To My Youth [BL]

[11] Until the Seagulls Drown My Voice (4/5)

"You have tried your best? It sure is not showing. You have only a few years in which really to live. When your youth goes, you'll suddenly discover that there are no triumphs left for you and realise you have truly wasted your time doing things that mean nothing in the future. Every month passing brings you nearer to something dreadful. I once knew someone who was like you. They have become hollow and dull-eyed. They now suffer horribly," Mr. Shen said.

Gu Xiao's inner discrepancy of listless dejection wasn't even solely because of school, but Mr. Shen made it seem like it was. It was only a tiny percent of the reason for his current state.

"Maybe if you try harder, then your outcome will be different. Instead of destroying yourself by misbehaving, you should put some more effort and see how rewarding it will be."

He had already tried his best. Before and now. What more could he do? He thought he was doing well enough by even just surviving each day.

Back then, Gu Xiao thought he was doing fine if he managed to clean his room and eat three meals. But now, this was just the bare minimum.

"Being told I'm not trying hard enough... I tried to put in the effort, so I didn't disappoint anyone because I hated myself for disappointing everyone. I really, really hated myself, and I really tried my best. But each time I tried..."

But while he was trying his best to return to his past self that only attracted praise and admiration, it wasn't enough.

He could no longer return to how he used to be, yet they all kept pestering him to do so.

That person that everybody once loved had already rotted two years ago, alone on the shore, and perhaps Gu Xiao was at the point of no return.

"To go back to who I was before, I think it's quite pointless."

There was no one to recognise his struggles, rather, even he invalidated his own efforts. Also, his father. When that one person who he wished would care, would never care at all?

Every time his father came back home reeking of alcohol, the time when loan sharks came to beat him up instead of their father, after he vanished, when their mother remarried and then passed away, when barely anyone at that funeral even cared. All of it. He really, really tried to endure it all.

And the first thing he heard from everyone was:

"I am disappointed in you."

"I expected better."

"What happened to you? You used to be way better than this before."

Perhaps the validation he sought would never exist. Some were unaware of where they were headed in life, and there was no one directing his path.

With every step he took, it was as though he was treading on ticking explosives that could erupt any second.

Sometimes, when he didn't do well at school, or if he skipped classes, or if he got into fights, perhaps a part of it was because he wanted the school to call their father.

He wanted their father to show up just once and show just even a tiny ounce of care.

Perhaps he was too greedy for just wanting his father, or just anyone to ask him, 'Why did you fight?' or 'Why did you skip school?' Was that so difficult? Maybe it was. It was always about not putting in enough effort.

Gu Xiao knew he wasn't good enough. He clearly knew he wasn't good enough to make others proud.

He simply desired someone, anyone, to ask him, 'what is wrong?' without linking it with how disappointed they were with him. Without linking it to how this behaviour was expected of him. Was he really just asking for too much?

That was why, when Lan Yuning asked him whether or not he was okay, it was something so foreign. If he responded with, 'No. I am not.' then maybe he would've felt better.

"Mr. Shen, I may not be like Wang Xing, Lan Yuning, or Song Anwen, or even like what I was back in Shanghai, but I... tried. I... really tried. But every time I am proud of something I do, all people say is that it's not good enough."

Gu Xiao was unsure of what he was saying, and he wanted his mouth to shut up. He had his own goals. He had things he liked. Things he didn't like. He wondered if it would hurt to even say, 'I am proud of you.'

He still tried so hard. Despite everything that happened, he still tried. But he couldn't! It was too hard. Yes, he was a coward. It was exactly what he said.

He forced himself to tread through those months two years ago, but he couldn't! He was foolish. He was a disaster. He misbehaved. But had anyone ever thought about what he was feeling at that time?

Even right after he punched Wang Xing. He had his own reasons too. Was he being too selfish? Was it that hard to just ask why he did it? Resorting to violence was surely not the answer, but at this point, he couldn't care less because there was no one to stop him except for his conscience.

Mr. Shen silently listened to the boy, whose eyes gradually reddened. Although he was beaten to such a state, his voice still made it to Mr. Shen's ears, whose eyes rounded in surprise.

He tried his best to choke back his words, but it had been too long. The emotions that he buried beneath his heart, only to be left to wither away, had made their way to the surface.

"I know I don't belong with these students who glue their faces to the table. But I..."

The only time everyone won't look at him with such disappointment was if he acted like this. When things get too tough, just give up.

If only he could just give up, then he would have done it a long time ago, but he couldn't bring himself to.

He wanted to give up, but if he did, then what would he say? It would only torment him. Did they know how much it hurt?

Did he know how much his words made absolutely no sense at all? Was he immune to such emotions? He was sorry for being weak. He was sorry that he constantly disappointed everyone. But he was truly too tired.

Realising what he blurted out, Gu Xiao gathered every last of his composure and let out a sigh. Gradually, the same empty smile played over his lips.

"...This is what everyone expects from me, anyway."

He stepped back, his smile immediately falling off, and headed out of the office, leaving Mr. Shen to watch the back disappear out of his sight.