Hoseok
blue side
*Please listen to Blue Side as you read this for the full experience lol.*
His head buried in his arms, eyes closed and limbs heavy, Hoseok sat at the bar. He couldn't remember how much he had drank or how long he had been sitting in this cheap bar. His head was spinning and his stomach churning. Though it was loud at the bar, he was only able to hear her voice. Her sweet, sweet voice echoed in his head. He could see her in his mind - that bright smile that used to light up his days, those big doe eyes that he had gotten lost in so many times, those delicate fingers that caressed his cheek. All that was ever on his mind was her. The pain in his heart was growing every day since she had left, taking over him completely. His heart was aching for her every wakening moment, making it impossible for him to focus on anything else but his broken heart.
He yearned for her touch, he craved her kisses, he missed hearing her voice, to feel her breath on his neck when he slept at night. The empty space beside him in bed, drove him insane. He couldn't bear to climb into bed every night only to be reminded of her absence, so he didn't go to bed anymore. It wasn't as if he could sleep anyways. Ever since she had left he couldn't properly sleep. All the memories kept him awake all night.
He was drinking so much these days - a pathetic attempt to numb the growing pains. He knew that nothing could mend his heart. It was only her that could fix his broken heart. But she wouldn't be coming back. He had lost her for once and for all - he knew it, he knew it but it was so hard to accept it. With all his might he tried to refuse it, to live in denial.
It was so much easier to live, hoping that she would come back one day, that he hadn't lost her forever. The thought of never getting to see her again, to hear her voice again, to feel her touch again, pushed him to the edges of sanity. But he knew his fault, his big fault. He had disappointed her, taking her for granted. For this reason he hated himself, despised himself. He hated what he had done to her. Though he knew he didn't deserve her, he still couldn't help but selfishly want her back. There was nothing that he wouldn't do to get her back. He hated who he had become without her. What was left of him without her ? Nothing but the empty shell of the man he used to be.
Wasn't it ridiculous ? How life could change so drastically within a matter of seconds ?
He had found the whole universe within her, but had miserably failed to keep her. It was his fault for taking her for granted. He should have loved her more, respected her more - he should have laid the world in front of her feet because she deserved it. She had done nothing but showered him in endless love. She had been there for him all the time without an exception, putting him above her own needs. Selflessly she had loved him, giving her all to him, trusted him with her life only to be betrayed by him.
Hoseok clenched his hands into fists, remembering that doomed night where his fingertips had touched another woman's skin, where his lips had tasted another woman's lips. Hitting his head repeatedly with his fists, he tried to stop the images flashing in his mind.
Tears streamed down his face as he yet again lost her in his head. He saw her pained expression when she had smelled another woman's perfume on his shirt. He saw how her once with loved filled eyes turyn dark and an empty look replaced the sparkles. That was when he knew that he had lost it all. He had lost her in that moment and himself too.
"Sir, please stop you are scaring our guests" the bar tender said, holding both of Hoseok's wrist. Hoseok blankly stared at him, tearing his arms out of his grip. Clumsily he slipped off the bar chair, knocking over his glass, the whiskey spilling on the table. The bar tender cursed under his breath as he watched Hoseok stumble through the crowd and disappear.
Hoseok didn't care about anything at all. He had lost all of his respect for himself. So he drank most nights until he was unconscious, he drank until he was spilling his guts out, until he lost sense of time and place. He couldn't find meaning in anything that he did. Life felt dull and empty without her. Nothing made sense and nothing felt right.
When he accidentally tripped and stumbled into a woman, a man grabbed him harshly by the collar.
"You piece of shit, stay the fuck away from my girlfriend" the man yelled, making Hoseok grimace at his loud voice. Without having time to register the words that were said, the man punched him in the face.
Hoseok began to laugh as he wiped the blood from his nose, continuing his way out of the bar as if nothing had happened. He felt as if he deserved to get punched - he deserved more than that.
He walked through the busy city streets, the lights giving him a stinging headache. The surrounding noises ceased, and he yet again began to listen to her sweet voice in his head. A small smile appeared on his lips as he closed his eyes and imagined her face. He imagined her caressing his face, looking at him and telling him that she would never leave him. Inside his embrace. Inside his eyes. Inside his blue dream. He was so absorbed in the thought of her that he forgot about his whereabouts, losing touch with reality.
In his blue dream he tried to contain her.
He didn't notice or hear the car that was zooming towards him.
---
"Hoseok !" he heard her voice scream, when he felt someone grab his arm and harshly pull him. Hoseok stumbled into a woman and fell to the ground with her. When he opened his eyes, he thought he had gone insane.
"Hoseok, are you okay ?" he heard her ask him. He could see her worried eyes, her parted lips and flushed cheeks. He could feel her hands, cupping his face. It felt so real, that he worried he was hallucinating. Tears were uncontrollably running down his cheeks, as he sat on the cold concrete ground, looking at her face.
"Hoseok, are you hurt ? Please talk to me, I am scared" she begged, a tear escaping her own eye.
"Are you real ?" he was only able to utter, his voice cracking. (Y/N) felt her heart break inside her chest as she looked at the state the man she loved was in. His eyes were bloodshot and dark circles were underneath his eyes. He strongly smelled of alcohol and there was blood smudged underneath his nose. Firmly holding his face in her hands, she looked into his eyes.
"Hoseok, I am really here right now, okay ? I will take you home" she told him. Hoseok was completely frozen as he let her lift him up to his feet. He was a total mess and felt ashamed that she saw him in such a miserable state. His head was spinning, and he was desperately trying to figure out whether he was dreaming, or she really was there. It was too good to be true. She was holding him tightly, supporting him so that he wouldn't collapse.
(Y/N)'s heart felt heavy. It had been four months since she had broken up with him, four months since he had broken her heart. Hoseok was her first love, and she had firmly believed that he would be her last love too. That was until he betrayed her. She still hadn't been able to move on. Still, she tried to forget him, to lead a life where she didn't miss him every wakening second. But it was hard to forget someone, who had become your whole entire world. She was so mad at him, so disgusted by what he had done to her, but yet the moment she saw him crossing the street a fire ignited in her heart. She saw him and without thinking she automatically found herself running to him. His sight broke her heart more than his betrayal had. She couldn't stand to see him like this.
The sparkle in his eyes, the bright smile on his lips, the glow in his face were missing. He deserved to be happy. No matter how much he had hurt her, she still wanted him to be happy. (Y/N) couldn't help the love she felt for him. Instead of cursing the heavens for having put him in her life, she was grateful for the time she had with him. The memories they had made, the way he had made her feel were unforgettable. These were things she wouldn't trade for the world.
It felt so weird to see him again after all this time. So much had changed but yet it simultaneously felt like nothing had changed at all. Her heart still yearned for him, still got excited when he looked at her. But the man that she now saw was lifeless and dull.
This wasn't the Hoseok she once knew.
When they arrived at his apartment in what felt like eternity, he gave her the keys to unlock the door because he was barely able to stand. Unlocking the door, (Y/N) stepped inside with him. Once she turned on the lights, the mess that his apartment had become was revealed. Empty beer bottles were all over the place, his clothes were piled on the floor and the sink was overflowing with dirty dishes. (Y/N) felt a hallow feeling grow inside of her as she looked around. In every corner of this place she had a memory with him. Tears welled up in her eyes uncontrollably, but she held them back.
Gathering herself, she sat Hoseok down on the sofa. He leaned his head back, rubbing his temples. (Y/N) went to the bathroom to get him some painkillers for his headache. Handing him the pill with a glass of water, she stood in front of him. Hoseok swallowed the pill and set the glass down on the coffee table. He still wasn't sure if he was lost in his imagination or that this really was happening. He looked at her with such a pained expression that (Y/N) felt her breath get caught in her throat.
"(Y/N) are you really here ?" he asked again. Nodding his head, she bit her bottom lip, trying so hard to keep it together.
"(Y/N) I missed you so much" he blurted, his voice breaking. His eyes were glistening with tears as he reached out to take her hand in his, but she instinctively backed away.
"(Y/N) please don't do this to me" he said, a tear escaping his eye. The agony he felt was eating him alive.
"Hoseok" she raised her voice, "You can't expect me to forget what you did to me."
He closed his parted lips, not knowing what to say. She was right, he couldn't expect her to forget and forgive him. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. But yet he wanted to hold her so bad, to kiss her one more time.
"I should leave" she suddenly stated, panicking because he was starting to get to her. She refused to give in to him. What he had done was unforgivable. He had abused her trust. But yet she was so weak when it came to him. She forgot her self-worth around him, was ready to go back to him the moment he apologized. An apology could never fix her broken heart or rebuild the trust between them, but it was enough of an excuse she was so desperate for to go back to him. She had to scold herself and restrain herself from doing so. She had to do this for herself because she should be putting herself first always. To see him cry like this in front of her though, had her come undone. Her determination faltering and her walls falling apart.
It was so tempting to let herself fall back into his arms, to wipe his tears away and tell him she would make the pain stop. It was so hard to resist. So she wanted to run, to run away from him for her own sake.
But just as she turned to leave, he fell on his knees, grabbing her legs.
"(Y/N) please don't leave me again" he cried, sobbing uncontrollably. "I can't do without you, can't you see?"
Pressing her eyelids shut, she bit her bottom lip hard as her throat closed in.
"(Y/N) just look at me !" he yelled, "Look at how pathetic I am, how fucking miserable I look. Look around you. Do you see this mess ? I have been living in this dirt for the past months. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot think straight. Every thought leads me back to you. Everywhere I look, I see you. I constantly hear your voice in my head. (Y/N), I cannot live without you."
(Y/N)'s body froze. She was paralyzed by the unbearable pain in her heart. She felt torn inside.
"Fuck (Y/N), I hate myself. I hate myself for what I have done. I am a worthless piece of shit. I don't deserve you, I know that. But I cannot help myself" his voice broke, he buried his face in your legs, "I love you (Y/N). I love you so much. I can't stand myself without you. I feel lost without you. I hate myself for wanting you back, though I know I am not worthy of you. I am a selfish piece of shit for wanting you back, but I can't help myself" he sobbed, hitting his head with his fists.
He lost himself completely, falling apart. Repeatedly he hit his head, cursing himself. He wouldn't stop. (Y/N) couldn't bear to see him cry. Sinking to her knees, she grabbed his wrists, stopping him.
"Hoseok get a grip" she yelled at him, though she was a crying mess herself.
"I hate you so much" she screamed at him. Grabbing his face, she crashed her lips on his. Hungrily kissing each other, they desperately tried to make up for the time apart. They desperately tried to turn back time and erase the bad memories. She desperately tried to forgive him. He desperately tried to be forgiven.
But despite the burning flames in their hearts, none of it could be achieved. They couldn't make up for the time lost, they couldn't turn back time, they couldn't erase the past.
"I don't know if I can do this" (Y/N) admitted, heavily breathing. He held her tightly, afraid she would leave.
"But I still love you" she said and Hoseok broke down yet again, tears streaming down his face.
"(Y/N) I love you so much, I love you so so much" he sobbed, resting his forehead against hers.
"I need time Hoseok" she said.
"I know" he breathed. Leaning in she sweetly pecked his lips.
She had missed feeling his lips against hers. She had missed breathing him in.
"Don't go" he cried, not caring how pathetic he sounded. (Y/N) nodded her head.
"I won't leave" she promised. Hoseok fell into her arms, burying his head in her neck.
For the first time in months, he fell asleep peacefully in her arms. Though things weren't as they used to be, both of them were glad to have each other. They worked together to restore the trust between them. Hoseok gave all of him to her, determined to never fail her again. He loved her more than he ever had and tried to forgive himself for what he had done. (Y/N) tried to mend her heart, to allow herself to trust again.
Their love was like a fairy tale, one they hoped would have a happy ending. Their love was not perfect but it was all they needed.
*A/N I fucking get goosebumps all over my body when I listen to this song, it's so beautiful.
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