Please stream Tonight, while reading this chapter, trust me! If you don't, you are going to miss out on some serious emotional feel.
Seokjin's Pov:
Yoongi's home was surprisingly nice, although it was too white for my liking, it could use a splash of color. I was not sure how he was able to maintain his types of furniture. Jungkook and I could not keep white furniture, especially with Jae. He used to color everything when he was younger.
We replaced two living room sets because of him, even though Jungkook thought it would be cool to leave it as is, I didn't. Our living room was one of the places people usually stated when they visited.
"Do you like it?" Yoongi questioned, handing me a glass of wine as we sat by his fireplace in what he called his relaxation room.
"I do; it's quiet and peaceful here," I told him, taking a sip of the wine. He surprises me by feeding a small cube of cheese. "Wine and cheese are my favorite combination."
"Really? I am not much of a drinker. We have wine at home, but I don't drink it as often. My husband and I used to have nights were he would prepare dinner for us in the garden, and back then, I drank a lot. Now, it's a once in a while thing for me."
Yoongi looked at me and sighed, "I want to know more about you, Seokjin, like a lot about you, but I also want to hear less about your husband. I get it you are married, and clearly, it's not working out. Why is that exactly? Why is a handsome man like you so unhappy in your marriage?"
I turned the entire glass of wine to my head and leaned my head back onto the sofa. "I don't want to talk about him either, I am sorry. It's just been a lot, and it's hard to explain."
He poured me another glass of wine and handed me the glass, "it's okay, try me. Sometimes it's good to talk about the things that are bothering us. Tonight is all about you, so speak freely about anything, I won't judge."
I turned to face him and took another sip of the wine, "well, I don't know where to start exactly; that's the problem."
"Start wherever you want to. From yesterday, ten years ago, it doesn't matter to me; all that matters is me getting to know you."
"You are weird; I am not used to being so soft."
"Well, I have wine, and I have you here with me, I tend to be a sucker for both, so I guess it makes me soft." He smiled, a smile I didn't get to see very often, but it made me smile.
"You are cute."
"No, I am sexy, but let's not change the subject. As much as I want to strip you naked, I also want to know what's going on in that pretty head of yours."
Turning the glass of wine to my head, I finished it and handed him the glass, "okay, another please and fine, I will share some stuff, but I am going to need the entire bottle to do that."
"Nope, no more wine. I want you sober, and I have a feeling that drunk Jin will drive me crazy."
I giggled and leaned my head back; he might be right. "Fine. So, as you can imagine, I got married young. I met this fine ass man, and common sense left my body. Not even six months after meeting him, I got pregnant. I gave him my virginity without even thinking twice about it. He was romantic, sweet, caring, loving, very, very charming, and sexy, like really hot.
I didn't think men like him exist until I met him. Therefore, I felt lucky to have the chance to be with someone like him. Everyone and I mean everyone was against us, especially after I got pregnant. At first, I didn't want to tell him, and I tried to hide, maybe get an abortion, you know. I am in college, plans were to be a doctor, make my parent proud, but not even a year in school, and I am pregnant. Not the news you want to give your parents, but it happened. I told him, and he didn't disregard me or anything, he surprised me by saying we should keep it, but if I wanted to. I couldn't look into his eyes and say no, he was looking at me with pure love, and I fell facedown for it.
So, I did what anyone would do in that situation. I kept it and guess what I accepted a marriage proposal. Why? I don't even fucking know. I think it made sense; my parents were being assholes. My friends were judgmental, and I hated it. They were telling me he was going to leave me, and our marriage wasn't going to work.
I was making two mistakes having a baby and marrying a man I barely knew. I hated them for saying that and wanted to prove them wrong. So I married him, moved in with him, and decided to show the world we were perfect for each other, and trust me we were.
He was the most loving person, caring, considerate, I mean he would go above and beyond for me. He made me feel special every single day, and he took care of our son and me. We would travel, everything was great, and then we decided to have another baby. It was perfect, we wanted our kids not to be far apart, and as if the universe was on our side, we tried and found out we were having a girl.
I was happy, and so was he. Things were going well, but as if it was going too well, my father passed away, and everything came crashing down.
My father and I had an excellent relationship before I fucked up, and our relationship never really got back to how I wanted it to. He accepted my husband, and he was there for his grandchild, but I could still sense he was disappointed in me. Two days before he died, we had a conversation. He voiced to me how much he was happy for me and how my life was going, but how he was still disappointed that I didn't follow through with my dreams and was upset that I had gotten pregnant again and made no progress to going back to school.
I got so angry with him because I couldn't believe after all those years he was still holding that against me. I cursed at h-him."
I paused and picked up the wine bottle, pouring myself some while Yoongi looked at me and turned it to my head instantly as I tried washing away the memories that haunted me.
Yoongi rested his hands on my knees and began rubbing his fingers along it. "Take your time; I am sure it's hard for you," he whispered, making me teary-eyed.
"It is, it really is. You see, I cursed at him, in a way a child shouldn't to a parent. I told him I was doing my best, I made a mistake, and I didn't want him to remember me for my mistake. He had accepted Jae, and my husband, yet he was still mad at my unborn child and me. I couldn't understand it, and I lashed out on him, n-not knowing or realizing that would be our last phone call.
W-when I found about his death; my entire body went into shock; I had never felt so weak in my whole life. I became disgusted with myself, and I guess the stress, pain everything was too much, I l-lost my baby girl also-"
Yoongi pulled me into his arms and hugged me. "I am so sorry to hear this. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to," he said, reassuring me.
I pulled away from him and looked at him, "no, I want to. I haven't been able to talk about it, and I guess I want to let it out. With losing my father, I lost my daughter, which doubled my pain and regrets. I went into depression. Guilt took over. I can't forgive myself for how I spoke with my father, and I can't forgive myself for robbing my husband of having another child.
I don't think I would have been so affected by my father dying if I hadn't cursed at him before he died, but I did, and hearing the news broke me in ways I can never describe or explain to anyone. After everything happened, I wanted to die, I wanted to give up, but Jae, and my husband, they didn't deserve such pain, losing a daughter, a sibling, and then a husband, or a parent. It would have been too much of a burden for them both.
My husband was so broken by yet loss of our baby girl; he cried all the time and every time he wanted to talk, I pushed him away, I couldn't deal with his grief while trying to deal with what I was going through. I got numbed by the pain, and I started ignoring him. I ignored our son, every day felt like the same. Some days I felt like I was losing it, I went into denial think I was still pregnant until I blocked her out. I started focusing on my father thinking about how I could right my wrong, but there isn't a way, and I stuck there.
I guess my husband got tired; he tried for grief counseling together. I pushed him away; he sought for marriage counseling. I pushed him away. He did a lot, but I don't think he understood I wasn't ready, and I never told him, I stayed quiet, and he got tired of waiting for me to come back to being the Jin he had married, so he started having an affair and everything since then hasn't been the same. I allowed him to continue his affair, giving a blind eye to it.
Until early this year, I started watching some videos and reading books on the grieving process. I thought since I couldn't make my father proud while he was alive, maybe I could even while he was dead by returning to school and I did, I started online school. Then I built the courage to get a job, hence me being here. I want to prove to him that I do not depend on my husband and that I am not a disappointment either, but I don't know my life is a mess.
I don't know if I want a divorce; I love my husband, I really do. He has made me the happiest person, yet he makes me so sad at times that it's destroying so much. His cheating, my father's death, our daughter, everything it makes me so confused, and now here I am cheating with you. I don't know what I want anymore. I have a son who is caught in the middle of all of this, and it's unfair to him, and I know it, but I just don't know what to do."
Yoongi looked at me; I couldn't read his reaction until he pulled me onto his lap and kissed me as tears ran down my cheek, the kiss was deep and filled with so much passion that I didn't want him to stop.
"Let me take care of you," he whispered against my lips, lifting me and laying me onto the sofa as he hovers over me, kissing me deeply. I wrapped my arms around him and embraced his kiss, not wanting the night to end. I felt as if a huge burden had been lifted, being able to talk to someone who wasn't trying to judge me.