Your Addiction, Simon Ghost Riley x Reader

Broken promises

When I woke up in the morning, my nightmare cloud lingered over my head. It felt like a dark weight pushing me down and I knew my time to tell Simon the truth had come.

As I got up, I stumbled into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess, and my eyes were puffy and red from crying.

"You can do it" I took a deep breath and looked myself in the eyes.

"You can do it, Y/N" I repeated.

"You can tell him you want to leave. You can leave this life behind" Tears began to form in my eyes as I prepared to make the biggest decision of my life.

I took another deep breath and wiped away the tears.

I knew it was time.

I then got dressed quickly, not bothering to put on any makeup, and made my way downstairs. As I entered the kitchen, the smell of freshly brewed tea filled my nostrils.

Simon was sitting at the table, sipping tea and petting our dog Foap.

"Good morning, sweetheart" He said, looking up and smiling at me.

"Morning" I replied, my voice shaky as I walked over to him and gave Foap a quick pat.

"Is everything alright, Y/N?" Simon noticed something was wrong.

"Yeah..." I said, avoiding eye contact with him.

"You know I don't like it when you lie to me" He put down his cup.

"Does it have anything to do with that nightmare?" Simon asked, his voice full of worry.

"Yeah... I mean no, it's nothing, Simon, really" He looked at me, unconvinced.

"Let's have some breakfast, shall we?" I tried to change the topic and walked over to where the fridge was.

"We are not having breakfast until you tell me what's wrong" He folded his arms and I could sense annoyance in his voice.

"Just keep breathing" I kept repeating that to myself.

"I...I can't do this anymore" I finally said, my voice trembling.

I turned around to face him, still scared to look him in the eyes.

"I can't keep pretending that everything is okay"  

"I want to leave, Simon. I want to leave this life behind. I have been meaning to tell you this for a long time but I never found the courage to do so"

Simon looked at me without any emotions in his eyes, as if he had already known what I was going to say.

"Talk to me, Simon" I sighed and waited for him to speak.

"Why do you want that?"

I took a deep breath before continuing, my voice barely above a whisper as I tried to put into words the overwhelming emotions that had been eating me for so long.

"Being on the field, it's like I'm in a different world. A world where I have to be someone else, where I have to pretend to be strong, invincible, and unaffected by everything around me. But it's all just a facade, a mask that I've been wearing for far too long. The truth is, it exhausts me, Simon. It exhausts me to keep pretending, to keep pushing myself further and further away from who I really am" My vision became blurry but I tried my best not to cry.

I then paused, rubbing my fingers together anxiously as I struggled to find words to express my inner turmoil.

"When I'm out there, I'm not the real me. I'm just a shell, a hollow version of myself that's been molded and shaped by this world. I feel like I'm just going through the motions, doing what's expected of me, but it's not enough. I can't keep living like this, Simon. I need to be true to myself"

As I finished speaking, I looked up at Simon, searching his face for some kind of understanding or acceptance.

But his eyes remained emotionless.

"I know it's not what you want to hear, but I have to do this" I said, feeling the weight of his silence.

"But you know that would mean I had to leave too?"

"I know" I said, the words catching in my throat.

"But just imagine how great it would be if we..."

"No, Y/N" Simon interrupted me and the world around me became still.

"Don't you ever dream of living together somewhere out there, where we wouldn't have to worry about anything?"

"Wouldn't you want to have... a family?" I asked, remembering our lost baby. 

"Y/N, enough. I said no" His tone was so quiet and tense.

"Then what the fuck are you suggesting I do?" I sighed and looked away, feeling my heart break into a million pieces.

But he didn't answer me, he just stared in the distance, lost in his thoughts.

"Are you telling me it is either me or your job?"

Simon didn't say anything, but his silence was enough of an answer.

"I can't believe it... It is actually happening, isn't it?" I whispered as I felt the weight settling in.

"You could stay and I could..."

"And you could spend your days out there, leaving me behind. It wouldn't be fair to either of us, Simon. I would spend every day wondering if you were alive, and it would slowly drive me insane. And you? You would never be able to focus on your missions because you would be constantly worried about me" I interrupted him, my voice trembling.

"Y/N, enough" He was harsh, but the look in his eyes was sad.

"You said you would always be there for me. You promised me that, Simon"

He sighed, then turned his gaze away.

"I'm afraid that if I stay there, I'll just be holding you back" I said as shook my head, tears welling up in my eyes.

"What would I do if I left my job?"

"AND WHAT WOULD I DO IF I DIDN'T?"

Simon looked at me with a puzzled expression, as if he didn't recognize the person standing in front of him. My outburst surprised even me, and I took a step back, suddenly aware of the anger that had been building up inside me for so long.

"I wish I could look at you and not know the person in front of me... This isn't you" Simon said, his voice laced with sharpness.

"You did not just say that to me" I murmured as his words hit me like a ton of bricks.

Simon's face twisted before he stood up, pushing his chair back harshly. The sound of the scraping legs against the wooden floor made me flinch.

And just as he was about to leave the kitchen, I did something I thought I would never do.

"If you take one more step and leave me just like this, you can as well never return to me again"

I stared at Simon's back, hoping that he would turn around and come back to me.

But he didn't.

Instead, he took another step toward the door, and I knew that was it.