Stuck in Between / BlindChannel

31. I don't want to lose you

A/N: I do not own the lyrics included in this chapter ( Lizz Robinett- Unravel) Please listen it so you can catch the emotions

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The violent banging against Joonas' door sure disturbed his neighbors but he seemed to take it rather calmly, or at least until I saw his face.

"We did not have an appointment today"

"Fuck that...." I squeezed myself into his apartment and kicked my shoes off.

"Seriously, Ro.. This is not the best time... " Joonas said and gestured that he was wearing only boxers. Fuck. He had someone here.

"Sorry Joonas but this can't wait.." I said and saw how some blonde girl peeked behind his bedroom door.

"I think I should go.. " the girl said and stepped out from the room. She walked to the corridor and put her shoes on.

"Fuck.. Ok I'm sorry to fly in like this but this is a live or die thing and... sorry.." I made my way to the balcony so those two could say their good byes or what ever. Great that at least Joonas had a carefree life. No strings attached. No problems. No fucking hard stuff to deal with. I noticed his cigarettes on the bench so I took one, smoked it and I was maybe on my fourth when Joonas finally had time to join me.

"Ok what the hell happened?" he asked and took the pack of cigarettes from the bench.

"And why the hell have you smoked all my cigarettes... ?"

"I fucked it up" I said and continued sucking the nicotine into my system.

"Hold on now" Joonas said and pulled the cigarette away from me. Thank you. It tasted bad anyway.

"I fucked up, Joonas. I fucking fucked it up so fucking bad that Idon't know what the fuck should I do now.. Fucking hell.." I cried and sat down on the bench.

"Six fucks wow.. Okay.. It would help me if you like.. Tell it all from the beginning... "

"I..." I started but I just started to cry.

"Okay.. come on now... " Joonas sighed and helped me up. He took me inside, placed me on the sofa and well, pillow under the head, legs on the sofa and he sat on the arm chair.

"So for the third time.. What happened this time?" Joonas asked and left his right leg over his left leg.

"Umh so... Yesterday evening.. I .. I went to Joel's because I saw that he hasn't been sleeping much or eaten anything besides junk so I told him that I'd come over and cook something. My plan was just to chill and make sure everything was ok and that he goes to sleep and then I'd go home... So umh.. I cooked, we watched a movie, drank a bit and he was like literally almost shutting down so we said good nights and I was on my way home. But I kinda went to sit to the parkand started to think about everything and soon after that I was ringing his doorbell again and.. I .. slept with him"

"No you fucking didn't! ROBYN! You... You fucking did not ... "

"I did, ok.. I fucking did. And wanna know the fucking worst part?! It felt good.. It felt like too fucking good and I can't lie to myself anymore.. Joel was fucking right the whole time.. I have a mess inside my head and.. I .. fucking still love him... " I cried. Joonas gave me a tissue and sighed.

"So what happened then...?" Joonas asked carefully.

"Well.. Aleksi was supposed to stay at Robin's over the weekend..but he called me this morning that he'd be on his way home soon ...So I decided to come clean.. About everything..." I sighed and looked at Joonas who looked like he wanted to hit me with the coffee table. Just fucking do it. I won't be mad.