To My Youth [BL]

[18] Swallowing the Ashes (2/4)

"Using people?" Gu Xiao repeated in confusion.

With those words acting as an arrow to Lan Yuning's heart, forcing it to tremble as waves beat relentlessly within his chest, he simply stood still in silence.

Gu Xiao received Lan Yuning's expression with a distasteful scorn towards He Rong that his eyes and feet refused to move away from him.

Yet, it was strange.

There was a peculiar suggestion that the trigger to He Rong's sourness towards him only spiked after seeing Lan Yuning next to him.

A momentary silence exchanged between the three until Gu Xiao burst into a brief chuckle, making both He Rong and Lan Yuning glance at the boy, who was rubbing his tears away.

Confusion spread across their faces while he tried to stop his lips from trembling with amusement.

As Gu Xiao looked back upon the boy with the buzz-cut, he was haunted by a feeling of loss, but he found it so familiar that it was fascinating.

Those words were the exact words He Rong said back then, and it was still the same. So much he had surrendered and for such little purpose! To think he lived through that self-torture and denial, which resulted in such degradation that he had sought to escape, only to see the one who was part of the reason for the boy's death behave the same.

"He Rong, you really have not changed."

He wasn't angry at He Rong. He was just surprised to see him after two years because he genuinely felt sorry that he disappeared without a word and completely cut off all contact with him after spending the majority of their lives together. But now that he realised He Rong was still targeting those around him with those exact words, a spike of disappointment stirred in him.

He walked towards He Rong, and a haughtily condescending smile played over his lips.

"Do you always enjoy talking like that about everyone? I do not quite understand how you have no guilty conscience for what you do."

Strangely, Gu Xiao didn't notice it before since the scent of chlorine overlapped with numerous other scents, but the smell of cigarettes was strong when he approached closer to He Rong.

"Gu Xiao, do I really need to drill it in your head that Wu Fei's death wasn't entirely my fault? I wasn't the only one who started literally abusing him in the classroom every day! He just had to cause so much trouble even though it wasn't even that serious at first."

Wu Fei.

The last words Wu Fei said to him before he stepped on that building resonated in his head. The final scene of Wu Fei was inside the dull classroom.

Those remarks spouted by He Rong took a definite form of the ghosts of the past, and those hands pulled down Gu Xiao's feet.

Those bloodstained fingers gripped onto his ankles, stomach, chest, and neck, not allowing him to move or breathe at all.

Gradually, the events of that bitter morning crept into Gu Xiao's brain and reconstructed themselves there with terrible distinctness.

Gu Xiao winced at the memory of all that he had suffered because, in that moment, the same loathing he felt for He Rong reminded him of the same frustration he once felt for Wang Xing.

He ensured he kept his composure because he was afraid he might reveal something he had kept hidden for a long time in the spur of the moment.

His fear.

His guilt.

He wasn't sure if what he was saying was correct, but he no longer had any energy to be careful with his words.

"I'm not talking about that incident with Wu Fei. I'm talking about you. I'm talking about your behaviour during the time before all of that happened. I didn't say anything before, but when things become out of control for you, as long as you have someone else to pour it onto, it is fine, right?"

"Putting your insecurities onto someone else is fine, right? You once did the same to Zhang Yongyin, but it didn't work out. You did the same with my other friends, too. Then, you moved to Wu Fei. And I'm sure there were others too," he said and glanced at Lan Yuning, then returned his gaze back to He Rong.

"So, is it my turn now? Will seeing me end my life make you happy? Truly, there were times when I wondered, if I was to end my life, would you go around and tell people it was just a joke or a mistake?"

An instant quietness lingered in the air once again as both Lan Yuning and He Rong widened their eyes.

Shadows crept over the floor, and low patches of clouds loomed over the park, slowly drifting like wandering spirits each time the wind breathed. Still, it was remarkably silent.

Even with the children's voices and the rustles of the leaves, the tension was louder than all of these noises combined.

He Rong began stammering, and the colour in his cheeks flushed out.

Seeing He Rong stutter, Gu Xiao let out a shallow sigh. He was so confident in pouring everything onto him, but now he couldn't speak a single word. It appeared he had struck the correct chord or an arrow that landed straight on the target.

He Rong gathered every word and thought that emerged in his mind and seethed, "Say whatever you want, but what do you want me to do? Bring him back from the dead? Take what I said back? It's already too late, so there's no point in feeling guilty. What more do you want me to do? I already admitted that I was careless with my words, but Wu Fei should've spoken up himself if he was uncomfortable. Did he expect us all to be mind readers?"

"Also, aren't you being hypocritical? You once told me the present was all that mattered, so why are you still dwelling on the past? If you want to make me seem like such a bad person, why didn't you prevent our classmates from talking about him? I'm sure it was because you were also afraid of being lumped with him. You were disgusted with him too, weren't you? Anyone would be. Did you not read his diary where he wrote all of that about you? Knowing that someone who had been with you since pre-school had those thoughts about you, were you not disgusted? The fact that he even had to write his thoughts in that diary is weird!"

The diary.

Gu Xiao listened, focusing on every word and action He Rong was currently offering. During those past years of estrangement, he developed a strange interest and skill in deciphering these trivial details.

He Rong was afraid of something, but he didn't stop talking. The more he spoke, the more holes and flaws Gu Xiao discovered in his speech.

If He Rong was that afraid and pushed to the edge, wouldn't it be better if he just stayed silent? He said he wasn't feeling guilty, and it was true. He wasn't feeling guilty about what he did to Wu Fei solely, but something else.

He Rong should have known these feelings of shame would crawl after him into the future. It was inevitable.

Even if he said he felt no responsibility, it was evident in the panic in his eyes, as those days constantly haunted him. But even so, he didn't admit he was a part of it. He swapped this terror for hatred.