couldn't just show up at their practice like that. Even though I was born a rude rascal, I am not a bitch.

"Oh uhm, I really want to but... Calum and I aren't really in good terms at the moment." I told him, looking down.

"You guys are really weird, honestly." He stated, chuckling lightly. I wanted to agree and tell him yes we really are, but Calum and I are pretending to be in a relationship and no one knows about that except us.

"Maybe I can come some other time." I stated and smiled. He just smiled back and continued eating.

I want to talk Calum. I want to text him or call him right now. I want to ask him how his day is going so far, and what are his plans for today other than their band rehearsal later. I want to hear from him. But I can't. I can't not because I'm mad at him or anything. I can't because I have this fear of being rejected about what I wanted to do. I'm afraid he'll get mad at me because of what I did yesterday. He hasn't texted me yet so I suppose he's really upset about it.

What's with me being all clingy and shit by the way? Damn it, I have to stop.

Michael and I exchanged numbers before we parted ways. It was almost 3 pm but I don't want to go home yet.

I plugged my earphones on and headed to the beach.

Maybe I could figure out why I walked away from Calum.