Stuck in Between / BlindChannel

7. We're together all the time anyways

The time seemed to have stopped. I found myself looking at the clock after every 15 minutes and I had to find something to do. I pushed myself up from the sofa and took out a vacuum cleaner and started to clean. Even tho my place was clean and even didn't need to be cleaned at the moment, I often found myself doing this when I was nervous, it was somehow relaxing. It was gonna be the first real date night with Aleksi and I hadn't been this nervous about a first date since Joel. The other guys I had in between, it never felt like this with them. They were all nice guys and there were feelings included, but it all felt different with Aleksi. I still remember the first time I realized that we were actually flirting with each others and that there was something between us. I came back home that night and I just couldn't get my thoughts away from him after that. Even the casual work messages we sent to each other started to include winking smiles and other flirty stuff. It was literally the same feeling when I first get involved with Joel years ago. And I know the feelings I'm feeling now are real, because I really loved Joel too back then.

When me and Joel started, we were still at school. At first it wasn't anything too serious, I was his best girl friend and Joonas was his best boy friend. We three hanged out a lot together and with the other band members. The guys were all childhood friends but I transferred to their school like on the 7th grade and somehow Joonas was the first who took me under his wing and we clicked so it was kind of written to the stars that me and Joel would also click. 

Even tho both of us had some relationships during school time, we didn't take them too seriously and we ended up doing stuff together more than once, even while in relationship with other people. He was my first kiss and the guy to who I lost my virginity to. Obviously being so close to each other and repeatedly cheating our school time partners with each others caused us a lot of trouble but we were kids back then, we didn't care. Joel was born hot and of course he got a lot of attention from the girls in school. And because I was with the guys all the time, most of the girls hated me for that. I didn't care but Joel did. There had been times when I got into fight with his that time girlfriends because they were jealous because Joel spent too much time with me and it ended with Joel defending me instead his girlfriend. My boyfriends also never understood that why the hell I was hanging rather with Joel than with them, but he was the only guy I felt myself comfortable with. That might also be the cause why I never let any other guy too close to me. What ever I was doing for the first time, it was always with Joel. Always.

But it still took seven years for him to ask if we should just make it official because "we're together all the time anyways", like he said. That made us 20 at that time. We were old enough to realize that we were actually in love with each others and had been the whole time. We moved in together quite fast, it seemed a good idea because well, we knew each others for so long at that time. We were happy, really happy. Everything was perfect. I started to work with the band and it seemed all just work out fine. We always kept it professional at work and didn't talk about the "home stuff" there and vice versa, if there wasn't really something that needed to be dealt right away or so. Even the guys wondered that how the hell we made it work without arguments and without getting tired of seeing each others all the time.

At some point we just started to argue about some random stuff and as much as I tried to understand him and support him with his emotional problems and everything, I just couldn't be in a relationship with him anymore. I promised to be there for him no matter what, listen him and help him fight his demons, but I couldn't do it anymore as his girlfriend because I could tell that he wasn't sharing it all with me. He understood it and it was our mutual decision to continue as friends. And it worked just perfectly for us even tho I was having hard time adjusting to the fact that we were only friends again but I hid it from him. Yes it was a decision we made together and it was in order to not ruin the bond we had, I still felt empty.