Hey, girl! I'm sad but before I whine, just wanna say I'll get back to updating Micki Wall probably after I get back from my trip. So expect an update in the last week or so of June. I'll update the other stories, too. What I've been doing is trying to find ways to make the days go by faster 'cause this break has been ROUGH 😂. You gotta understand, I haven't been in this house for this long in the whole six or so years I've been here. I'm never here for longer than three months at a time. It's been... *checks watch* ... about three months 😂, and knowing I have another month and a half to go drives me fucking inSANE lmao. I've been doing little shit like ordering different things and setting calendars for when it gets here, to get me a little excited. Like yay, I got through three whole days lmao. Ridiculous lmao. I'm moving the fuck outta here as soon as I graduate lmao. This is ghetto. Somebody commented asking me when I would update but I ain't feel like answering it so I'll just put it here lmfao. It's extra but whatever.
Also, why the fuck did I write a whole review of a movie on here?!?! LMFAOOOOO what the fuck do I be thinking about? I really am lead by my emotions and not so much logic cuz here I am, finna tell y'all my business once again. I don't know what could possibly come out of this except somebody eventually coming across it and realizing I mentioned them lmfao. But I don't feel like I can actually talk to anybody about it in real time because I hate even acknowledging the fact that I have feelings other than annoyance and joy lmfao. I do not talk to people about romance at all. I am about 92% jokes and 8% shit talking when I converse with other people. There's a whole 'nother layer to me that few people have ever accessed. Sometimes a nigga be soft and vulnerable and stuff. Only sometimes, though. It's so trash lmao so that's why I don't like to talk about it "out loud", I guess. I don't feel comfortable with showing this side of me. If this journal ever got exposed, I'm sure multiple people would belike "you could have told me", but no, that's ghetto. But I'd be so offended if they felt like they couldn't talk to me lmfao. Like I make sure to remind these niggas that I'm there, but I get it. I hate when people need to get something off their chest, but then they don't lmfao. I'd rather be stressed out by their situation over them letting it fester in their brain lol. I can't help my desire to relieve people of stress, but I also can't help feeling like I oughta keep my romance woes to myself. It's a mess. You don't really feel like getting into all that stuff. I still don't really feel all the way cool with letting it out but I'm gonna, lol. Otherwise ima keep being sad.
I am so OVER myself, girl. Completely and utterly. Like, it's SO annoying not having a partner, but the idea of having one also gets on my damn nerves. It's like sis.... pick a side lmfao. Anyway to combat the very, very, very unwelcome feelings of boredom and singleness, a nigga took her ass on those dating sites. Well, apparently the website automatically sent some girl a message saying I wanted to talk, and so she replied like "sure", but I was confused lol. Turns out they sent some ice breaker thing? I was like... "uhhhh... hey, that wasn't me butttt wassup" and we talked for a good while. Like this was beginning of March. With the exception of maybe a day or two in between, we never stopped communicating. Never really got anything out of it, tbh. Isn't that a mess? And now it's been... *checks notes* a week or so since I last replied and... nothing. The first time she left me on read I was like, "oh, it's probably something going on" or whatever but it's over for that lmao. I need niggas to seek me out and show me they actually wanna talk to me, and this goes for people, period honestly lmao. I'm not playing with these people. One thing I don't play with is appearing more eager to speak to you, than you to me lmfao. I don't hit people with the feelings first, and that is true with friendships, too. You wanna know how me and my old best friends became best friends? When they assigned themselves to me as their best friends lmfao. I literally recall my most recent best friend telling me that she referred to me as such to another person. A nigga was SHOCKED but I accepted 'cause we had gotten close lol. Sooooo to be honest, girl, I can't see anything really working out until I've already made 'em fall in love with me lmfao. I'm not even gonna give shit like this another thought lmao. My potential bae would probably not leave me on read and would probably demonstrate a real interest in whatever I bring up. Probably, I don't know. I feel like that's what I give off to people, so it's very annoying when I don't get the same in return. Like ugh, I've kind of started to let go of whatever this last shit even was. Dawg, I'm SO disappointed. SO disappointed. I might deactivate my FB again, that's how let down I feel lmfao. Like I don't know if I'm justified enough to feel like this but I feel so irritated and completely let down. Ugh, and I don't wanna feel like I'm dragging anybody because I could hit her with the "hey, I feel like blah blah blah" but I kind of feel like it's a waste of my time. Like.... it's just not even worth it lmfao. It's not. Bitch to put the icing on the cake, one of my friends messaged me today like, "bitch it's been a week what the fuck is going on?!" lmaoooooooo. I hadn't really been in the mood to talk to anybody 'cause I was irritated, all over Miss Girl. So, Instead of appreciating that somebody wants to talk to my black ass, I got even more annoyed that the other girl has yet to say anything. Lmfaoooo like I wanna curse her out on one hand, but also talk to her. Turns out I might actually like the bitch. This is sooooo ghetto. GHETTO!!! I just feel irritated because I feel like I gave a whole lot of myself and got basically nothing in return lmao. Like that's the true reason I'm actually not going to reach out, 'cause all it's going to be is me leading the conversation as fucking always. And whatever this shit is I feel is gon' have to run its course 'cause I'm absolutely over it.
I'm SO tired of having to keep a fucking conversation going, period. I always tell everybody I'm a mess and a half and have stories for days. Im always open about how random I am and let people know that I tend to be all over the damn place conversation wise. The reason for this is because I'm not a small talk kinda bitch. Never have been, never will be. Yet here I was, sliding into that realm just to keep talking to a nigga. I can't. It's over lmao. Fuck that.
The worst part about it is I can't even go back on those apps. Shit is so depressing lmfao. They literally make me sad. Like UGH. I hate them with a passion. With a PASSION. Looking at them makes me feel desperate. Looking at them makes me feel a deep shame lmao. Now, as moody as I am, I'll probably find some use for them but right now I can't. It's like bitch, I tried that whole route and I'm pretty much washing my hands of it. I figure I'll try it again once I get back on campus or something. Maybe by then I'll be all the way over this most recent fail. I'm so pissed lmfao.
Maybe I'll try the in-person thing.... but see the whole thing with that is, I'll actually have to talk to those niggas 😒The problem is, I don't even like talking forreal. I'm one of those people that, if I'm approached I'm always open to talking. I'm not one to start off a conversation if I'm not like, comfortable with you. I don't know how it goes for you queens that pick everybody up with no problem lmao. They flirt and be shocked they're in a relationship. Also, another note. I don't like that "I'm a flirt by nature" bull. I probably would actually go to jail jail behind shit like that. Don't fucking play with me lmao. I don't invest my feelings in other people very often, so when I do and I feel slighted, I get angry. Like, livid 😂. I'm only sad now 'cause I don't think anything was really there to really be angry over lmao. Do you know what I witnessed a few days ago? Apparently some people I went to school with in undergrad had some lil fling and the guy bragged about how he played her. I wanted to kill that nigga FOR her. The origin of the story had something to do with Jade lmfao. The one I mentioned in my earlier chapters lol. Mess. Anyway, this is what I force myself to think of when I get all sad about not having anyone. I'd rather this than be dead or in jail behind some bitch. I know I'll get out of this mood, but I can't break out of jail or a grave, probably. Idk, never say never lmao. Either way, I can't wait til I find somebody. It's gonna be great 'cause I'm a nice girl... I think. Like when moms be like "I want you to bring home a nice girl" they be talking 'bout me... maybe they didn't imagine that the girl they speak of would have a million and one piercings, a strong aversion to cinnamon and a deep seated hatred of poetry, but they be talmbout ME 😇. Getchu a me.... *blinks rapidly while remembering exactly WHAT I've written in this story*....what?
I probably told y'all too much of my business today. But hey, at least I'm not sad anymore*. I be dead serious when I say writing genuinely lifts my spirits lol. Okay, bye!
*i came back to edit some typos and remembered some more shit. so, yeah now I'm mad.
NOW.... IM FUCKING MAD 😡 *dances* 😂 Y'all remember that vine? No but forreal I'm over everything.