To My Youth [BL]

[12] When the Light Chased Him (2/3)

"Just about your personality and..." Zhang Yongyin's thoughts swallowed his mind, and he added, "And a lot of other things. I don't really want to go into too much detail."

A face of indifference pasted on Lan Yuning's expression, since he wasn't that surprised. If they were going to slag him, they should at least talk about something more interesting.

"How could they spread rumours like that after following you like some brainless sheep? But you know... Gu Xiao, he... although you might just see him as someone annoying and this... how should I put this? Ah..."

Zhang Yongyin scratched his head and tried to look for words to form his sentence. Lan Yuning sipped on the drink quietly and waited patiently.

When the beverage went into his mouth, Lan Yuning furrowed his brows and pulled away from the straw.

It was strawberry milk.

When did he buy this drink? It seemed like ever since he met Gu Xiao, this milk brand always shone amongst the other beverages.

As though his eyes were now cursed, every time Lan Yuning passed by a vending machine or the fridge in a convenience store, all he saw was this beverage.

"It probably looked like Gu Xiao did something extremely rash and stupid, didn't it?"

The cafeteria grew louder, with the noise levels rising because more people lined up and ate at the surrounding tables. But even so, the two still felt a pressuring silence lingering between them.

Zhang Yongyin locked eye contact with Lan Yuning, and he saw the immense amount of trust reflecting from his brown-coloured eyes.

"I'm not sure if I should say this... just don't tell Gu Xiao I'm saying this," Zhang Yongyin mumbled.

"Then should you be saying this to me?"

"I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid that I'll reveal his deepest and darkest secrets. As shocking as it may sound, Gu Xiao used to be an extremely smart person back in our old school. Not me though."

"There were these two other people that we used to hang out with were sort of... I don't know, had a lot going on with them. Now that I think about it, all four of us were slightly deranged. Well, at the end of our third junior year, a few fights and disagreements happened with our two friends and our classmates and... other things. That's why Gu Xiao moved to Beijing."

Zhang Yongyin allowed his thoughts to run ahead of him and let his mouth spill out everything in his crammed head. At one point, he wasn't sure what he was even saying anymore.

"And, of course, I followed him when he moved. I know it sounds stupid, but he's my only close friend, and if I stayed at our old school, I would've probably been so... messed up. A part of why he acts like this... or why he does what he does... I don't know... Many people just assume it's because he doesn't care and just enjoys playing around, but he has a reason..."

As Zhang Yongyin tried to find something good to say, he placed his chopsticks down and crossed his arms.

"Actually, he's quite stupid now that I think about it. He keeps thinking of himself as selfish, and I don't know why. That's why people might find me to be foolish or him to be foolish for behaving rashly... but he has his reasons. He is a cowardly person. He's been exhausted by torment, but he's good-hearted."

Looking back, Gu Xiao seemed like someone who had nothing to hide. Speaking so freely about himself and others, exposing personal details jokingly, looking at everything nonchalantly.

It was like he was stepping on clouds, constantly drifting with such lightness.

Lan Yuning always thought he was someone who held no regrets at all, but it seemed like he was wrong. He knew there was something strange behind Gu Xiao's character, but he couldn't help but drown in guilt.

Everyone had something that constantly haunted them, and it was difficult to let everything go and move on instead of running away.

Gu Xiao still had these intricate, profound feelings that were swept away by the wind, yet remained as a scar on his heart.

There were still some parts that still acted like a needle pointing at his chest. And this needle would never completely disappear, only suppressed.

"But don't worry since the past is the past. I'm only just talking about two to three years ago, so I hope I didn't ruin the atmosphere. Everything that Class Rep said reminded him of a terrible memory in our old school, so..."

Lan Yuning nodded once, continuing to sip on the drink.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"You don't need to answer if you're not comfortable, but why would you have ended up as a mess if you stayed in Shanghai?"

"Ah, so," Zhang Yongyin fiddled with his chopsticks.

"This might be a long story, but I will try to shorten it. Staying in Shanghai, the pressure and expectations of others really influence the way you need to behave."

"It is the same anywhere, I guess, but the school we went to was really shit. Not academically, but the people there were shit, so naturally, I had a pretty bad mentality. It was a really stressful place considering how I wasn't academically fit, but I wasn't that dumb either."

Lan Yuning nodded.

"As you know, I do taekwondo, but I actually took a really big break because of an accident in one of the tournaments. I was always more of a sports person. Instead of studying, I focused on taekwondo. I was pretty focused on it and entered a lot of competitions despite my age."

Zhang Yongyin continued, "My teacher was extremely strict, and it didn't help with the pressure from school and fellow martial artists since I was representing them for the Annual Youth Tournament. And by strict, I mean our coach would beat us with a stick or his own hands like a drunk madman if we made mistakes."

"He would beat us until no noises could leave our throats. Some students would go home with a bloodied back, but strangely, none of the parents complained."

He spoke under the influence of a powerful emotion while managing to explain the story in detail to Lan Yuning. Zhang Yongyin rarely cared to speak of this memory to anyone, let alone find any reason to retell this story. But now, everything swarmed out.

"I was extremely desperate to win the Annual Youth Tournament to keep my reputation. Would you believe it if I said I was the one starting fights more than Gu Xiao? Not in a formal taekwondo setting, but in street fights."

"Since I had this idea inside my head that I needed to be the best at taekwondo, I always indulged in pointless fights whenever my schoolmates pissed me off just to validate that I was strong. I... I will skip a few parts, but you can just imagine the craziness that came over me prior to the competition."

Zhang Yongyin fiddled with the tip of his fingers. "Gu Xiao would constantly tell me how I should stop going to my coach because I was destroying myself, but I dismissed his words. I knew it was wrong myself, and I knew what I was doing was wrong too!"

"My mental health really plummeted because of my coach, but I couldn't stop, you know? My coach was the reason why my skills were better than those my age. I was a bit crazy. I loved seeing people I went up against cower in fear."

"During the final round of the tournament... I was near to losing. I felt like I was going to die when I saw my teacher next to the stadium, watching me. 'If I lost, then what would become of me? How can this kid in front of me be better than me? Was all of that for nothing?' was what I thought. How stupid of me, right? I was only fourteen, but I thought my entire world would end if I lost."

"It wasn't your fault," Lan Yuning said, and Zhang Yongyin drowned in his thoughts.

"No, it is. Because what I did next was purely my choice too. I was so angry that I kicked my opponent's head extremely hard and... before I knew it, his head protection was off... and I kicked him again. And again and again... and again."

"All I remember were the paramedics who came rushing in. Blood was leaking from his skull, but I kept kicking him. I nearly murdered someone, Student President. Because of my rage, I nearly killed someone. To be labelled a murderer at that age. Did you know how I felt?"