To My Youth [BL]

[35] The Back Fades into the Crowd (3/3)

"I'm going... to go."

Lan Yuning was a complete mess. Still trembling uncontrollably, his eyes welled with stinging tears that came not from his mind, but from his heart. 

Without sparing a single second, he turned around and prepared to take off.

"Wait," Gu Xiao called, and reached for his wrist, only to have Lan Yuning smack his hand away.

In this dark night, Lan Yuning's bloodshot eyes, his uneasiness and the moist tears that had flowed within for a long time, all poured out in that moment. 

His glare forced Gu Xiao to falter, and all he could feel was a swirl of chaotic helplessness. 

No matter what he said, he had already hurt him far enough. 

Gu Xiao hesitantly withdrew his hand back and his mouth opened to speak, but nothing came out of his throat except this specific name.

"Please, Lan Yuning...!"

Once again, Gu Xiao grasped Lan Yuning's wrist and tried to pull him back. 

If he was to let him go right now, he would definitely regret this day forever. This regret and guilt would continue to haunt and torture him. 

Yet Gu Xiao knew he deserved it. This torture.

Lan Yuning tried to shake off Gu Xiao's grip, but all of his energy had already been drained that he found it tiring to just stand.

He gritted his teeth. "Let go of me."

Gu Xiao's eyes widened, and he slowly loosened his grasp, yet Lan Yuning didn't pull his arm back immediately.

 Instead, he continued to glare at Gu Xiao as his tears rolled down his crimson cheeks, all vitality leaving his flaring face.

"You know that I... I'm stupid so... If you keep being so nice to me. If you keep smiling at me. If you keep treating me so warmly that it makes me forget about everything, I... I'll just get even more attached to you. I'll end up liking you even more. So please... don't talk to me anymore... I'm scared that once you leave, I'll be in an even more mess than I am right now."

Gu Xiao wanted to embrace him. He wanted to tell him to not be upset. He wanted to apologise to him. 

There were so many things he wanted to say that there was not enough time. 

Like always, it was always the wrong timing. He had not learnt a single thing at all. 

Had he treaded through all of that, only to become the person who he was now? 

No, he had learnt to not repeat the same mistakes. He couldn't let these loose threads remain untied, or else...

"Every word I told you back in the infirmary was sincere. I never meant to appear that I was playing around or trying to make a fool out of you. Please..."

"I know," Lan Yuning sniffled. "I know... so that's why...."

All Gu Xiao could do was watch him avoid eye contact, and his feet were already preparing to run away. Run and run. He was going to run somewhere far away. Out of reach.

"I should go," Lan Yuning grumbled before Gu Xiao reluctantly let go of his arm.

"I'm... sorry. I'm so sorry..."

Once again, all he could do was swallow the words that he wanted to cry aloud. 

Though it might be shameless for him to express his feelings, he wished Lan Yuning to be happy. 

He wished everyone to be happy.

If they were happy, then that was all that mattered.

It was painful, really painful.

Without exchanging anymore words, Lan Yuning turned and walked away. 

He fastened his pace, wiped his tears, and never turned back. They would soon be thousands of kilometers apart, and all Gu Xiao could feel was the distance between them ripping larger and larger. 

Little by little, a hole reformed in his heart. But this time, it was different. They had no choice but to keep walking along.

There was once a time when the seagull flew down the path that shone with scintillating light, but one day, that path suddenly vanished, and the seagull faced an empty space.

 The bird didn't know where to go, and when it glanced back, the path he trudged on was no longer there, and its footprints had been washed away by the upcoming waves. 

So, it had no choice but to keep flying forward.

It was a directionless road to nowhere.

Suddenly, that path started lighting up again, but it was a different light. This light was harsher than usual. It burned the seagull until it smouldered into ashes. 

Dead as the dust floating on the stars. 

There was no point in forcing himself to return to his past self because that boy had already dispersed with the autumn wind, and the only way to continue living but to nurture the one that was breathing now.