Under or Over: Hawkeye & Black Widow

CHAPTER #19

Since Romanoff had trusted Tony Stark with her privacy, so now Clint did too. "We're dropping off the S.H.E.I.L.D. radar for a while," he said after explaining her state of mind. "You're sure no one can find us here, except you?"

"I'm sure. I checked all satellite imaging and you cannot be seen. Let me know if I can help otherwise."

"Well I have a sample of her blood I need tested, just to make sure she wont get really sick later."

"Meet me at the bottom of the mountain, tomorrow afternoon," Tony sighed.

"Thanks," Clint said and hung up. "Nat?"

She hadn't moved since getting out of the jeep. Romanoff looked at him when he said her name, but said nothing. After the adrenaline had left and she was no longer hunting HYDRA men, her mind dwelled on the scene. But it was not present day that was haunting her while she was awake, it was the past. Seeing those children, had triggered something inside her. Mind and emotions were exposed. She tried to shut them down, but it didn't work, not this time.

Barton knew the next few days would be dangerous to be around her, but he hadn't abandoned her before and he wouldn't now. If anyone could help her now, it was him. Clint got her to follow him, "come on in and check out the cabin. I stay here when I need to get away and relax. It's not as fancy as your compound, but it's comfortable."

He unlocked the door to the wood cabin. It was tucked away under a bunch of trees, so from overhead a low flying plane couldn't even see it. It was painted to match the trees and on the ground it blended into the mountain side. No cloaking mirrors, just paint that camouflaged. It wasn't a small cabin. It had electricity due to solar panels hidden on the mountain, running water and a fully functional kitchen and bathroom. There was a fireplace to help keep the place warm. One bedroom and a loft with another bed, a small living room with a table and chairs, that doubled as the dining room.

The normality of it all, finally had Natasha speak. "How do you have running water?"

His plan was working already. "The mountain has a spring. The piping taps into that underground, so that there is always running water."

"That's brilliant. How come I never knew about this place before?" Natasha asked.

"We all have our secrets," Clint smirked.

He dumped his pack on the floor, took out his bow and quiver. He placed them on pegs by the door. "You can hang your guns here if you want," Clint said pointing to some empty pegs.

She nodded and did as he had. Then watched him go to a cupboard, pull out a bottle of vodka and whiskey, two glasses and put them on the table. Next Barton checked the freezer and fridge to see what they had for food. He took something frozen out of the freezer and put it on the counter. Next she watched him sit down at the table, he waived her over.

"You're going to tell me what happened back there in Manilla, even if it takes all day and all night," Clint said gently as he poured her a glass of the clear alcohol.

"You saw what happened Clint," Natasha replied.

He gave her a look, downed his shot and refilled both of their glasses. "Black Widow lost control and went on a killing rampage. Why?"

She tried to dodge his questions, but he knew her skill and it didn't work on him this time. Eventually Natasha answered him, "it reminded me of my past and I had a chance to make them pay. They were hurting us."

As she talked, he refilled her glass. He knew she'd try to drink herself numb and not answer his questions, so Barton kept the bottle and decided when to refill her glass. The light outside faded as the sun moved behind the mountain and trees, but Romanoff still was refusing to open up. He didn't relent. He made them dinner, but his questions continued. When she got agitated, Barton waited her out. She had no where to hide or run, so this time he'd make her open up about her past demons.

"When the man sits on your chest in your dreams, that was real?" Clint asked.

"Yes."

"Does he force you to do things you don't want to do?"

Again she answered, "yes."

"So you have no control, you are powerless and he can do whatever he wants to you?"

Tears begin to pour down her face, but no other emotion showed. "Yes."

"And he does. He does vial things to you. Your mind is screaming for him to stop?"

"Yes. Some sounds came out of me, like an animal in a trap." Natasha's body was shaking uncontrollably, "it turned him on, because he knew I was fighting him."

Clint was having a hard time not reacting to the information, but he had to show nothing and keep his voice monotone. "So how did you not loose your mind?"

"I did," she sobbed. "I had an out of body experience. I floated above myself, watching everything, but not feeling it. It was the only way to escape. The next time he did it, I focused on hate and killing him."

Now Clint had to ask the hardest question, "do you blame yourself for what happened? Do you feel guilty?"

"YES! Damn it!" Natasha screamed, completely falling apart, crumpling to the floor in the middle of the cabin.

Barton finally took her into his arms. She fought him, screamed at him, but he held on. He knew she'd been trained to never let out her emotion, to always control it. Years of repressing it all, was coming out. Romanoff was a raw nerve, but unlike Banner it couldn't manifest into a raging green giant that smashed everything in it's path. This was different than the last time he had saved her from herself, because he had never really understood. After Loki took over his mind, forcing him to do things he didn't want to do and being helpless to control what was happening, that changed his perception.

Clint forced her to look him in the eyes, while he explained. "You were a child, you had no choice. Nothing you could do would have changed what happened. Even now, with all your training and skills, if you're body was drugged to be immobile, there is nothing you can do. You should have no guilt or blame, the adults who put you in that position, who abused you.... it's all on them. They are not normal, but monsters."

Natasha's eyes searched his and saw no pity, just understanding and strength. "Are you sure? It's not on me? I should've run away, fought them until my death, before the needle entered my flesh."

"Not on you. Even if you had fought them, they were in control the whole time and would have stopped you. From what you have told me, there was no chance to do any of that. But talking about it to me, not reliving it in your dreams, that you can change. Don't let them win in the end. You're a strong woman and you can stop their hold on you. You work for the 'good guys' and you protect the innocent. You can kick any man's ass, even aliens and monsters too."

She sighed and slumped in his arms. She was spent and a little drunk. "I'm so tired," Natasha said.

Clint picked her up and put her on the bed, of the ground level room. "Rest now Tasha."

"Clint... thank you...but don't go... please."

"I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here. Go on, sleep now." He didn't get onto the bed with her and didn't stay in the room. But the door was left open. Barton was sure this would be one night, that she wouldn't need him to wake her.

He put some wood into the fireplace and got a fire going. The way the trees hung over the chimney, filtered the smoke and dispersed it, so no one could see its plume in the air. Barton put away the bottles and did the dishes. After changing into his track pants and t-shirt, he sat in the living room, just watching the dancing flames, he ended up passing out on the couch.

** ~ ~ ~ ~ ~**~ ~ ~ ~ ~ **

Natasha had the dream again, but this time she said "NO, it's not my fault," and the dream faded away, without waking her. Finally she had defeated their hold on her mind. She was free of her demons.

The next few days, they spent at the cabin. Her blood work ended up being okay, so no health worries. She still had the dream, but it wasn't as bad and eventually they stopped too. When Romanoff had fully returned back to her normal self, they talked about what they would report to Director Fury for their absence. Then they left the cabin and went back to Manhattan, before calling for transport back to the airship.