Amelia
Harry and I left London yesterday. Our vacation was short lived, like I knew it was going to be, but I didn't think it would be that short. Harry was vague when it came to the actual trip so I was in the dark about a lot of the details. I didn't actually know when we'd be leaving so it was a surprise when he told me the night before.
I somehow convinced Harry to stay over my apartment when we got back to New York. He was scheduled to fly out later in the evening, but the truth is I didn't know when I would see him again. I still don't, but last night I practically begged him to stay just one more night just so I could spend a little more time with him. It didn't take much convincing for him to agree.
The two of us are currently laying in bed, waiting for Harry's driver to come pick him up to take him to the airport. We've been awkwardly silent for a while now, neither one of us knowing what to say. I don't know why it's so uncomfortable but I think it has something to do with the fact both of us are scared to say anything without the threat of breaking down.
I sigh and shift my body closer to Harry's. He tightens his grip around my waist and pulls me towards him.
"I'm thinking I'll be here mid-April," Harry tells me quietly, breaking the silence. "Actually, maybe even before that but I don't want to promise it. My single is releasing the seventh so I might be doing some kind of promotional thing in the city around then."
I tilt my head up so I can get a better look at Harry. He's already looking at me, causing my heart to tingle.
"Sign of the Times?" I ask him.
Harry nods, a faint smile playing on his lips.
"That's the one," he says, causing me to smile.
"I like that one. I think it might be my favorite song in general...but then again I might be biased..."
Harry laughs and kisses my forehead.
I tear my eyes away from him and nuzzle my head into the crook of his neck. I then close my eyes and try to remember his scent and the way his body feels against mine. Very lightly, I feel Harry's fingers tracing small patterns onto my waist. He does that a lot, I notice, and it comforts me. I like the trail of shivers he leaves on my skin in the wake of his warm touch.
"I have another song I just wrote that I want you to listen to," Harry tells me, his voice barely a whisper. "It's not done yet so when I get to California I'm going to record it and tweak it but afterwards I want to play it for you."
"What's it about?" I ask him, curiosity peeking my interest.
He hesitates before answering.
"That, my love, is for you to find out," he cheekily responds.
I roll my eyes. Of course he would respond with that, but I decide not to press it. It's not my place to question Harry's musical process. I try to ask as little questions as possible, still not knowing what line is okay to cross.
"Hey Harry?" I ask, changing the conversation.
"Yes, darling?"
"My graduation is coming up in less than two months," I say. I feel myself growing anxious at the thought of bringing it up. "I - uh - well I know we vaguely talked about it but I wanted to formally invite you. I got approved for an extra ticket," It's silent for a second before I start rambling out of panic. "You don't have to come but I figured I'd invite you. I know you're busy but it'd mean a lot if yo-"
"I'll be there," Harry answers.
I pull away from him slightly so I can fully see his face. Harry adjusts himself as well, laying on his side so we can face each other.
"Really?" I ask.
Harry nods.
"Of course. You've been patient with me and I want to be there to support you. It's a big day for my girl," he responds, my heart fluttering at the phrase 'my girl'.
"Are you sure you won't have a show or anything?" I ask him.
"It's the first weekend in May, right? I'm sure I won't have anything and if I do, I'll postpone it. This is more important to me."
I smile, just looking at Harry. His short curls fall into his face and his green eyes bore almost uncomfortably into mine. He also has a look of adoration on his face as well, causing me to float on cloud nine.
I'm in deep, I think to myself
Harry's phone begins to ring, breaking me out of the little world I was trapped in. He reluctantly turns over and looks at his phone which was on my nightstand.
"He's here," he says, in reference to his driver.
I sigh. My mood immediately drops. I really don't want Harry to leave. We only had a couple days to make up for two months of lost time and now he has to leave again. I know this is the normal with our relationship, but I still get sad at the thought of not seeing him for a while. I wish I wasn't tied down to school so I could travel with him sometimes.
The both of us stand up and quietly putter around. Harry gathers his belongings and shoves them all into the knapsack he brought over. He left his big luggage with his driver when we were dropped off at my apartment and just took over enough for one night. Luckily there isn't too much for him to pack right now.
I fiddle with my fingers and follow Harry to the door once he has everything put together. We decided it's best he leaves without me coming outside with him because of our relationship taking off in the media and we don't want to risk being bombarded with photos. Paparazzi have started to catch on to us, as well as some fans. My name has now become a subject of interest because of Anne, Gemma, and Harry following me on social media all at once. So I opt to just say goodbye to him at my door to keep things simple.
"Call me when you get in," I tell Harry.
He stands in front of the door, facing me while we say our goodbyes again.
"I'll text you the whole time. But yes, I'll call you as soon as I get home," he tells me.
We stare at each other for a couple of seconds before he finally takes a step towards me and pulls me into a tight hug. It takes everything in me not to get emotional at his departure, although I do feel my eyes begin to water. For some reason, this time hurts more than the last time we went our separate ways. Maybe it was the sex, but I think it was mainly because we grew closer this trip - we fought, we made up, we made love.
We pull apart slightly only so we can kiss goodbye. His lips are soft and pillowy against mine, feeling a bit like a cloud. It's utterly perfect and leaves my lips feeling tingly when it's over.
"I love you, Amelia," he says, when we pull apart.
Both of our eyes widen at his words and my face turns redder than a tomato.
He just told me he loves me.
I should be ecstatic and thrilled to hear those words, especially since they dance on my own lips. But for some reason my mind is spinning and I'm unable to comprehend anything.
"I -" I go to say, but I can't bring myself to utter the words.
I feel my eyes prick with tears because I want to but I can't. I want to more than he knows but for whatever reason, the words are being held back by some unknown force.
"You don't have to say it back," Harry tells me, a sad smile on his face. He reaches forward and cups my cheek, rubbing his thumb on it. "I've just been wanting to say it for a while and I couldn't wait anymore."
"Harry, I-" I stammer, but again the words are blocked.
I hate myself.
So rather than saying anything, I take his hand off my cheek and lace it with my fingers while I stand up on my toes and kiss him again so he knows how I feel through touch rather than words. I'm not sure why I can't say those three words, but I seem to be having a mental block. Maybe it's fear or anxiety, but I hope Harry knows that it's not because I don't care for him in that way.
"I'll text you," Harry tells me. He turns to open my door and walks out, taking a last glance at me before walking down the stairs.
When he's out of sight, I shut the door and allow myself to cry. I fall to the floor and bury my head in my hands. Violent sobs shake my body, my emotions taking over and completely consuming me. This isn't how I imagined Harry leaving. He probably hates me now because I couldn't say it back. The last thing I want to do is hurt him.
Did he really mean it, though? I mean no one just says 'I love you' without meaning it...especially Harry. He wouldn't do that. But is it possible he really does love me? I worry that perhaps he only said it because he's leaving or because he wanted to soothe me. But by the hurt expression on his face when I didn't say it back, I have a feeling he meant every word of it.
...
BIG OOOOOF I'm so sorry