You get too close (Dean)

Chapter 3

// Sadie //

Monday night raw rolled around again before I knew it. Throughout the week I'd been busy getting to know some of my coworkers. Tuesday,Before smack down tapings I went to the mall with Paige, Alicia and Rosa,Then I went to the gym with Nattie. Wednesday I hung out with Naomi for a little while and I did the same on Thursday. Friday I met the other divas and then the weekend I spent alone which I had no problem with. All I did was sleep,Eat,Sleep,Eat and sleep again. Touring around and meeting new people everyday is hard work. It's tiring but I love it already.

Now here I am,Backstage again. Other than cutting the Bella's tops for them so they could wear them to the ring tonight,I didn't need to do anything,So I'm just roaming around again. So far my job has been easy,But as Sandra reminded me earlier,It won't always be this way.

I'm sure when the PPVs come around things will be a bit more hectic,And no doubt wrestle-mania will be insane. Besides,Soon enough I'll have to arrange some photo shoots,And I'm really looking forward to that part of the job.

Everything seems to be going great. Everyone around here is really nice and welcoming...Except for Dean. No matter how much I try,I can't seem to get my mind off of him. I have no idea why he was so rude to me last Monday. I didn't do anything wrong,I didn't say anything rude to him,I was just...There,And something tells me that it wasn't just because he was having a rough day.

I shouldn't be so worried about it though. I learned at a young age that I shouldn't let what people say get to me. Up until I turned 19 I was bullied like hell. I was so depressed that I used to cut myself and plot my death every hour of every day. I tried three times to commit suicide but it never worked out because someone always stopped me.

One time,It was my mother who'd walked in on me sitting on my bathroom floor with a pill bottle in my hand. I was only on my fifth pill but she figured out what I was doing and threw the pill bottle out of my window before taking me to the hospital.

The next time I tried,It was my little sister Aymie who caught me. I once again tried the pills,But I didn't even get two down before she came busting into my room. Once she saw the pill bottle in my hand she immediately tackled me to the ground and took my pills away.

When the pills didn't get the job done,I tried once again to kill myself,This time I tried to cut myself to the point that I'd lose so much blood that I'd die. Unfortunately my mother came to my house,Let herself in,And since my bathroom door doesn't have a lock on it,She came in and stopped me.

Honestly I'm happy that my suicide attempts didn't work. If they had worked I wouldn't be here meeting great people and touring the world. But sometimes I wonder if things would be better had I been able to kill myself. Better for my family I mean.

My mom and sister constantly worry that I'll try to kill myself again. They never stop checking in on me, And every time I see them they have tears in their eyes and they hug me like it's their last time. If I'd been able to kill myself the first time,They'd at least know I was dead. They wouldn't have to worry all the time.

But the last time I tried to commit suicide was five years ago. Now I'm 24 and I'm doing okay. I guess. For the last few years I've become numb to the world. I block things out,And maybe that's a bad thing but that's my coping mechanism.

I don't let things get to me. I keep a blank stare on my face and I go to a blank state of mind when someone is insulting me,That's why I don't get angry at people and that's why I don't get upset.

Conceal don't feel right?

My mom doesn't think this is the appropriate way to handle things. She says that being numb to the world isn't good for me,I should be dealing with this kind of thing not pushing it away and 'pretending' I'm not hurt by it,But hey I haven't tried to kill myself in five years right? So I suppose I'm doing something right.