Your Addiction, Simon Ghost Riley x Reader

Annihilation

Minutes were followed by hours, hours by days. Every single morning brought more confusion and worries, making me question what was really wrong with me. I started to feel like I was losing my life and myself. No matter what I did, nothing seemed to help, and I felt like I was stuck in an endless cycle of stress and anxiety.

First, the death of my brother, then a small part of me and Simon was lost. But the more I tried to move on and enjoy my life, the more the constant feeling of that void following me was present. I was desperately trying to find a way to move forward and find joy in my life again, but it felt like an impossible task.

And even though Simon was still out there, it felt like I had lost him too. I was starting to regret the life I had, and the love I felt. I knew all of this wasn't meant for me to have. And that led me to think what if joining the army was the worst decision of my life? I felt like I had lost my chance at the life I always wanted.

I had everything, but nothing at the same time. I felt a deep sense of emptiness and loneliness. I was surrounded by people yet I felt completely alone. I had security, but I felt like I was constantly on edge and never truly safe. I was loved, but it seemed like a burden that I couldn't escape.

It was like I was living in a bubble of my own making, unable to find a way out or connect with anyone on a meaningful level. Nothing around me seemed to matter or make a difference, and I was stuck in a cycle of disconnection and isolation.

I realised it was never enough for me, and it would never have been.

In a way, it was the beginning of my Annihilation.

...

"Not much of a talker, right?" Isabella asked me, noticing I was once again lost in my thoughts.

"I tend to observe" I quickly replied, hoping she would realise I wanted to be left in peace. The truth was, I wasn't even listening to her.

"You look like you haven't slept for years. Are you alright?" I was not sure if she was genuinely concerned about me or if it was just a polite inquiry.

"Don't ask me that question" I knew I was being unfriendly, but everything in my life used to irritate and annoy me at that time.

The simple sounds of people walking and breathing, the smells of freshly cooked food. The sounds of people drinking, eating, and just existing made me feel exhausted. But in fact, it was difficult for me to fall asleep. I felt like my mind was intentionally not letting my body rest.

In this tiny kitchen, there were only two of us, yet I felt like I was there on my own, surrounded by millions of different versions of myself.

The ceiling fan above us reminded me that I was still alive. I could feel the weight of my thoughts and emotions like that fan was drawing them up into the air and spinning them away. As if I was sitting in a room full of echoes, all of the memories and moments from my life coming back to me in a single moment.

Both of us sat across the table, facing each other except I couldn't see, I couldn't hear. But I could sense the way she would lift her fork and put those nasty pieces of meat into her mouth. Isabella was feeding her starving body, chewing each bite and sipping some orange juice, not realizing how much I wanted to poke her eyes with that fork.

"Yikes, these veggies taste awful" Her stupid remark made me snap back to reality.

But I didn't even have enough strength to move the food on my plate. And it wasn't because I wasn't hungry, I was just too weak to do it. I was numb to the point of feeling like I had no control over my body and its needs.

"You haven't touched your food, what's wrong?" She stopped eating for a second, only to take some sips of that damn orange juice.

"By the way, don't eat the veggies" She added.

I glared at her, not feeling frustrated. Instead, I was full of jealousy. Her stupidity, her innocence. She had everything I wanted. I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't have the same peace she had. I couldn't be the same person she was, who could take a break from the world and not feel guilty. That was something I envied.

"Did something bad happen?" Clearly, I ignored her question.

"Tell me what's wrong, Heroin" It was the first time hearing her voice so full of worry.

"Talk to me" She continued to persuade.

But I just couldn't stop staring at her clueless eyes. I could tell that she was desperate for an answer, but I didn't know what to say. I just kept wondering how it felt to be free from your mind.

And second by second, Isabella seemed to be more and more uncomfortable with the silence that I gave her.

"Let's say I lost someone close to me recently" The moment I voiced my thoughts, I began to regret it.

And the second she opened her mouth, I interrupted her.

"Now, I didn't tell you this and you didn't hear it" I cursed in my mind. I was pretty sure she would spread that rumor around the whole base.

"I understand how you are feeling. I am so sorry..." Did she really mean it?

"You? Sorry? Now tell me why the fuck would you be sorry? You didn't even know that person" I clenched my fists and banged them on the table. "I didn't even know them..." My voice was sharp as a knife and my eyebrows furrowed in anger.

I didn't know what was going on with me. I knew what I was doing was not fair to Isabella but I just couldn't stop. It felt like the rage that had been building up since the day I started losing myself was on the verge of escaping my mouth. I then stood up and started pacing and gesturing wildly while I vented my frustration.

I was so overwhelmed with those emotions that I felt like I needed to express them, even though I knew she couldn't really understand it. I was desperate to let out the anger and grief and I thought that if I vented it out, then maybe I could start to heal.

"You can't understand the pain I am living through and you will never do. You have no idea what it feels like to be me. Waking up every damn morning with a feeling of longing. The longing for the person I used to be and the person I will never be. It's a never-ending cycle of going over the same emotions and thoughts, feeling like I'm getting nowhere and can't escape." I took a deep breath and continued "And you just keep fucking complaining about those fucking veggies like it's the end of this fucking world" As I finished I kicked the table leg, making the orange juice spill out all over the place.

And as the lights flickered, the whole atmosphere of the room intensified. Moments later, the only place touched by the light was her side of the room, making me stand in darkness. Surrounded by it, I felt it consume me, spread throughout my whole body like venom.

But then the realization hit me. I couldn't believe what I was hearing - was it really me? Was this the real me? The one I had to mask my whole life, the one I had to keep hidden from Simon? I didn't deserve this, nor did he.

Isabella then shrank back. She looked shocked, her eyes wide as she tried to process what had just happened.

And then I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt. I had been living a lie to both myself and Simon. I had been so afraid of being judged and rejected that I had never opened up and been honest about who I truly was. I was terrified of how he would react to the truth and now that Isabella had witnessed this moment of my vulnerability I was afraid she would tell him everything.

Without a second thought, I rushed out of the kitchen. With each step, I felt like a whole new person.

With each step, I felt more and more distant from Simon.