Stairway to Her Heart #Wattys2017

XXVI

A/N: Nice comments will have a dedication.

"A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." ~Proverbs 17:17

*Winter Woods*

Early morning.

I went to my mom's tomb with a bunch of fresh pink roses on my hands. I felt surprised again when I saw the same bunch of white roses beside her grave. The white roses looks hackneyed. Maybe it was placed a day ago or two. This is the third time that someone gave her these kind of flowers and I still don't have any idea who gives her these. I removed the questions in my head and just put the roses beside the white ones.

"Hi mom."

I sighed and sat on the grass.

"May sasabihin ako sayo. Sainyo lang naman ako nagsasabi kahit hindi kayo sumasagot." I faked a laugh. I don't care if I always look a fool everytime I talk to a nonexistence. I just want my emotions to be freed this moment. I just want to talk to my mother.

"I-I have a friend? Ah yes. I have one but I didn't initiated the friendship okay? He insisted, some sort of uhm, he somehow like forced me to his friend? Oh crap. He did not forced me but he saved me that's why I didn't refused his offer."

"I don't want to be mean. Besides, you taught me to be nice, well not to all people unless they did me a great help." I shrugged. "And yeah, he did a great help."

I heavied a sigh. "Do you think that having him as a friend is okay mom?" I stared at the ocean colored sky. A cold wind passed my skin that made my hair moved. "I think you really want me to have a friend. Noong bata ako palagi mong sinasabi na maging friendly ako. But what can I do? I am not good at initiating friendships." Another wind had passed. This wind got some humor. Tsk. Somehow, I felt like mom was just anywhere, agreeing with that friendship matter.

"But you are still the best friend mom."

I felt agitated. I can't explain myself well because of what they called friendship. Ano bang nagyayari sakin? Pakiramdam ko kasi ay bago ito sakin although this is the second attempt. I really don't know if I will let that Summer be friends with me. I have friend issues. Seriously. I can't just trust a person that easily. In that case, I should not trust him whether he has this oozing calm and jolly personality.

One day I just woke up and realized that the only person I can trust is no other than myself.

"Sorry mom. I know you will be mad if something bad happened to me but luckily, muntik lang at hindi yun natuloy. I remember when you almost cried because of madness. You got angry because I nearly got hit by a car. Ang kulit ko kasi. Tumawid ako sa daan para i-save yung ball ko." I smiled bitterly as I remember my childhood with her.

"Baka kung buhay ka pa hanggang ngayon, nagalit ka na naman. Ayoko pa namang nagagalit ka dahil lumalaki butas ng ilong mo." I smiled upon remembering her angry face. Besides, she still looks pretty with that mad nose.

I dropped my gazes at my shoes.

"One thing I realized? I realized the value of my life when I thought the truck will hit me. Daddy's face flashed on my mind and I felt a sudden emotion thinking that I will die knowing that we aren't okay."

A warm liquid started to form on my eyes. Hindi pala maganda sa pakiramdam ang mamatay ng walang peace sa mga taong hindi mo pa nakakasundo.

"Mommy bakit kasi ang hirap magpatawad? Bakit ang hirap makalimot? Bakit ang hirap tanggapin na kahit kailan hindi na maibabalik yung dati?"