To My Youth [BL]

[21] Hidden Feelings (1/2)

𝘖𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩. 𝘛𝘸𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘴. 𝘛𝘩𝘳𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘴.

FOUR YEARS AGO, on a particular Saturday, the intricate feelings of a certain person came out to the light.

Saturday was the day when Gu Xiao and Gu Heiyu stayed over at their mother's place.

With the constant switch between houses, the rip of detachment gradually tore larger, little by little, until it became impossible to stitch back together.

The smell of autumn was in the air, as leaves littered across the paths and stuck on the windows.

They were not financially struggling due to their mother's stable jobs. Gu Heiyu was currently in piano classes, and after her lessons, she had to attend cram school.

Gu Xiao slept in his room. No, it wasn't his room. It was simply just a room that he was granted permission to sleep in.

Compared to their father's house, their mother's house was spotless, and every time they moved, it was like travelling to a different world.

Within their father's home, the filth of mouldy fruit skins clung to the corner of the rooms. Empty cans used for ashtrays held mounds of cigarette butts, and the indefinable dirt clung to all the bowls and dishes on the shelves.

The floors were littered with empty alcohol bottles and dirtied clothes that reeked of cigarettes.

It never occurred to anyone to sweep up and throw these things in the bin. Any wind that blew through would raise clouds of dust.

It didn't matter if he was sleeping in this pristine home of their mother's new family or whether he was sleeping in that horrendous house of their father's. Both were painful to live in at that time.

Gu Xiao slept soundly on the bed, providing the impression that not even the loudest explosion could shock his mind awake.

✎✎✎

He Rong came back home and he strolled towards Gu Xiao's room. The door was slightly opened, so He Rong peeked through the gaps, only to see that boy sleeping soundly.

His chest would elevate and lower from each breath, yet the sounds of his breaths couldn't be heard.

"Gu Xiao?" he called.

He Rong walked in and lowered himself down to meet at the same level as the bed. The autumn sun cast a subtle shadow over the sleeping boy's cheeks from his lashes.

A prick of sourness polluted his chest. He watched Gu Xiao, who had his eyelids rested, and touched those slightly separated lips with the tip of his fingers, gliding it across the surface.

He knew Gu Xiao never cared about his immaturity, let alone care about his personal life even if they lived together.

Nothing He Rong did affected him. And even if He Rong's immature actions impacted him, he would always fix it before it grew worse.

Although Gu Heiyu was extremely vocal and expressive of her hate for him, Gu Xiao never really cared. After all, nothing good would come out of starting fights with family members.

Family members. This was the part He Rong hated. They were no longer just friends, no longer just classmates.

They were family.

Yet, this familial bond was sickening. He didn't want to be Gu Xiao's brother.

He didn't want to be seen as the son of his mother's new husband. They had a normal relationship during their first few years of junior high school, so why must their relationship drive off in this direction?

He didn't understand why Gu Xiao always looked at him with eyes smeared with disappointment. It was always those clouded eyes that looked down on him.

Yet Gu Xiao had never been rude to him, nor was he ever violent. In fact, he was incredibly patient. He was so patient and understanding that it hurt because the kindness he showed never only belonged to him.

Seeing him treat others so closely while there was this permanent barrier between them ached his heart. Gu Xiao never once came to him.

It was always Zhang Yongyin or Wu Fei. When it wasn't either of the two, he still wouldn't choose him. He would go to someone else—some other random person, just like that boy in cram school.

He Rong hated his father for marrying their mother. If they didn't get married to each other, perhaps this sleeping boy would finally look at him and only him.

He wanted him to only look at him. To belong to him. He wanted to keep him in a place where no one could see him.

He Rong found his head bending in closer, watching the boy sleep. When He Rong tried to isolate Zhang Yongyin from their classmates because of his jealousy back in high school—he was the reason Zhang Yongyin's taekwondo incident erupted too—everyone believed He Rong's words.

It was a childish rumour, but no one knew who started it. People avoided Zhang Yongyin. However, those gossips gradually died down after a few days when Gu Xiao thwarted the rumour and centred it around him instead, turning these hurtful words into a simple joke.

In the end, their classmates laughed everything off and forgot about it. He Rong was aware that Gu Xiao knew it was him who started it yet, he didn't get mad at him.

He simply just looked at his stepbrother with no emotion at all.

There wasn't even a tinge of disappointment, and he didn't utter a single word to him at home.

After all, they were family.

It wouldn't be good to stir bad blood. Even then, he didn't do it for He Rong's sake. He did it for his mother's sake. Every mess he created; Gu Xiao cleaned it up for him.

Now, He Rong had started rumours again with Wu Fei, but it appeared that Gu Xiao hadn't realised it yet. He didn't dislike Wu Fei at first. But he soon hated him for taking all of Gu Xiao's attention away, just like everybody else. It was this obsession.

"This is all your fault."

At first, He Rong was afraid that his feelings for Gu Xiao would come to light and ruin their friendship, because he genuinely enjoyed hanging out with the four of them. But it was different now.

His feelings for Gu Xiao were growing out of control that he hated all those who went near him.

There wasn't even once when Gu Xiao turned to look at him. There wasn't even once when this boy believed his words or took his side.

He leaned in and inclined his face towards the sleeping boy. Slowly and gradually, their faces were only a finger apart.

Their lips met. He Rong pressed down slowly and sunk his lips deeper while ensuring Gu Xiao wouldn't wake up.

He slightly parted his head before pecking Gu Xiao's lips once again. To kiss him in his sleep. This was the only moment of ecstasy.

The truth was, the reason why that wealthy boy from cram school had fallen for him was because of Gu Xiao.