Part 1: A Walk Down Memory Lane
"Hi Hope." I said sitting down next to her. "It's Lolly here to try and make you laugh or smile or whatever. Bobby is coming in a bit but he said I could talk to you by myself since he wants to talk to you by himself once I'm done."
The wind blew and made me shiver.
"Can't stay very long though so I'll try and make this quick so Bobby can talk to you." I smiled and sighed. "I'm missed you Hope. I know I don't come and visit you a lot but to me you're everywhere I go and coming here and seeing you here hurts. Every time I come here I think it's going to be easier than the last time but it's not and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for that night. I'm sorry I tagged along and I'm sorry I distracted you and Bobby."
"I know me saying sorry doesn't change what happened but I need to say sorry every time I'm here because I really am sorry. Bobby is still a reck over what happened he just doesn't let anyone see it. He acts like he's the happiest person ever but I know he's hurting and I know you wouldn't want him to blame himself his whole life so help him. Help him see he can love you but also give love a chance again. I understand you'll always be his first love but he needs to give love a try again for reals. He jokes around by flirting with girls and making it seem like he doesn't have a girlfriend because no girl likes him but I know he's scared of having a girlfriend. You were his first girlfriend, first kiss, first love. Hope I need you to somehow let him know you want him to move on and be happy."
"Did I ever tell you I looked up to you?" I asked then after a few second of silence chuckled as I whipped tears from my eyes. "I looked up to you so much. That was the reason I followed you around and bugged you when you were with Bobby. I was such a cockblocker. I'm sure it was obvious I was fascinated by you and Bobby probably told you I looked up to you but I never told you myself so that's what I'm doing." I took a shaky breathe trying to keep it together. "Since the moment Bobby first brought you home when you two were freshmen and had that baby project to work on together I was amazed by you. I knew Bobby liked you because honestly the poor guy told me all about you. I was like twelve or thirteen and Bobby always told me everything going on in his life and ranted to me about people he disliked in school and blah blah blah."
I stood up. "Then one day Bobby came into my room for his daily talk with his little sister about how our day went and I knew something was different. After I told him about my day I asked him how his was and he said it was fine. Then he smiled. He said "Lolly promise not to tell mom something?" and I nodded agreeing not to say a word. What we spoke about in our daily talks was a secret and we never told anyone else if either of us asked not to. Bobby then nodded and proceeded "I met a girl today. Well I technically already knew her but I hadn't really paid much attention to her or spoken to her before until today." and Bobby smiled even bigger and said "She's wonderful. She's got these cute freckles on her cheeks and she keeps to herself mostly since everyone at school doesn't really get her. She's one of those adventurous, live life by the day, sort of girls. She's also really nice and I haven't ever met someone quite like her." and went on and on about you.
"That's when I knew you were different because Bobby had never spoken about a girl like that. He said you were coming over the next day because you two were partnered for the Baby Project and were getting your baby the next day. He seemed so excited and I remember wondering what was so different about you than all the other girl he had brought home and told me he thought were hot and liked. I was ready to hate you."
"But then the next day you come home with Bobby and I stood in the stairs as you two walked in. I still remember what you said. "You must be Lolly. I got something for you." And you took out a huge cherry lollipop from your school bag. "It's from my trip to Disneyland a week ago but I think you'll enjoy it more than I will from what your brother tells me. Want it?" And that's how you bought my friendship with candy. I'm just kidding. But the lollipop did help making me trust you and like you a bit. What really made me like you was when I asked Bobby if we weren't going to have our daily after school talk about our day and he looked at you and you said "Of course he is! Who am I to get between your bonding time? I'll just help your Mom make some snacks for the three of us and when you two are done we can eat them. Deal?" And that's when I knew you were different. Usually my brothers friends would give me something to shut me up and get rid of me but you didn't. You always found a way to include me in stuff and when Bobby and you finally started dating you treated me the same. I looked up to you because you treated me like your equal not a pesky little girl."
I knelt down and touched the tombstone. "You'll always be the older sister I never had. I miss you." I placed the flowers down next to the tombstone. "I brought your favorites. The ones you said you liked that time you took me to the carnival. Remember?" Silence.
I let the tears out and a sob escaped as well and then another. "Hope...I promise...I'll never forget you or everything we did and you did." I tried controlling my crying. "You were the best role model." I laughed. "Your parents say I'm way to much like you. Heck I even caused trouble at school for most of the same reasons you did. Because of you I am who I am right now and you helped me embrace myself and not care and just be who I want to be." I touched the tombstone once again. "I'll be back tomorrow to talk with you. I know you're here but I can't see you. Bye."
I turned away from the tomb and started walking away when I saw someone standing by the trees then disappear. There was a gust of wind and I swear I heard someone say. "Bye Lolly. See you tomorrow!" And then a laugh. A very familiar laugh.
I turned and looked at Hope's tomb and smiled.
-
Bobby didn't return from visiting Hope until an hour after sunset. He looked terrible.
I had taken a shower and changed into some warm pajamas since it was freezing. It looked like it was going to rain.
"How are you?" I asked Bobby as I threw him a blanket.
"Terrible." He said wrapping the blanket around himself. "Did you already have dinner?"
"About an hour ago. I can warm up some food for you if you want?"
"No. I'm not really hungry but thanks. I think I'm just going to go take a shower and then sleep. I don't feel like doing much tonight." He said heading for the stairs.
"I'm going to check in with Dexter." I said and nodded.
I walked back upstairs and into the room I was staying in. I grabbed my cell phone from the night stand and dialed Dexter, who had texted me over a dozen times in the last hour.
"Lolly why haven't you answered any of my texts?" Dexter asked.
"Dexter stop worrying and go have fun and party or something." I said sitting down on the bed.
"I'm going out with some friends in a hour but I just need to know how you guys are doing." He said then there was a long pause. "So...how did it go today?"
"I'm not going to lie. It hurt seeing her tombstone and knowing she's dead and I did cry a lot but it's normal to cry over someone who died." I said. "Bobby just got back from talking with her."
"How is he?"
I sighed. "He's starting to shut me out already but I'll talk to him in a bit. I won't let him shut me out and try and hide how he's feeling." I said as I traded the patterns of the blanket on the bed. "Did you give Charlie the envelope?"
"I gave it to him like half an hour ago. He was sulking around all day mumbling about why you left without saying a proper goodbye to him and how he thinks you want to break up with him. When I gave him the envelope he ran off to his room and hasn't come out since then. He's probably still reading what you wrote."
"Yeah. It'll take him about an hour or so to read all of it."
I heard a crash from the room Bobby was staying in a flinched. I was pretty sure Dexter heard it as well.
"I'm going to check on Bobby." I said.
"Wait! Lolly please let me fly over there and—"
"Bye Dexter." I ended the call and placed my cell phone on the bed before standing and going to check on Bobby.
"Bobby?" I said as I knocked on the door. "What happened?"
There was answer.
"Look...I know you don't want to worry me or Dexter but you worry us by shutting us out like this. Please just—"
There was click and the door opened. Bobby stood there still in his soaking wet clothes and with red eyes.
"I accidentally broke the lamp." He said.
I walked in and saw the mess his room had become in just a short amount of time. I turned to look at him and sighed.
"How did it go?"
He walked toward his open luggage bag and pretended to be looking for something. "I talked to her about the past year. What I've been up to. I told her about Ronny and how she asked me who was the girl in the pictures I have in my room and I didn't know how to answer without crying." He said.
"It's natural to cry Bobby. You loved her. You haven't dates anyone because you feel like you're cheating on her. She was your first love."
"When she died she took a part of me with her." He said turning to look at me.
"I know." I said sadly. "How about you take a warm shower and dress in some warm pajamas and then we talk. You're going to get sick if you stay in those clothes any longer."
"Deal." He said.
"I'll make some hot chocolate." I smiled.
He gave me a small smile then grabbed some clean clothes and walked into his bathroom.
I left his room and went downstairs to get the hot chocolate ready for our chat. I turned on the fire place since it was cold and grabbed a blanket to wrap around myself.
Bobby come down the stairs in some sweatpants and short-sleeve shirt, meanwhile drying his hair, fifteen minutes later.
"The hot chocolates are almost ready." I said giving him a small smile. "Sit on the couch meanwhile you wait."
I walked back into the small kitchen and saw the hot chocolate was ready. I quickly turned off the stove and served the hot chocolate in two mugs. I put whipped cream on both mugs all the way to the top then sprinkled some cinnamon. Finally I took out the wafer sticks and put some into both of the mugs. I grabbed both mugs by the handle and walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.
"Thank you." Bobby said when I placed our mugs on the table next to the couch.
"No problem." I said taking a seat next to him.
"I see you made them exactly like when we were kids. You even included the cinnamon." He said smiling.
"I thought we could both use some." I said. "Now talk to me Bobby."
"I don't know what to say."
"Start at how you're feeling about Hope's...death anniversary." I said forcing the last two words out.
"Well...I feel like she died just yesterday. It doesn't feel like it's been years. It doesn't feel right saying she's dead when it still feels like she's here, with us. I dream about her a lot. Mostly they're just memories of her that I have that replay in my head. It's nice feeling like everything's okay and she's not gone but when I wake up the pain of her death is back."
"I've dreamt about her a couple of times too." I admitted. "And it does hurt waking up remembering she's gone. It's very painful."
"I really like this girl now but whenever I think about going out with her I remember Hope and...I can't. I can't cheat on Hope. I just can't!" He ran a hand down his face.
"It's not cheating. It's called moving on with your life and falling for someone again. You need to try." I said. "We both know Hope would probably slap you if she could for not wanting to move on because you feel like your cheating. She always told you that if something would happen for you two to break up and you ended up not wanting to date someone because of her then I should slap you. Do you want me to do that?"
He chuckled. "No." He said.
"Well then move on with your life. You can still love her and I'm sure whoever you end up dating will understand. If they don't then I'll personally slap them a couple of times."
We both grabbed out mugs and took a sip.
"Do you remember when we lost our baby during our Health Project?" He asked.
I laughed. "And she was freaking out and yelling about losing her baby meanwhile we ran around Wal-Mart looking for the cart we had accidentally forgotten her on. People kept looking at us weird." I said smiling.
"Yeah. When we found her Hope promised to never take her out of her sight."
"And we lost her at the mall less than an hour later." I added.
Bobby sighed. "Whenever I visit her grave I feel like she's there listening and I can even imagine what she would say to me." He said.
"I feel the same way." I said. "Her voice...it's still in my head. I remember her perfectly like if I had just heard her speak."
We kept quiet for a couple of minutes and just drank our hot chocolate meanwhile thinking. We probably sat there in silence for over thirty minutes without realizing it.
"Do you think she would be proud of me?" I asked breaking the silence.
I felt Bobby grab my hand and turned and looked at him. He was smiling with tears in his eyes and looking at me. "I'm pretty sure she's proud of you all the way from heaven. You're a lot like her but you're also Lolly. She's probably really happy that you're happy and dating Charlie. You were like a little sister to her."
I'M SORRY IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS ADVENTURE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!
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