Dear Nishimura Riki ⚊ Letter Series # 6

her realizations

Meeting with Ni-ki had been a regular part of my week now. I would spend my days pouring over my college projects, responding to his letters before taking myself into another world where it would be in their house.

Over the repeated meetings, we had grown a little more familiar with each other and I grew more comfortable with the possibility that maybe we could start over again.

Not like before where we acted as friends while really having hidden feelings for one another.

I'd come to realise that the another way for Ni-ki to distract himself from his recent loss, is to paint. He spent those afternoons at his room painting anything and it usually end up to two familiar guys in a beautiful garden, smiling and waving to someone down somewhere.

Even if he never shared who it was, his mother told me it's supposed to be his Jay and Jungwon hyung, the two frequent characters of his paintings nowadays.

And today was one of those days in which I watched him for a long time just staring at somewhere else not really here, so without a word, I turned to leave him in his thoughts and decided to go at their kitchen for a drink.

Just as I went to open the door of his room, Ni-ki's voice sounded from behind me, "Are you leaving me too?"

Turning to face him, I watched as he stood up from his chair in front of an unfinished canvas, and it broke me to see a pain in his eyes, a fear that I might leave him too, forever.

"No, I'm going to get a drink", I tried my best not to sound too casual, "So do you want to join me and get some snack as well?"

He didn't find it in him to ever tell me what was going on in his mind. Rather he prefer to keep it to himself. Still, the fragile boy from the loss of two precious friends were struggling to be fine in front of everyone.

"Oh", he can only reply as his mind space out again.

Telling him that I can see it, see through him, that I'd promised his sister I would be a comfort to him after I heard he's still grieving, that maybe after all this time, everything is too much for him to bear alone.

Instead, I kept that to myself. I can tell him another time.

"Get me an earl grey tea, that's all", he said as I offered him a smile.

I watched him just for a little longer as he moved around the easel. My eyes greedily searched his figure, cataloguing his broad shoulders and I turned harshly away from him when he caught my eyes.

Heat rushed to my features and I did my best to hide it, then I wonder how all my old feelings for him were like his appearance in Japan, all too sudden in returning.

I got up from my chair, accidentally setting one of his sketch pad down the floor. I hurried to pick it up and there were papers that I'd picked, then preparing to close it when my eyes took in one of the sketches in the paper.

It was me - all me.

It wasn't me that spent hours getting to know him again or the me in this present. Instead, it was me from our middle school days, back where it all started. I casted a quick glance at Ni-ki who was still focusing on the easel and hurriedly glanced back to the sketchbook.

Flicking between the pages, I found myself looking at multiple sketches of me, each of them between our years of being in the same school.

As I heard a footsteps behind me, I snapped the sketchbook shut and let it down onto the couch behind me.

I turned in time to find Ni-ki standing before me. His eyes flicked curiously towards the sketchbook in my hand and I explained, "Sorry, I accidentally knocked it down the floor and I just had one look"

"It's fine", he assured me, accepting it without much of a fuss.

I prepared to leave when Ni-ki himself started to flip through the sketches. Opening it to a sketch of the present me, the older one, he angled it so I could take a better look.

"This has never happened to me before", he confessed, eyes lingering on his work.

Uncertain, I asked, "What do you mean?"

"To love someone endlessly - and why that someone refused to leave my mind even if I'm in another country", he closed the sketchbook with a snap and he said with a shrug, "I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable"

"It doesn't", I assured, "But why me?"

He ran his finger along my chin and said, "I can't remember if I thought about this at the beginning, but do the wrong timing before can give a second try?"

I nodded, looking at him, "What do you have in mind?"

"I'd like to try", he said, "I just thought it would be worth it"

"Let's try then", I agreed softly, smiling unabashedly, "Just you should know, I won't ever return if you hurt me"

"Fair enough", He returned my smile with a grin and reached out for my hand, holding it firm, "Come on, let's get out of here and get something to eat"

We started walking out of his room and out their house, and without a protest, I let him lead me by the hand.

Vaguely, I remembered, "What about your sis -"

"They were out too with their friends", he assured me with a chuckle, "They told me to have you back before dinner"

I stared at his face from time to time as we walk out in the street, my heart fluttering as a small smile graced my lips.

I felt as if I could live in that moment forever; the moment between my fingers brushing against his, and the smile appearing in his face. It was soft and simple, but it felt like everything.

In that moment, I felt beautiful. Not because I actually was, but because even while he was distracted, my touch could cause a smile and that was more than enough for me to be happy.

But sometimes I want him to remember that in this life, sometimes we lose good people, so that better people can fill up the space. Other times, it's not so poetic.

We lose people and live with the void of their absence.

Their lives may end in their chapter to our book, but their memories linger on. And little by little, we let go of loss but never of our love for them.